In-Laws Can Put Families to Test at Holiday Time : Relations: Where to spend Thanksgiving: my family or yours? Rather than choose, some wives and husbands just feign sickness and thus don’t have to choose.

Carla Smith always enjoys the Thanksgivings that she and her husband, Joe, spend at her parents’ home in Whittier. For her, it’s a warm and festive occasion where she can be with her brother and sister and her six nieces and nephews.

But the Newport Beach woman is not looking forward to Thanksgiving this year: She’ll once again be spending it at her in-laws’ home in San Diego.

“I guess I sort of resent it,” said Smith, 32. “I enjoy my husband’s family, but I just like being home at Thanksgiving. My mother-in-law is getting up in years and she doesn’t really care to cook any longer. Last year, they just bought a turkey at the store that was already prepared. Thanksgiving, to me, is always a fun time at my parents’ home because everything’s home-made and it’s just a nice, warm, fun time.”

Smith, who asked that her real name not be used, laughed nervously.

“I feel like I’m bashing my in-laws,” she said. “I don’t mean to. I just don’t feel as close or as comfortable with his parents as I obviously do with mine.”

Smith is not the only in-law who feels torn during the holiday season.

For many couples, the dilemma of which set of parents to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with is an annual crisis, one that can strain even the best of relationships.

Mickie Shapiro, a Costa Mesa marriage, family and child therapist, said she has several clients who get sick every year at Thanksgiving.

“Even knowing they’re going to get sick doesn’t stop them,” Shapiro said. “The reason they get sick is because there’s such a pull to be with their own parents. The way to avoid it is to get sick and not go anywhere.”

Christmas is no different. Shapiro said several clients have attempted to solve the dilemma by visiting one set of in-laws on Christmas eve and the other on Christmas morning. But even that isn’t the ideal solution.

“They don’t look forward to the holiday, “ Shapiro explained. “They just say they’re so stressed out and exhausted.”

Chicago psychotherapist Leah Shifrin Averick, the author of a book on in-law relations, says it’s natural for parents to want their children present on holidays. But both sets of parents often demand equal time with the young couple, or the couple feels that they should spend equal time with each set of parents.

Averick said parents often don’t realize the difficulties that their married children experience in trying to balance loyalties to their parents as well as to themselves.

One woman interviewed by Averick for her book, “How Inlaws Relate,” attempted to solve the problem by having two Thanksgiving dinners, one with each set of parents.

“It was,” the woman said, “like a tug of war and we were the rope.”

Such tugging, therapists say, can lead to frustration, resentment and anger.

“Some parents can be really controlling and they can create tremendous pressure and pain during the holidays. They make the younger adults feel guilty,” said Jerry Deming, director of the Marriage and Family Counseling Center of Orange County in Tustin.

San Clemente psychotherapist Bobbi Nesheim says: “Whenever you move into any holiday or special time in your life with anger and frustration it’s not going to work out. The best thing you can do is take a look at what is causing your frustration and then negotiate: ‘What can we do about it? What do we really want out of this?’ ”

Even in the best of circumstances, Averick said, parents and their married children often have unrealistic expectations of holiday get-togethers. And it’s when the fantasy clashes with reality that there is tension.

“Usually, when there is tension and difficulty, I think it’s because the child--the son, for example--is hoping mom is going to make his favorite apple pie, or that dad will play golf with him,” Averick suggested. “He doesn’t realize mama is tired and maybe has a job now and doesn’t have time to make his favorite apple pie. And dad has arthritis and can’t play golf like he used to. So then there are disappointments when a child goes back home.”

And while a son may have unrealistic expectations about visiting his parents on the holidays, Averick said, “along comes a daughter-in-law who has no fantasies about these people and no old wishes, dreams and hopes of being with them.

“She’d rather be around her own family, where she was nurtured and loved and admired so much. And the daughter-in-law gets bored with the family history and whatever tales we have. It’s not so much fun for her and she might feel excluded.”

Matters are made even worse if there is underlying tension between, say, a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.

“How does this critical, stereotypical person you resent turn into a charming, wonderful, tolerant grandparent? And does she?” Averick asked. “And what’s it like even from the viewpoint of the grandchildren if you go to a grandmother you know your mother doesn’t like?”

There are, Averick said, “all kinds of clashing wishes and realities that are in juxtaposition with one another. And that’s why holidays are often so disappointing instead of so satisfying.”

So what’s a family to do?

“If you’re forewarned about these things--if you know what to expect--then you can handle things better,” Averick advised. “You’re not going back to what it used to be, you’re going back to what it is now.”

So instead of saying, “Mom’s going to take care of me and my children while we’re visiting,” Averick suggests instead saying, “Mom is older and too tired to take care of us; I better plan to help when I go back home.”

And instead of assuming that mom and dad will still have your old toys for your children to play with, have your children bring their own toys. And, Averick said, parents should be informed ahead of time if your kids like Cheerios or something special for breakfast.

Older parents and in-laws have their own expectations for the holidays. While they are thrilled to have their son or daughter back home, Averick said, they also may be concerned about what the grandchildren will do to their new carpeting and drapes: Who is going to mind the kids and remind them not to put their sticky fingers on grandma’s new curtains?

That, too, should be determined ahead of time, Averick said.

Families also should discuss how they’re going to spend the day. The parents may want their children and grandchildren to spend the entire day with them, but their children may prefer to visit old friends or go to a movie after dinner.

“If you spell out what you need and want ahead of time, the visit can be pleasant,” she said.

And what if the daughter-in-law, for example, just doesn’t like her mother-in law, or vice versa?

“Usually,” Averick said, “when they don’t like each other, it’s because there have been some hurt feelings, or people forgetting to say thank you after all this effort that has been extended. This ‘thank you’ is sort of forgotten in our culture.”

Everyone, Averick emphasized, needs to feel important and appreciated.

“If they say, ‘Gee, mom, it’s been so nice, all these goodies you’ve provided for us,’ the mother or mother-in-law is thrilled.”

At her fourth son’s wedding a year ago, Averick’s new daughter-in-law took her aside and said, “Thank you so much for Benjie.”

“I still get a shiver,” Averick said. “I feel so warm toward that woman. She acknowledged my importance, my function as a mother, my contribution to her life.”

Actually, Averick said, thank-yous should be extended at some point during the day to everyone seated around the holiday dinner table: To mom, who cooked the meal; to dad, who may have provided airline tickets for his son and family; to the daughter-in-law, who brought the lovely flower arrangement; to the son, who took time out of his schedule to be with his parents, and the little grandchild, who made a drawing for her grandparents.

“If everybody has been acknowledged,” Averick said, “everyone’s feeling good around the table, feeling good because they appreciate each other.”

As for the dilemma of which set of parents to holiday with, Averick offers these suggestions:

* Parents must remember that their children cannot be in two places at the same time.

* “Don’t put unreasonable pressure on your children to spend time with you,” she said, “Respect the couple’s decision if they choose not to accept your invitation to visit.”

Parents of married children, she added, must realize that their parenting role is not the same as before: “You can make the same demands, but it’s inappropriate.”

For adult children, Averick advises this: “If you cannot or do not want to accept your parents’ invitations, don’t be evasive, but tell them as soon as possible. Hopefully, your parents will understand and respect your decision.”

Averick said the young couple should first decide among themselves where it will be most comfortable, convenient and pleasant for them to spend the holiday.

“Then you go back and he tells his parents and she tells her parents,” she said, explaining: “Parents are able to forgive their own child no matter what he does. Even if they get angry, the parent-child love ties are still there.”