Money Talk : Unresolved Financial Conflicts Can Take Emotional Toll on Marriages

You spend. She saves.

You say “charge it.” She says “pay it off.”

You consult your broker. She studies bank statements.

Fortunately, you’re a two-career couple and you earn enough to have it both ways. She plays it safe while you take some risks, and you both feel good about how you’re managing your money.

But what if you’re laid off or the overtime you depend on is cut off? When money is tight, will she blame you for not saving enough? Will you criticize her for not taking more chances while you could?

You bet.

Todd Creager, a Huntington Beach marriage, family and child counselor, said he is seeing a lot of blaming among couples with money problems--especially when one partner has allowed the other to handle the finances unilaterally.

And Bert Keilin, a Newport Beach therapist, said he’s seeing a lot of financial--and emotional--stress because many couples have overextended themselves to take advantage of the good life in Orange County.

Now they are facing a recession complicated by the uncertainty of war, and high mortgage payments and credit card debts are finally catching up to them after a long period of prosperity.

Keilin observed: “Most everyone has gone overboard based on very good income. A lot of people with very high combined incomes don’t save and don’t have a cushion. They aren’t prepared for a recession.”

Nor are they prepared to talk openly with each other about how to deal with the financial squeeze that is threatening their relationship, as well as their bank account. They’ve been affluent enough to overlook their differences in spending styles for so long that they haven’t learned to compromise.

So they fight.

And, if they can afford it, they may end up seeking help in resolving conflicts that often prove to be deeper than the issue of how much to spend or save.

Therapists like Creager and Keilin are preparing for an increase in clients facing financial crises. They are among more than 50 members of the California Assn. of Marriage and Family Therapists who attended a luncheon Friday in Orange to pick up some tips from Victoria Felton-Collins, a certified financial planner in Irvine who has a doctorate in psychology.

The author of “Couples & Money: Why Money Interferes with Love and What to Do About It,” Felton-Collins told her audience that, for many couples, “it’s easier to talk about what goes on in the bedroom than in the bankbook.”

“In the ‘80s, we learned to talk about what we want and need sexually, but we haven’t learned to talk to our partner about what we want financially,” she said.

That will change in the ‘90s, she predicted.

The high cost of divorce will prompt more couples to talk before as well as after marriage about what they own, what they owe--and what they want.

And it may be a decade, Huntington Beach therapist Wayne Hart quipped in response to Felton-Collins’ prediction, when more couples will discover that they can stay out of financial trouble by engaging in “safe spending to avoid the debt virus.”

But “safe spending” won’t be enough to restore peace between couples who have never agreed on how to manage money.

In her book, Felton-Collins cautions: “Money can get in the way of love, even in the most romantic, compatible relationships. Of all the intimacies you share, the sharing of money sparks the most arguments, kindles the most resentments and creates the most confusion. From what I’ve seen, it also causes the most divorces.”

She speaks from experience. Her first marriage, which ended after 21 years, worked when money was scarce and she and her husband approached all financial matters as a “joint project.” But they began to grow apart as he became successful.

“My husband’s fast-paced corporate world with its deals, power, money and attractive women began to drive a wedge between us,” she recalled.

Since she remarried, she has made it a point to talk, laugh and argue with her husband about their differences in values, priorities and goals regarding money. They’ve set ground rules covering everything from who pays the gardener to whose assets will be used for major investments. And, as she writes in her book, they’ve learned to manage their money so that, despite conflicts, they can remain “a single enterprise in the business of love.”

Felton-Collins pointed out during her talk that couples today are feeling more tension over money matters not only because of the war and the recession, but also because their financial portfolios are growing increasingly complex.

Many middle-aged people are facing multiple obligations as they support college kids and aging parents while trying to set aside something for their own retirement.

Blended families are confronting the question of what’s yours, mine and ours. And, if they’re smart, they’re trying to separate their finances enough to make sure one spouse isn’t paying for the other’s past life.

And some two-career couples are struggling with the relatively new issue of who pays for what when the woman starts working after years of homemaking--or when she begins to earn more than her husband.

The need to talk has never been greater. But the barriers to communication are often formidable.

Many couples are unaware of how much they are still influenced by messages about money that they carry from childhood, Felton-Collins said.

For example, her mother used to challenge all her purchases by saying, “Do you really need that?” She still hears that question when she’s about to buy something, but, she said, “I spend much more easily than I used to.”

People often unconsciously react to those inner voices when they are making decisions about money. Talking openly about what money meant to you in the past can shed light on the conflicts you’re having with your mate today, Felton-Collins suggested. And when you ask yourself whether those messages from the past are still relevant today, you may find that the ones causing you trouble can be discarded.

Couples may also fail to recognize that many money conflicts arise because each partner is driven by different needs, Felton-Collins said. One may be seeking freedom while the other hungers for security. One may see money as an instrument of power while the other uses it as an expression of love.

Fireworks are sure to erupt when opposites live under one roof. But, Felton-Collins said, once couples identify their “primary money motivators,” they can work toward finding a balance between their conflicting needs.

Couples should also be aware of the role that gender differences might play in their financial discussions. While acknowledging that generalizations don’t always apply, Felton-Collins said that men are more likely to press for action in a situation that makes women yearn for a heart-to-heart talk.

For example, if a check bounces, he wants to call the bank and resolve the problem while she wants to discuss why it happened.

“Talking for women is a sign that the relationship is going well. For men, it’s a sign that it’s not,” she said.

In spite of all the money conflicts Felton-Collins sees in her work with couples, she’s optimistic that the ‘90s will be a time for a “renewal of the family.”

She believes that more couples will settle their money problems within their marriage to avoid the high emotional and economic costs of divorce.

And, she said, they’ll have a better chance of resolving money conflicts because their priorities are likely to change. She expects couples overwhelmed by the fast pace of life in Orange County to work harder at finding time for each other.

“Making time will be as important in the ‘90s as making money was in the ‘80s,” she predicted.