If You’re Hot, You’re Hot-Line Hot. If Not, You’re Not

Do you have your own 1-900 line yet?

Well, what are you waiting for? Anybody who’s anybody has one.

Oh, so that’s what you’re waiting for.

Not to worry. C’mon, this is Orange County. Fake your status.

Having your own 1-900 telephone line is your way of announcing to everyone that you’re pretty darn important. It worked for Jose Canseco (1-900-ASK-JOSE), didn’t it?

Surprisingly, quite a few local notables have their own hot lines, and I thought you’d like to know what you’ll hear if you call them. This is being done as a public service. If you telephone them yourself, each call costs 95 cents:

1-900-SCAM-OLA: Hi, this is Charles Keating. It’s been a crazy year. I’ve moved recently and I have a feeling I’m going to settle in for a long, long time. I’ve made some adjustments in my lifestyle that are really exciting. For example, I’ve discovered I don’t need those frills--like my house, my car, my keys, my clothes, my wallet. If you want to leave a personal message, please do. I’ll get back to you in, oh, about 10 to 20. Years, that is.

1-900-IN-UTERO: Hi, this is Anna Johnson. I’ve begun a new career as a surrogate mother. If you or any of your friends would like to use my services, I’m available. This is a sensitive and extremely private kind of business, so rest assured it will be handled with professionalism and the utmost discretion.

1-900-LUCKY-ME: This is Jim Everett. Gee, what can I tell you? I’m tall. I’m good-looking. I’m a pro quarterback. I’m a millionaire. I’m 27. I was recently on the cover of Gentleman’s Quarterly. I have a beautiful girlfriend. I guess it’s pretty great being me.

1-900-357-MGNM: Your old fun-lovin’ sheriff, Brad Gates, on the line. Bang, you’re dead. Just kidding. So, you want to know what I’ve been up to, huh? I was afraid of that. Like many law enforcement officials, I’ve had to spend a lot of time in court lately. My lawyer can fill you in on the details. When I’m not in court, I’ve been up to my eyeballs in gun permits. As my old buddy John Wayne used to say, a friend without a gun isn’t much of a friend.

1-900-PHD-MABA: This is Supervisor Harriett Wieder. I believe you’re never too old to stop learning, so I’ve been working hard lately taking some extra classes. And although it’s been a strain on me, in the last year I’ve picked up degrees from UC Berkeley, Harvard, Stanford, Michigan, Cornell, Tufts and Golden West College. It’s caused me to miss a supervisors’ meeting or two, but a person can’t be everywhere at once.

1-900-THE-BASH: Congressman Bill Dannemeyer here. The 1991 legislative session promises to be a busy one, with most of my colleagues concentrating on the Persian Gulf crisis, the budget deficit and the savings and loan mess. I hope I can count on your support for my own pet legislation--a bill that would make it a federal crime to be gay, to know anyone who is gay or to speak to anyone--either in person or on the telephone--who is gay. I’m thinking of tacking on an amendment that would make it a crime to use the word gay in a sentence.

1-900-TREE-HUG: Johnny Appleseed here. Hey, had ya goin’, huh? This is really Don Bren. I’m starting to think I may never build another house in Orange County. People say I’m turning into an old softie, but my therapist says I’m just having a midlife crisis.

1-900-OVR-N-OUT: This is George Rebella. Yeah, that’s right, I used to run the airport. So what? What do you mean, fired? I wasn’t fired. I quit. I WASN’T FIRED, OK? I QUIT! GOT IT? I didn’t want the stupid job, anyway. Who’s bitter? I oughta punch your lights out!

1-900-OOH-LALA: This is Mamie Van Doren. I was hoping you’d call. Actually, I was hoping anyone would call. You probably think my film career is over. Ha, that’s a good one. I’ve been doing a little writing. In fact, my agent is working with a major studio now for me to star in a bondage film I’ve written called, “Newport High Confidential: What Really Happens in After-School Detention.”