Stupidity Is the Mother of Man’s Ejection

Chuck Tanner, who managed the Chicago White Sox, Pittsburgh and Atlanta, used to lecture his players on the science of arguing a call.

“If you tell the umpire he is a dirty . . . , the boot is automatic,” Tanner said. “But if you say, ‘If I was out on that play, I am a dirty . . . ,’ you get the message to the ump, you get the grievance off your chest and you give him no case for throwing you out.”

The Tanner Theory obviously never spread, judging from the 152 ejections that have been recorded in the major leagues this year.

And that figure is current through Aug. 31. Ejections are entered into the books at specified periods, like frequent-flyer miles.

On the average, someone described as “personnel in uniform” is kicked out more than once a day. The Dodgers’ Kal Daniels got it last weekend during a vital series with Cincinnati. It was in the first inning.

And his bat, very important to the Dodgers, was lost for the evening.

A week or so before, something snaps within the cerebral turbine of Lou Piniella, manager of the Reds. He is inspired to rearrange the fixtures. He rips out first base and hurls it toward right field.

Then, viewing the bag and deciding he doesn’t like it where it is, he throws it somewhere else. You know the indecisions of decorating.

So Lou is kicked out and, afterward, is red-faced and contrite.

Those who populate baseball don’t like to hear that they are the worst disciplined people in sports.

They also reject charges that they are dumb, even though they understand fully what language will get them booted--and they deliver those words anyway.

Do baseball guys have arguments in their behalf? Mostly two.

First, they claim their season is long and they are driven to the ledge by the pressures of competition.

And their second argument concerns growing sensitivity, if not outright belligerence, of umpires.

Trying to prove one time that umpires often reacted out of proportion to the stimulus, Billy Martin concealed a tape recorder inside his jersey and went to the plate to argue.

A model of civility, uncharacteristically, he engaged in debate a militant umpire. He then submitted the tape to the league office.

Do you know what happened? Billy was fined. The charge: He was out of uniform.

No one has since tried to nail an umpire on tape, but even if certain umpires flex muscles, you can’t help but believe that the overwhelming majority of those they eject have it coming.

Baseball guys are badly disciplined, often beginning in Little League.

With moderate effort, one in the game is able to change. As a minor league manager, Tom Lasorda, for instance, posted a record that still stands.

He was removed from the first four games of a season--all in the first inning. Players got up pools in the clubhouse, drawing for the innings in which Lasorda would be bounced.

But bagging the Dodger job and informed that Walter O’Malley didn’t care for managers who got kicked out, Lasorda quickly taught himself the art of restraint. He is given the foot today only infrequently.

Television has created a problem for players and managers who burst their moorings. Games are taped and the tape systematically distributed.

Whereas in the old days a guy who went coconuts on the field was seen only by those in the seats, he is now watched by TV viewers throughout the hemisphere.

In his base-throwing caper, Lou Piniella was seen on the 9 o’clock, 10 o’clock and 11 o’clock news. And he would be seen the next day on the 4 o’clock, 5 o’clock and 6 o’clock news.

And such showings will follow the poor man for maybe the rest of his life, because tape is forever.

As manager of Philadelphia, Dallas Green suffered a moment of dementia on the field one night, going so far as to flick the cap from the skull of the umpire and kick it. He also jumped up and down like something suddenly unchained.

So a year later it is announced that Green is moving into the front office of the Cubs and what do you see on tape?

You see Dallas flicking off the cap of the umpire, kicking it and jumping up and down.

But fear of embarrassment and acts detrimental to their teams don’t seem to deter baseball guys from embarking on errands of lunacy.

Those on the field appear determined to do something stupid, and they don’t want anyone to stop them.