COMMENTARY : Palmer Comeback: Baseball Fantasy?

Jimmy, Jimmy, whaddya doing, babe?

This comeback thing, you think it’s a good career move? You got underwear. You got TV. You got the sun in the morning and the moon at night. Jimmy, what do you need baseball for?

OK, I understand mid-life crisis. Come on, I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. Sure, you buy the Miata with the personalized license plates, go to the gym, buy a $200 power tie and learn how to do the lambada, the forbidden dance. If you’ve got it real bad, you climb the Tatra Mountains or go to Tibet to visit your personal guru-trainer, who tells you the secret of life and of a narrow waist.

But Jimmy Palmer, you’re 45. Older than Ernie Whitt. Older even than Dewey Evans. It’s not like I’m not rooting for you--all us thirtysomething-pluses are in your corner--but if you can still pitch like you used to, I can climb Mount Everest, and right now I’m lucky if I can get to the top of the stairs without an oxygen mask.

Jimmy, what is it? You can tell me.

Life . . . is boring? You just got married. You get to see Brooks Robinson in person. Get this: For a lot of guys your age, it’s a thrill just to wake up each morning.

Jimmy, when guys get to be 45 and start thinking about playing baseball, they go to the winter fantasy camps. OK, I think, right now, you can still get Al Bumbry out. But Jimmy, Jose Canseco? You really want to take him on? I wouldn’t even want to take on his wife.

Look, I don’t blame you for going south for the winter. And if you want to pick up a baseball, why not, it’s a free country. You want to throw a little? Hell, you’re in the Hall of Fame. You can throw all you want. But, Jimmy, this is a different deal. Forget about Nolan Ryan for a minute. Nolan Ryan is a freak of nature, one in a million--actually, one in about 5 billion. Ryan is the pitcher that time forgot, which would make a great movie. You’re a great pitcher who got old.

But you say you’ve found this kid pitching coach who’s straightening you out. You say he told you your mechanics were awful and that you used to hold your glove wrong and that, suddenly, you’re better than ever. Now, holding your glove wrong can be very dangerous if you’re, say, a first baseman and you hold it high when the throw comes in low, or vice versa. It can be dangerous if you’re Michael Jackson, and you put the glove on the wrong hand. But pitchers, I don’t know. Did this kid ever beat Koufax? I bet he doesn’t know Sandy Koufax from Sandy Duncan. Who we kidding here?

Actually, I don’t think it’s going to happen. Do you? I mean, the Orioles say they’ll come look at you, and suddenly it’s a pinched nerve here and a tight elbow there and it’s the old Jimmy, except now, it’s the old Jimmy. And now you’re talking about next year already? Jimmy, do you think this deal is open-ended? You see anybody out there pitching who’s 60? Do you think things last forever, I mean other than the mortgage payment?

You won 268 games and you had a career that is enshrined as one of the greatest of all time, and now you want to turn that career into a carnival sideshow?

Jimmy, you want to do something wild, why not take up sky-diving? At least then, if you fall on your rear, you’d have the benefit of a parachute.