A Handhold : Grandparents May Be the Most Trusted Adults in a Kid’s Life
A university course in grandparenting. Trips for seniors to take, but only with their grandkids. Court-decreed rights of grandparents. Is Grandma bypassing the rocking chair? Is Grandpa giving up his fishing pole? Their roles are changing!
I never knew my grandparents; they died before my parents were married. Nevertheless, even now I remember that, while going through those awful adolescent moments when everything in my world seemed to go wrong, I wished that I had a grandmother or grandfather who would tell me about all the things that I was doing right. I believed that grandparents were supposed to do that; I still believe it.
For the past two years, I have been experiencing the magical magnetism that exists between a grandmother and her grandchild. At the same time, I have learned how different grandparenting is from parenting. As a loving Mom, I worried and fretted about doing the right things in the right way in the best interests of our children.
Questions and doubts continually troubled me. Would Jeff’s reading disability hamper his development? Would I ever learn to cope with Judi’s sassy independence? I encouraged them to find playmates, then discouraged their rough-and-tumble games. We had fun, of course, but I wasted time, every day, critically analyzing my mothering methods. No one ever suggested that worrying and fretting can be dangerous to one’s health and well-being. No one said, “Relax, kids can be fun”
Being a grandmother is an entirely different experience.
Two-year-old Matthew is sheer fun. He thinks his grandparents come from the local toy store, gift-wrapped and guaranteed not to wear out, manufactured just for him. We believe he is our courier from the Fountain of Youth, a lively analgesic and potent anti-depressant. I never stop to wonder whether I am doing it right . . . smothering him with love . . . spending enough time with him . . . or too much. Questions that bedeviled my parenting, slowed me down and stifled my spontaneity do not concern me today. Let his parents worry. My job description reads: Have fun with Matthew and love him boundlessly!
A grandparent-grandchild love match should have few boundaries and fewer rules. It is a special structure, without walls of criticism and islands of discontent.
It is not my intention, however, to oversimplify the relationship. Grandparenting is often more than fun and games. Family life generates crucial and critical moments. The roles of grandparents in the lives of their children’s children are often challenging and complicated.
Family relationships are frequently confused and confusing because family members are physically and/or emotionally distant and dispersed. Many mothers and fathers are separated, taking turns parenting their children, while others are raising children alone. Grandparents might well be the most stabilizing, consistently available, trusted adults in the lives of those kids.
Some grandparents and grandchildren are separated by long distances. It takes considerable effort to keep that special spark alive across the miles, but it is an effort that is rewarding. Nonjudgmental, accepting warmth is transmitted easily over distance; our grandkids learn quickly that we are there for them. With such reassurance, they can enjoy a special security.
Sometimes it is not miles that separate us. Trapped in the cross-fire of our children’s battling, occasionally becoming targets of their anger, we may be asked to stay away. But we have the legal right to visit our grandchildren, acknowledged and guaranteed by statute in each of our 50 states. Should an angry parent prevent us from visiting our grandchildren, we can seek advice from Senior Citizens Legal Services in Oceanside.
The changing nature and reality of the family have, indeed, placed a new spotlight on grandparents. Full-time grandparenting may become a necessity when parents are involved with drugs, alcohol, or child abuse. Should the need arise, many of us are capable of raising our grandchildren. When children must be removed from their parents, most would prefer Grandma’s house to a foster home. This, too, is often the choice of Child Protective Services, the county agency responsible in this area.
Grandparents who are physically separated from their own grandchildren can reach out to children who are separated from their grandparents. Casa de Amparo, on Mission Avenue in San Luis Rey is a small, private, nonprofit agency that serves children after they have been removed legally from their homes and before they are placed in a foster home. The agency uses volunteers.
And there is help for those of us who become responsible for our grandchildren. The national organization, “Grandparents Raising Grandchildren,” has a weekly support group in San Diego that welcomes North County residents.
Even academia is involved. At Arizona State University in Tempe, a psychologist is teaching a course in “How to Be a Better Grandparent.”
A North County travel agent affirmed that she is receiving requests for special trips for the “grand” generations to take together. Companies are putting together travel packages, such as safaris, barge trips, tours of Washington and places of historical interest.
The family’s pendulum of change has been swinging wildly in the last several decades. Perhaps it will settle down as we, the “shades of gray” generation, reach out with love to the children of our children. Perhaps we can teach them by example as we may have failed to teach their parents.
MORE ABOUT GRANDPARENT SERVICES
“Grandparents Raising Grandchildren,” support group.
Phone: 223-0344
Senior Citizens Legal Services, 2182 El Camino Real,
Oceanside, 92054. Phone: 439-2535.
Child Protective Services, San Diego County.
Phone: 967-4410.
Casa de Amparo, on Mission Avenue in San Luis Rey.
Phone: 757-1200