MOVIE REVIEWS : ‘Mr. Destiny’s’ Viewers Deserve a Better Fate

Near the opening of “Mr. Destiny” (citywide), Michael Caine as Mr. D. himself, must explain to ordinary guy James Belushi that what is and what might have been are, well, you might just say fated, but “That’s how destiny works--very subtly.”

Unfortunately for moviegoers, very subtly is not how “Mr. Destiny” works. It’s an attempt at fantasy so plodding that by its end it feels as though we’d walked the 20 years back to Belushi’s past, then hacked our way out of it again.

It’s roughly the 83rd “if-only” sports movie: if only our hero had caught it, ducked it, dunked it, swung at it, not swung at it or sat on it . . . his life would have been completely different. If only these movies would be.

Filmmakers James Orr and Jim Cruickshank, who co-wrote “Three Men and a Baby” and between them bear full responsibility for this soggy cruller, lay the blame for Belushi’s present mundane life on his high school baseball championship strike-out. Now, at 35, he’s a small cog in a sporting equipment empire where his wife Linda Hamilton is the union shop steward. The business is in danger of a take-over by insider shark Hart Bochner

After the worst day in Belushi’s life, he has one of bartender Mr. Destiny’s drinks--the Spilt Milk--and is transported to a far, far better past, one where TV sitcom rules of class and caste apply. So Belushi finds himself married to the boss’s daughter, Rene Russo and living in “Being There’s” baronial mansion and the movie’s arch and curiously dated humor comes from what the filmmakers call their Everyguy, wandering around his ritzy digs, goggling at the behavior of the swells.

His English butler will not know what Belushi wants when he asks for “the can” and will turn the word brewski over disdainfully in his mouth. Belushi’s two young kids--mysteriously non-existent in his “real” life--and his wife attend the op-er-ah, wearing velvet togetherness outfits like those families in mall photographer’s Mother’s Day studies.

You can keep yourself awake by brooding about the fate of these kids in the time-travel switchback, but the only real spark to this infinite affair comes from Linda Hamilton’s intrinsic warmth and from art director Catherine Hardwicke. She and set decorator Karen Steward created Caine’s splendid nostalgic bar and The Golf of Mexico, a miniature golf course so hilarious it’ll probably be in theme parks before Christmas. However the movie, whose pinnacle of self-discovery is, “I guess I just didn’t know what I had,” is a destiny to be avoided at all costs.

‘MR. DESTINY’

A Touchstone Pictures presentation in association with Silver Screen Partners IV of an Orr/Cruickshank production in association with Laurence Mark productions. Director Orr. Written and produced by Orr, Cruickshank. Executive producer Mark. Co-producer Susan B. Landau. Camera Alex Thomson. Editor Michael R. Miller. Production design Michael Seymour. Art director Catherine Hardwicke, set decorator Karen Steward. Costumes Jane Greenwood. Sound Lee Orloff. With James Belushi, Linda Hamilton, Michael Caine, Jon Lovitz, Hart Bochner, Rene Russo, Maury Chaykin, Jay O. Sanders, Courteney Cox.

Running time: 1 hour, 52 minutes.

MPAA-rated: PG-13 (for brief but strong profanity)