And Herewith the Worsts

Worst Cabins--The “thrifty” and “budget” inside cabins aboard American Hawaii’s Constitution and Independence caused one young woman to burst into tears when she had trouble getting her suitcase inside, let alone her new husband.

Worst Entertainment--The most ludicrous we can recall was on Cunard’s Sagafjord (or was it the Vistafjord?), where we witnessed a lady xylophonist perform a medley that included “Stars and Stripes Forever” and “These Boots Are Made for Walking,” followed by a young man in lederhosen who played musical spoons against glasses of water while his father yodeled.

Worst Gym--Aboard Renaissance I, in the muggy heat of Southeast Asia: two exercise machines, a stationary bike and a rowing machine rusted away on an outside deck.

Worst Staff Attitude--The French-speaking G.O.’s ( gentils organisateurs ) aboard the first sailing of the Club Med 1 raced passengers to the best deck chairs and were sometimes so abrupt with Americans on board that the company later hired an American G.O. as a go-between.

Worst Bathtubs--Crystal Harmony’s tubs are too short, too deep and potentially hazardous for elderly or infirm passengers.

Worst Observation Lounge--The piano dome on Princess’ Crown Princess, where a bar across the windows covered the horizon and the automatic window-washers were faulty.

Worst House Champagne--Carnival’s Fantasy serves a vintage that caused one guest to pucker, then ask a bartender where it was bottled. He studied the label for a moment and announced proudly, “West Palm Beach!”