Leg Shaving, Cow Stomachs, Charities and Feminism

Dear Ms. Klein:

Freaks? Weirdos? Really, Ms. Klein, cyclists are humans, too. By the way, tell your husband that I highly recommend the ‘Lady Remington.’ It provides a close shave without any unnecessary bloodshed.

Michael Benner,

UC Irvine Cycling Team

Santa Ana

Dear Mr. Benner:

How long have you been in Orange County, Mike? Here, no one bats an eye at freaks and weirdos passing themselves off as humans. The human angle, in fact, seems to play big with the voters.

Perhaps you think I was a bit hasty in describing my husband and his fellow bicycling enthusiasts in the same vein. I can understand that. It would bother me, too. Still, my husband seems to delight in being different. How else to describe this shaved-legs ritual?

But, heck, Mike, to give you an idea of how open-minded I am about alternative lifestyles, I want you to know I passed on your Lady Remington suggestion to my husband. He even bought one. Right about now, Mike, I’m thinking unnecessary bloodshed might not be such a bad idea.

Dear Mrs. Klein:

I have been enjoying your comments very much. Yesterday, you got over into my territory. You realize that each of those cows you wrote about has four stomachs? Never in my 92 years have I found a magnet in any of them. Nails, yes. Barbed wire and magnets, no. Autopsies on bovines expiring from hardware disease have revealed nails, baling wire and other miscellany, but no magnets. The foreign objects always punctured the stomach well before making it through the maze of stomachs into the intestine.

Why is barbed wire like a bikini? It protects the property without obstructing the view.

Sincerely,

Paul K. Justus

Santa Ana

Dear Mr. Justus:

Lord knows I wouldn’t presume to argue with your 92 years or the cows in your territory. (I, for example, have never been present at a bovine autopsy, although it’s been on my ‘Things to Do’ list for years.)

However, with all due respect, let me point out that if you had found a magnet in your cows’ stomachs, you might have found any ‘nails, baling wire and other miscellany’ all in one place. You see, farmers these days actually encourage their cows to swallow magnets and even go as far as to purchase magnets for their cows’ enjoyment. The metal particles cling to the magnets, thereby greatly reducing the heartbreak of hardware disease.

I suppose one regrettable side effect of this technology would be a reduction in the number of bovine autopsies that one gets to attend. But as I’m sure you are aware, life is full of such trade-offs.

Did you know, for example, that barbed wire may soon be replaced by invisible electronic fences that encourage animals not to wander by giving them a mild jolt? Just think what that could do to your bikini line.

Dearest Dianne:

Once again, I am caught reading an article of yours that is as poor as your knowledge of the subject/subjects.

Your June 20 article makes reference to the totally unfounded and ludicrous suggestion that charities in Orange County are hard-pressed due to the ‘never too loose with our change’ mentality. You better get your facts in line to support that allegation. . . .

Well, Dianne, we can’t give to everything. It’s that simple. I ask you--have you honestly given to each and every charity that has ever approached you on the street, at your door, in your place of employment, etc., etc., etc.? If not, than you have absolutely no right to print such a ridiculous suggestion. Why should YOU bite the hand that feeds so many needy organizations around this county? . . .

Sincerely,

Mary Ellen Adams,

Orange County resident, volunteer and charity contributor

Balboa Island

Dearest Mary Ellen ,

So nice to hear from you again. But you have me a little concerned. It’s not like you to admit to being ‘caught reading an article’ of mine. Since you have been that honest with me, however, I’ll repay your kindness. Here are some statistics that you may find enlightening.

Orange County has one of the lowest rates of charitable-giving per capita, about 40% less than the rest of the nation. This is according to George Phillips, the United Way’s vice president of community issues. According to other studies--including the 1989 Orange County Annual Survey--only about 30% of county residents make any charitable contributions, while the rate nationwide is over 50%.

And, Mary Ellen, you are right. We can’t give to everything. I can’t. But maybe you’re different. You certainly do seem to have a lot to share. With me, at least.

Dear Dianne:

I can’t express completely the gratitude I felt when you called yourself a feminist in your May 16 column. It’s time that women who espouse feminist values begin to come out of the closet and use the ‘F’ word when describing themselves. I believe the same mind set which made “liberal” a dirty word is also at work with the word ‘feminism.’

Go down the line with all the issues which have come to light because of hard-working feminists: from obtaining female suffrage to working for equal pay and access to higher education and better jobs. Only the most confirmed patriarchs will deny these changes have worked for the good of all. . . .

I wish I didn’t have to say I’m ‘grateful’ for your admission. Perhaps if more women and men would stand up and be counted, feminism would cease to be a stigma and instead become a badge of honor.

Sincerely,

Valerie Dufresne

Corona

Dear Valerie ,

Thanks for your letter. This ought to make you feel even better. I AM A FEMINIST! Not that anyone who reads this column regularly ever had any doubts. I’m not much for hiding in closets.

Dianne Klein’s column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Klein by writing to her at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7406.