Los Angeles on $450,000? No Way

DEAR DONALD:

The New York gossip columnists say you’re considering a move to L.A.

Well, we don’t blame you. After all, this is where people go to reinvent themselves. Or maybe Marla just wants to get back to movie making. Or perhaps you’ve heard we already have a restaurant named after you (Trump’s on Melrose).

But, Donald, we feel it’s our duty to warn you that L.A. isn’t like New York when it comes to money. In the Big Apple, you might be able to limit your personal and household spending to $450,000 a month now that those pesky creditors have put you on a budget.

But here in The Big Orange, them thar’s chicken feed.

Just listen to real estate honcho Fred Sands, a guy you’d better get to know if you want one of those fancy homes in the Platinum Triangle (Holmby Hills, Bel Air, Beverly Hills). “Hmmm, life in L.A. on $450,000 a month for someone like Donald Trump? It’s tough, but not impossible.”

But, first, let’s put it in perspective.

By some people’s standards--at least those who don’t go naming everything after themselves like you do--$450,000 is more than enough for a lifetime, let alone a month.

And such a sum would be a godsend to worthy causes out here. For instance, your monthly allowance could underwrite about two years of operating expenses at the Watts-Willowbrook Boys and Girls Club. (Just think, the Trump Boys and Girls Club!) It could pay for about 6,000 patient visits at the Venice Family Clinic. (The Trump Family Clinic!) And it could fund a six-week run for a show at the Los Angeles Theater Center. (The Trump Theater Center!)

But L.A.’s high life on $450,000 a month?

Think again.

First, there’s the matter of those hefty support payments to Ivana and the children. You’re required to fork over at least $60,000 a month just for that.

SUBTOTAL: $60,000.

Now let’s talk about L.A. essentials.

Housing is a major expense in L.A., and rightly so. But unlike the New York real estate market where prices have been going down, the L.A. market is only just leveling out. You’d want one of those $10-million-or-more mansions in Bel-Air, which, for a heavily leveraged kind of guy like you, means only a 50% mortgage--with luck.

Add in real estate taxes, insurance, utilities and such, and Fred Sands says you’re looking at a $100,000 or so monthly nut.

SUBTOTAL: $160,000.

Now, Donald, we don’t want to scare you, but to do it right in L.A. you’ve simply got to have a weekend retreat in Malibu. According to Jim Rapf & Associates, a house on Carbon Beach, better known as “Deal Beach” (after all, you wrote “The Art of the Deal” when you were still riding high) will set you back another $10 million.

So that could be as much as another $100,000 a month outlay.

SUBTOTAL: $260,000.

Then there’s the cost of running a household. We hear you like to maintain maids, gardeners and chefs at all your homes. In L.A., folks like you also tend to have an estate manager, driver, valet, personal assistant and maybe even a “couple” in Malibu. Plus the two nannies you’ll need to hire when your three children come to visit.

All in all, including food and health insurance, you could be looking at $30,000 a month for help, according to several domestic agencies. And, still you wouldn’t be living the L.A. High Life--not without fresh flowers to brighten your homes, a pool and tennis court service to clean your watering holes and sweep your clay, a cleaning service for the extra-heavy jobs, and a host of Mr. Fix-Its. That’s another $10,000 a month easily.

SUBTOTAL: $300,000.

Donald, we know you like to have the best of everything, even when it comes to motoring. But if you think you can get by with leasing a limo, forget it. You’ll look like a tourist or, worse, a rock star.

No, the bad news is you must have your own wheels. So you’ll need a $85,000 Mercedes 500 SL, a $215,000 Rolls Royce Corniche Convertible (you’ve already got the blonde, so why not have the convertible, too?), a $40,000 Range Rover and, for practicality, a $15,000 Ford Taurus station wagon (hey, the staff can use it).

Figure that’s another $10,000 a month in car lease payments (and that doesn’t even include insurance).

SUBTOTAL: $310,000.

Now one way you can cut costs is to downscale the size of your yacht. For one thing, the Trump Princess is costing you $70,000 a month in maintenance what with captain, crew, fuel, slip fees, taxes and insurance. It’s also too big to berth at Marina del Rey, which means you’ll have to find somewhere more pricey to put it, like next to the Queen Mary.

SUBTOTAL: $380,000.

Donald, take our advice. Get rid of the boat. And lose the private plane and the helicopter, which are costing you another $30,000 a month easily.

SUBTOTAL: $410,000.

Then there’s the cost of maintaining appearances.

Peter Jaram, men’s manager at Fred Hayman on Rodeo Drive, estimates that a guy like you who’s used to wearing custom suits will spend $3,000 a month on his wardrobe (though Peter Holm claimed to spend $12,000 a month on clothing and accessories during his marriage to actress Joan Collins). If you factor in Marla as well, that could be another $10,000 a month for clothes and $37,000 a month for jewelry and furs (at least that’s what Joanna Carson said she was spending before her divorce from Johnny).

SUBTOTAL: $460,000

As you know, Donald, Angelenos are very healthy, so that double chin and pasty complexion just won’t make it out here. So you (and Marla, too) will need another $2,000 a month for massages, $5,000 a month for a physical trainer, and $3,000 a month for tennis lessons. Plus $3,000 a month on home appointments with hairstylist-to-the-stars Angelo DiBiasi of Beverly Hills.

Then, Donald, it’s inevitable you’ll require plastic surgery your first year here. (Marla’s a little young yet.) Figure $25,000 worth of nip ‘n’ tucks and liposuction, plus recuperation for one week at “the Face-Lift Arms”--aka Le Petit Hermitage--and that averages $2,000 a month.

SUBTOTAL: $475,000

Now, for the cost of L.A.-style fun, Donald.

If you’re doing it up right, then Lakers season tickets are de rigueur, and four seats--for yourself, Marla and another couple--go for as much as $40,000. You’ll want to see the Dodgers, Angels, Rams and Kings as well. You’ll want to attend the philharmonic, theater and opera at the Music Center. You’ll want your own box at the Hollywood Bowl. You’ll want to go to openings at the Contemporary and County museums.

Hmmm, that’s another $10,000 a month at least for sports and culture. But you’d also better join some of the oh-so-social country clubs and downtown clubs, which could cost as much as $30,000 a month factoring in the initiation fees you’ll shell out the first year.

We know, for example, that you like to eat out several times a week. Going to Michael’s in Santa Monica--where a few morsels arranged artfully on a plate can set you back $100--on any kind of regular basis means another $4,000 a month for restaurant meals. (And that doesn’t even include your groceries from Gelson’s.)

SUBTOTAL: $519,000.

And then there are your vacations. (After all, didn’t Ivana leave you after she and Marla met on a lift line in Colorado?) If you’re going to keep up appearances, you’ll have to spend Christmas holidays at The Little Nell in Aspen where suites go for $2,500 a night.

And then you’ll want to pop over to Europe every once in a while. And maybe a couple of trips to Hawaii. You’d better budget another $10,000 a month just for jaunts out-of-town.

The terms of your agreement reportedly say that you must keep your charitable contributions to under $100,000 a year, or $8,333.33 a month. According to Esther Wachtell, president of the Music Center, you’ll have to contribute $2,500 a month to become a Music Center benefactor, and then spend whatever is left over on tickets and tables for L.A.’s average thrice-a-week fund-raisers. And, as far as political donations are concerned, the only way you’ll get noticed is to spread around $10,000 a month to politicians and their PACS.

All of which makes for a monthly grand total of almost $550,000 ($547,333.33 to be exact). Which more or less equals what you spent in 1989 even when you weren’t on an allowance.

So take our advice, Donald. Stay away from L.A.

You simply can’t afford not to.