Legislators Should Draw the Line and Add a Democrat

The 1990 U.S. Census has been completed, and it looks like Orange County will get another congressional seat.

Oh, goody.

Is it too late to demand a recount? Did that many new people really move into California?

Can we give some of them back? Maybe we could work out a lend-lease program with Montana, which is losing one seat--leaving them with only one representative. I’m a little fuzzy on my U.S. history--if any more people leave Montana, does that mean it won’t have any reps? Does the state just fold up?

Why don’t we ship them, say, about 250,000 of our fine citizens and see if we can’t balance the books a little. A million, you say? Sure, why not?

From the map I’m looking at, it also looks like Iowa could use some bolstering. Their population declined 4.3% in the last 10 years, although it’s their own fault. Have you ever been to Des Moines in mid-January?

Iowa’s drop-off also is expected to cost the state a congressional seat, leaving it with five. I hope the casualty doesn’t turn out to be Fred Grandy, the guy from “The Love Boat” who got elected to Congress. I always thought he was a fine, fine actor.

While these states suffer, California is expected to get seven new seats, including one in Orange County, which would give us six. Do you really think we deserve more congressional representation than Iowa, as fine a corn-growing state as we’ve ever had?

Neither do I.

I suppose my rather circuitous point is that we don’t really need any more Orange County congresspersons (or is it “congresspeople?”). Indeed, I’d like to go the other way with the delegation--maybe lop off two or three of them.

But if the law says we must get another one, who should it be?

Shouldn’t we insist that the state’s new congressional districts be redrawn fairly so as to ensure proper representation for everyone?

Absolutely not. I hope the Democrats in Sacramento aren’t thinking like that. Fairness has its place, but I hope they’ve checked out every gerrymandering book in the library in the hopes of finding some way to draw up a Democratic district down here. I don’t care if they have to draw concentric circles, rhomboid parallelograms or tie loop-de-loops in the boundary lines to do it.

Let them make this their Rubik’s Cube of districting. Keep twisting those sides around until a Democratic district comes up. Even if it starts with a cul-de-sac in Los Alamitos and ends up in a side street in San Juan Capistrano--give us a Democrat!

Just think how exciting it would be. Politics would actually be interesting in the county again. We’d have (gasp!) different points of view.

That’s why I had hoped that Vietnam vet Ron Kovic would have run against Bob Dornan last year.

Consider the possibilities: Kovic in a wheelchair, running against a guy who has referred to political opponents in the past with such colorful monikers as “a sick, pompous little ass” and “a sneaky little dirt bag.”

If we had a Democrat in the delegation, we could get stuff like that in the papers on a regular basis.

As things stand now, we always get about the same kind of stories whenever President Bush does something: “The Orange County delegation generally supported the President’s actions. . . . “

Be honest, wouldn’t you rather read something like:

“While the Orange County delegation generally praised President Bush’s actions, Democratic Rep. Wally Dingleberry denounced the president as a “severely misguided and quite possibly psychopathic personality.” Dingleberry, whose district was carved from sections of all 29 cities in the county, said the president’s decision reflects “the pathetic, warped conservatism that is all too popular these days.” Although he wasn’t specifically asked, Dingleberry also volunteered the characterization of his fellow Orange County representatives as “intellectual amoeba” displaying “a galling toadyism” to the White House.

My friends, this level of political dialogue is possible. You know Dornan is up to the task. We could also count on Messrs. Dannemeyer and Rohrabacher. Cox and Packard, well, we’d have to work on them.

But we can’t do it without a Democrat.

If you’d like this kind of primal politics, write to Assembly Speaker Willie Brown immediately. Tell him of your concerns about blandness in Orange County politics. Tell him to spare nothing in drawing the most illogical and unrepresentative congressional district boundaries ever seen in America.

Believe me, he’ll appreciate the opportunity to try it.

And then sit back and enjoy.