Nuts & Bolts : A how-to for homeowners : Which Bell to Choose? New Models Sound Good
Most people don’t discover what a hideous doorbell they have in their homes until about a month after they move in, when the kid comes to collect for the paper and pokes the button.
They’ll be in the middle of the Game of the Week on TV or--if they’re really unlucky--a romantic interlude, and out of the still air somewhere above their heads will come this terrifying, atonal, razzing, metallic brrrrraaaaaaaaaaack!
And, after they’ve overridden their old Army reflexes and picked themselves up off the floor, they swear that as soon as they finish stiffing the kid from the paper, they’re going to carefully dismantle the bell with a baseball bat and install a very small knocker.
It is true, no question about it, that the wall-mounted version of the joy buzzer, and the little metal bell with the angry, electrically activated clapper, are not exactly on the cutting edge of electronic technology. But you really ought to put away that Louisville Slugger, because there are a few pretty slick alternatives--several of them fairly inexpensive--to the Doorbell From Hell.
Let’s forget looks for a minute and concentrate on aural appeal. What you’re looking for, most likely, is not something that sounds as if you’ve just gotten the chop on a quiz show, but a device that produces tones that make you think a host of seraphim are at the door with hot pizza.
This means chimes. Don’t expect, however, that you’re going to get orchestra-grade tubular bells that are actually struck with a little mallet. Modern chimes are electronic, with the sound generated through a little speaker encased in a housing.
They don’t have to be large, and they needn’t be expensive. The economy-minded can find a basic plastic box with the familiar two-tone ring at Home Depot for $14. For a bit more money, you can have one that comes with a back-door button as well. Just one tone sounds when that button is pushed.
(You can go as low as $10 for one of the above-mentioned metal bells if you used to work in a firehouse and are lonesome for familiar noises.)
If, however, you’re a true doorbell fan (and hey, let’s face it, who isn’t these days?) you’re going to want to show it off. You’re going to want something like the Windwood model, manufactured by the Trine Products Corp. of New York, who have been in the doorbell business since 1876.
The Windwood consists of three brass-finish tubes contained in a solid oak cabinet 30 inches tall and 11 inches wide. Bolt that to your entry hall’s wall and visitors are going to know that this is the home of a genuine doorbell fanatic. It costs $250.
(The brass tubes, incidentally, are for show. The eight-note Westminster chimes are produced electronically. True doorbell nuts will figure this out by deducing that Westminster chimes would require four tubes, not three.)
“Over the years, the customers have started to require fashion,” said Stephen Paley, the West Coast regional sales manager for Trine. “They’ve looked at chimes as a decorator item, and now they can buy oak or cherry chimes to match their furnishings and their decor.”
The business end of the doorbell mechanism--the button--can be nothing more than a white disc set into a wall or doorjamb, or it can look like something on the lid of a gilded presentation box. Many are lighted for better visibility at night. The most expensive are solid brass, which can cost from about $15 to $45.
The pricier models also are weatherproof. Those that aren’t have a life of about five years, Paley said.
But is there such a thing as a fun doorbell on the market? Something decidedly non-Avon lady?
Yes. The most glorious item in the Trine line (to my way of thinking, anyway) is the Selectronic Programmable Musical Chime. It’s a little marvel of computer chip technology that will, on demand, beep out any of 32 catchy standards. You can program it to play just one tune or let it play a different one every time the button gets pushed.
Ethnicity, patriotism and holiday cheer figure heavily in the choices. Among them: “Dixie,” “William Tell,” “Hava Nagila,” “The Beer Barrel Polka,” “The Volga Boat Song,” “The Hallelujah Chorus,” official songs of nearly every branch of the U.S. military, a selection of Christmas carols and the six-note call, invented at USC, that has come to be known simply as “Charge!”
Push the button at the back door and you get the first eight notes of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Something to delight, or offend, nearly everyone.
(Nothing, unfortunately, off the shelf for Halloween, a holiday literally groaning with possibilities. How about doorbell that screams? Or one that fills the house with demented laughter? Or ghostly organ music?)
Still, I don’t think you can beat Bill Cosby’s doorbell. He has said many times that his idea of a truly terrific one would be one that, upon the push of the button, bark: Somebody’s at the door!!
If you can find an electrician willing to wire that one up, let me know.
