Cities Wage a War of Words

The Detroit News started it. And the Portland Oregonian tried to finish it on Thursday.

With their home teams playing in the NBA Finals, the newspapers have engaged in a little war of words on who has the nicer city.

“Just what sort of place is this Portland?” the News asked in an editorial on Tuesday. “First off, it’s still kind of little league.”

Then it made some cracks about Portland’s mayor.

“Portland’s image is pretty well captured by its mayor, Bud Clark, a tavern owner who posed as a flasher in a promotion for the local arts community a few years back. The poster showed Mr. Clark, back to the camera, raincoat wide open, flashing a sculpture above the slogan ‘Expose yourself to art.’ ”

Then it said this:

“You want entertainment? The city is in an uproar after the City Council renamed the boulevard where all the hookers hang out after Martin Luther King. And there’s always the town of Boring, only a half-hour’s drive from Portland.”

And then it couldn’t resist ending with this:

“The Pistons also have something else going for them: a major league city that loves its pro sports and backs its teams to the hilt. They have a saying in snooty Oregon: ‘You can visit but just don’t stay.’ Portland may be visiting the championship series, but it is the Pistons who are likely to stay champions.”

On Thursday, it was the Oregonian’s turn.

The paper reprinted the News’ editorial and ran its own response below it with the headline “Detroit: Anywhere At All?”

“Detroit, a French word meaning ‘Let’s move to Houston,’ was founded by Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac, who settled there when the transmission in his canoe gave out,” the newspaper said.

“The last time the Detroit Tigers won a World Series, in 1984, Detroit’s major league fans celebrated by setting the city on fire,” The Oregonian said. “The National Guard complained, but city planners thought it was a good idea.

“Detroit’s image is pretty well captured by its mayor, Coleman Young, who recently won re-election after losing a paternity suit. When Detroit exposes itself, it’s not to art.”

Then the paper offered to make the standard city vs. city bet with Detroit.

“You know, a famous Portland product against a famous Detroit product, but we’re not sure Detroit has anything we want. Unless maybe they’ve got a door handle for an ’82 Buick kicking around somewhere.”

Oregonian associate editor Phil Cogswell said, “It was a bit surprising that it would be Detroit, of all places, to be casting aspersions at Portland.

“We could have taken it better if it was San Francisco or even Chicago or New York. But Detroit?

“If they want to continue the fight,” he said. “We’re prepared to escalate.”

That probably won’t be necessary.

Said News managing editor Christina Bradford:

“We know in Detroit that the city has an image problem and we like to take advantage of a situation like this and let people in other parts of the country know Detroit is a great place.

“We’re just kidding.”