Coping With Grief Over Death of a Beloved Pet

Support groups are becoming increasingly popular as a way to help people deal with the death of a loved one, whether it is the death of a relative or a pet.

As society becomes more urbanized and extended families shrink, the role of animals has been changing over the years from working beasts to family members.

Losing an animal to death hurts, be the loved one a dog, cat, bird, rabbit, guinea pig or even a spider, says Maureen MacNamara, deputy director of the Delta Society, a nationwide nonprofit organization that helps people deal with the death of a pet.

“The most exotic pet I ever talked to an owner about was a tarantula,” said MacNamara, whose organization is based at Renton, south of Seattle. “She was very attached to him. When he died it was very disorganizing and disruptive to her to lose a friend.

“The issues are the same when we lose a pet or a human loved one. We grieve. We feel loss, guilt and anger. It’s all part of the grieving process.”

The Delta Society, organized in 1982, provides mourners access to support groups and trained therapists to help deal with the loss.

But the person mourning the death of a pet may be embarrassed about expressing grief, fearing disapproval or ridicule from others, says Margaret Dimond, a nursing professor and assistant dean at the University of Washington School of Nursing, who specializes in the grieving process.

“The most important thing for people to understand if they have experienced the loss of a pet is that it is normal to experience whatever depth of sadness they feel,” she said. “It’s also normal for the grieving process to take several months, sometimes even longer.”

Many people need support when their pet dies, MacNamara said, but it can be difficult to find.

“As a society, we don’t have official rituals for the death of a pet the way we do for a person,” she said. “When the extended family was larger and people lived in a less urban environment, the family response was to bury Fido in the back yard or bury the bird under a tree. But in an urbanized setting, it’s difficult to do that in a private way. You can’t bury your dog under a tree at an apartment complex.

“We tend to live in a more isolated society; the extended family is shrinking. Pets are playing a larger role in the family. They’re seen more as a family member.”

Mourning a pet’s death is not limited to city dwellers, she said.

“People in rural settings suffer as much,” MacNamara said. “It’s the loss of a pet, rather than a farm producer.”

Support groups are seeing more participation by men, too, she said. “Women usually are more ready to discuss emotional issues, but that’s been changing in the last three years,” MacNamara said. “The makeup of the support groups is now more evenly spread between men and women. Society’s acceptance of emotional states in people has increased. We’re a little more tolerant in society of people needing support during emotional times.”

Keith, a 37-year-old Seattle man who asked that his full name not be used, recently lost his 16-year-old cat. Instead of leaving the cat’s body for the veterinarian to dispose of, he decided to bury it in the back yard.

“I cried terribly when I was digging the grave, but I just tried to be businesslike and told myself ‘We’re taking care of one of our own.’

“My wife made a beautiful memorial above the grave, but I couldn’t even look at it for months because I knew I’d start crying again. But now I can look at it. Now I think of all the happy times we had with our cat.”

Those who grieve the loss of a pet “need to be told that what they are feeling is normal,” Dimond said. “This way they won’t bury their feelings of sadness and anger over losing their pet. They also need encouragement to express themselves, whether it’s crying or pounding pillows.”

She added, “The ‘strong’ person may try to cover his or her feelings by living up to other people’s expectations. It’s vital that they be told that it’s OK to be sad.”