On Your Mark, Get Set . . .

Editor’s Note: On this, one of the biggest shopping days of t he year, the Hot to Shop team has expanded its weekly advice column with tips and survival tactics for navigating the holiday mall mania. Happy hunting.

Running shoes? Check.

Shopping list? Check.

Cattle prod? Better leave that at home, but . . . in any event. . . .

Let the retail madness begin!

Today is the unofficial kickoff of the holiday shopping season, the day on which too many of us have decided to do our buying and schlepping--all at once.

The following nitty-gritty guide is for those of you who are ready to battle monster crowds, harried clerks and whiny children. For many of us, it is a sacred ritual as deeply ingrained as Thanksgiving indigestion, Fourth of July sunburn and Halloween sugar shock.

This guide is designed to help with the stickiest issues of holiday shopping, from knowing when the stores are least crowded to dealing with screaming toddlers, from curing the worst mall fever to curbing the desire to spend lots of money on yourself.

On your mark, get set. . . .

WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE FOR MY OWN PERSONAL CAMEL TRAIN: One of the fastest ways to destroy whatever holiday spirit you started out with is to load up your arms with tons of packages. Not only are store aisles narrower (because of larger inventories and holiday displays), they are also crammed with more shoppers who, like you, may have turned a bit testy from the sheer weight of what they’re clutching tightly to their bodies.

No wonder your arms may be screaming with greater pain than your feet by the time you get home. There are, however, solutions besides hiring either an out-of-work bodybuilder to carry your stuff or a pricey home delivery service.

One woman we know takes her baby stroller shopping, but leaves her baby at home. A luggage carrier could be used the same way. But watch out--you need to keep an eye on strollers and carts so you don’t invite someone to steal your packages. And you’ve got to be careful about running over other people or they’ll think of you as Imelda on Wheels.

Another free-your-arms tactic is to make a preliminary trip through the shopping area. Take your time to browse and pick out what you want. But don’t buy it, unless you suspect the item may quickly sell out.

After you’ve cruised the entire area, make one fast run and buy everything at once. If you still get sore arms, take a break and head for the car. Drop off the packages. Relax a bit and start again.

SHOP ME IN THE MORNING: There is indeed a best time to shop, even during the holidays. “It’s early in the morning, Monday through Friday,” advises Marjorie Deane, a New York City retailing consultant and owner/publisher of the Tobe Report, a weekly newsletter on fashion and merchandising.

“Be there when the door of the store opens. The stock is neat. The sales people aren’t tired. And you don’t have to elbow your way through crowds. You can have two or three hours of total bliss.”

THE NINJA WAY TO SHOP: There are two diametrically opposed ways to survive holiday shopping with dignity and style. There’s one we call the Lucy and Ethel/Cheech and Chong Approach. And there’s the super-strategized Ninja Way to Shop.

You may know the first method well. You go with a friend and lots of time. You spend as many hours hanging in cafes as in shops. You laugh a lot, relieving each other with jokes while enduring long lines. You have your picture taken with Santa Claus. You get inordinately silly trying out weird merchandise you’d never buy. And you take time to ogle the pretty decorations, if not the decorative folks in the crowd. Now and then, you make some purchases.

At the other end of the spectrum is the take-no-prisoners Ninja Way to Shop, which we have used ourselves during last-minute buying wars over the years. You make a list of gifts you wish to purchase. You phone ahead to be sure they’re in stock, which departments they’re in and where the departments are located. If you have to visit more than one store, you chart a precise itinerary.

You arrive at your first stop the second the doors open. You do not deviate from your plan. You do not stop to gawk at other merchandise--or shoppers. You get in. You get out. You pay cash. You remain alertly relaxed yet completely focused on your mission. It’s not nearly as much fun as shopping as if you were the Three Stooges, but it’s sublimely efficient.

CASHING IN ON THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN: You’ve heard the news. Retailers are gearing up--or down--for what may be the worst holiday shopping season in years. How does this affect you, the strapped shopper, looking to save a few bucks?

“If you really think the retailers are going to be pressed (financially), the best thing to do would be to wait to buy your gifts,” advises Carl Steidtman, an Ohio-based vice president and chief economist for Management Horizons, a retailing consulting firm that is a division of Price Waterhouse.

“The closer you get to Christmas, the more inventories will pile up and the more panicked retailers will become.”

On the other hand, Steidtman warns that if you suspect some retailers are not going to be pressed, then you’re better off buying early when the selection is better.

New York City-based retail consultant Peter Glen, author of the recently published consumer guide, “It’s Not My Department!,” thinks the merchants have already set in motion a self-fulfilling prophecy that they are going to have a bad season.

During a pre-Thanksgiving visit to the Beverly Center, he was appalled at how many stores already had sale signs in their windows. “Look at this. It’s the one time of year when people buy out of love and they’ve got things on sale,” he declared. “It’s suicide!”

ONE FOR YOU AND TWO FOR ME: While giving to others is part of the holiday spirit, some shoppers unwittingly find themselves buying more presents for themselves than they had planned.

“There’s nothing wrong with buying yourself a little something,” says Dr. Hyla Cass, an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine who is also in private practice.

“Buying something wonderful for yourself is . . . doing something nice for yourself. And if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love others.”

People may resent buying gifts for some relatives or friends because, “there’s a real distinction if you’re buying gifts for people you love, or because you’re obligated to buy them presents,” she says. “For people you love, gift-giving is an expression of love. When it’s an obligation, you run into resentment,” and that’s when you can start over-spending on yourself.

THE GIFT WRAP RAP: You’ve just finished standing in line 20 minutes to pay for your purchase, and now you want to have it gift-wrapped. So you wander over to that counter and find . . . another 20-minute wait.

But don’t hang around. Only chumps linger in Gift Wrap Hell. Instead, drop off the your items and come back for them after you’ve done other shopping.

At many department stores you can get a box, tissue and even a ribbon or bow and gift tag right at the counter where you make your purchase. Also consider outside wrapping services, if you don’t mind paying for them. There’s Wrapping by Windsor, 8252 Beverly Blvd., Los Angeles (213) 655-9144, Standard Brands Paper & Party Shop at 3020 Wilshire Blvd., Santa Monica (213) 453-1094 and Adele’s West, 11740 San Vicente Blvd., Brentwood (213) 207-2800. Check your local Yellow Pages for more.

SHOULDN’T A TRUE ENVIRONMENTALIST RECYCLE HORRIBLE GIFTS?: “The last thing you want to do is be found out recycling a gift,” says anthropologist Grant McCracken, author of “Culture and Consumption: New Approaches to the Symbolic Character of Consumer Goods and Activities.”

“This is seen to be an especially nasty display of social misconduct because gifts are supposed to be little concrete expressions of somebody’s personal regard and affection,” observes McCracken, the head of the Institute of Contemporary Culture at the Royal Ontario Museum in Toronto.

“When you turn around and recycle a gift, you’re exploiting the thing that is in our culture supposed to be least vulnerable to exploitation. That is personal sentiment.”

“Gifts are messages about relationships and about affection and connection. So when we use a gift that’s supposed to symbolize one connection to symbolize another, we see that as being deeply loathsome,” he contends.

But McCracken says that it may be OK to recycle unwanted, non-sentimental gifts if it can be done with discretion.

He warns, however, that all gifts--new or recycled--should be chosen with extreme care: “Every gift is ideally a perfect match between your knowledge of the person who’s going to get the gift and the world of objects out there . . . .A tremendous amount of effort and anguish will be expended making these crucial decisions. The connections between people will be changed by the kinds of gifts that change hands.

“What’s interesting is that we all pretend it’s not a crucial issue. It drives us crazy, but if we get it wrong, it can change relationships. Why we think we can just ignore the issue--or handle it on a perfectly amateurish basis--is beyond me.”

MOMMY! I WANT TO GO HOME! NOW!: Few things put fear into the heart of parents more than shopping in crowded malls with screaming toddlers.

Frank Manis, associate professor of psychology at USC (who has two children), says there are ways you can alleviate Cranky Toddler in the Mall Syndrome.

“The best way to go is to have them in a carrier where they’re vertical, such as a knapsack,” he recommends. “That way they can look around and amuse themselves, and also feel secure.”

A stroller may be most parents’ choice, but Manis says it’s not the best alternative: “You’re pushing the stroller into people’s knees, and navigating through a crowd with one is terrible.

“What you should do is plan frequent stops and be prepared for unscheduled stops for the bathroom, food, diaper changing. Parents should know in advance where these places are.”

Older children, he adds, “might expect you to buy them something. Plan to purchase some small thing for them half-way through the day, because then you can get them to wait and be good for a while. Get something that can be used in a stroller, like a toy or book, and then they can amuse themselves with it.”

In a common worst-case scenario, of course, the child begins to cry and fuss and won’t let up.

“I wouldn’t blame them,” says Manis, “because I feel that way when I’m in the mall. Take it in stride. Don’t look at it as them fouling up your day; it’s a normal reaction to someone who is overwhelmed.

“Approach them in a sympathetic way--ask them what the problem is and what can you do to help. Try to get some cooperation. If the child is losing it completely, try a complete change of scenery or get a treat just to change the pace. Sometimes malls have places for kids to play, so hang out there for a little while, and then see if you can get back to shopping. If you can’t, you can’t.

“You can’t expect too much,” he adds. “If you go into this with realistic expectations and feel you’re lucky to get two hours of shopping in, your attitude will be better and you won’t make the child upset.”

BUT I CAN’T BE OVERDRAWN! I STILL HAVE SOME CHECKS LEFT!: Before you race into the stores gleefully yelling, “Charge it!” consider that the season of giving is also the season of spending, meaning for some the beginning of financial ruin.

But it doesn’t have to be that way, according to Richard Pittman, manager of counseling and education for Consumer Credit Counseling Service of Los Angeles, who says his client list swells after Christmas.

“We’re definitely talking damage control,” he says, strongly advising planning both cash and credit expenditures before venturing near any store.

“The first thing we try to figure out is: What’s the budget?” Pittman says. “Make sure there is enough to cover the necessities of life on a cash basis. After the holidays you have to look at what’s coming up: Property taxes are due, insurance payments, income taxes.”

“For people who are holding eight to 15 credit cards,” says Pittman, “that’s danger waiting to happen. Pick one credit card and make your purchases on that. Keep a book in your purse or wallet and write down each purchase, or stick a Post-It on the back of the credit card and write it there. That way, you have to stare at those numbers every time you pull the plastic out. Start out with an amount that is your limit, and when it’s down to zero, you’re done.”

Deferred billing might seem like a good way to make paying easier, but Pittman says it can also lead to impulse buying, or spending more on an item than you had planned. Also, check the terms of the financing carefully.

And if you’re prone to overspending, Pittman also advises taking along no credit cards and no checks--just cash. When it runs out, you’ve finished shopping. Just make sure there’s no ATM within walking distance.

SOMEONE TO HELP ME SHOP? OH DARLING, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE!: Services, such as a massage, computer lessons or consultation with an interior decorator can be valued, thoughtful presents--especially for people who don’t really need more objects in their lives.

A friend who is running out of closet space and can’t seem to keep things straight might benefit from a closet organization expert. Your overworked mother, who never takes time for herself, would probably love a few hours of beauty treatments at a salon. And your bachelor brother, who likes to entertain but whose idea of a great party is a bag of Cheetos and some brewski, may adore you for giving him an evening’s worth of services from the local caterer.

While some businesses are equipped to give certificates for their services, others may not and might have to be coaxed into arranging something. Make sure you know exactly the terms of the service you’re buying--what the service is, if it has an expiration date, where the service is to be performed, etc. Also consider giving others the services of maids, dog walkers and groomers, personal shoppers, baby-sitters and masseurs.

WHAT CAN I DO WHEN, EVEN THOUGH I’VE READ THIS GUIDE, I’M STILL STRESSED OUT?: Suzanne Chase of Los Angeles offers workshops on stress-free holidays. She recommends a “grounding” technique when all else fails: “You just imagine yourself having a rod, a pole going all the way through your body, hooking you to the center of the Earth, grounding you so that you know you’re safe and secure,” she says.

“The process of imagining that will take away a lot of pressure. You take some deep breaths and know that you’re grounded. Then you use the time, when you’re standing in line or stuck in a crowd, to look at the pretty things around you. Or use the time as an opportunity to go over your list. Or think of the ways to create more joy in your life. If you’re not as stressed as others and you’re willing to be with them, you can be the person who starts creating the spirit of the holidays around you.”

So you’ve survived the crowds, the gifts are wrapped, and you’re ready to celebrate? What if that final, ultimate shopping nightmare strikes? What if someone presents you with a gift and you don’t have one for them? Smile. And from the bottom of your mall-weary heart, say “Thank you.”