MAKING IT WORK : Tips for Couples Who Separate to Reconcile

The kind of marital separation that brings couples back together takes a lot of planning as well as a commitment from both partners to work on the relationship while they are apart.

To help couples structure a separation in a way that gives them the best chance of reconciling, Louis Stoetzer, a therapist in Orange, recommends the following steps:

* Make a decision. Some couples spend years thinking and talking about a separation but never take action. Deciding calmly to do something about a marriage that isn’t working can help couples feel closer than they have in a long time.

* Develop a short, honest, positive statement to explain the separation to friends and family. Most people will assume the worst. It’s up to you to let them know you’re taking an affirmative step that could lead to a better marriage.

* If your children are young, be brief, clear and honest when you tell them about the separation. Parents who try to cushion the blow tend to say too much and end up overwhelming their kids.

* Decide who’s going to leave and then look together for a place to live that will feel like home--not some bleak, austere motel room. Having your spouse help you find a place and allowing your kids to bring some of their things over will help them feel more connected to you while you are away.

* Figure out how you are going to finance the separation. You may have to use savings or investments or even borrow. Alternatives will surface when you begin to look for them.

* Develop a written or verbal agreement that spells out how you will behave while you’re apart. It might include a “date night” and a regular family night with the kids. It should also include a commitment from each spouse to work on personal growth.

* Take it slow. Don’t rush into a reconciliation when things seem to be getting better.

* Plan your reconciliation as carefully as you arranged your separation. Get the news out to family and friends. Make it official with an event that will become part of your family history. Your separation should be something you can talk about and look back on as a healthy, positive stage of your married life.