Heart Doctor : Love’s Labors Aren’t Lost on Psychologist Pat Allen, Whose Stage Forums Could Instruct Even Cupid

Westwood Playhouse is usually dark on Monday, the traditional theatrical off-night. But on recent Monday nights the place has been jumping with a different sort of production, and laughter, cheers and applause greet dialogue that no playwright ever scripted.

Monday nights at the Westwood belong to psychologist Pat Allen, therapist/comic/Mother Superior for the ‘90s. From this forum she dispenses wit, wisdom and one-liners about love, sex and relationships to crowds of single, well-dressed followers ranging in age from 20s to 50s.

Some are celebrities, such as Cyndy Garvey, Leeza Gibbons and Ted Shackleford. Many who attend this oh-so-Westside singles event are regulars who not only hang on her words, but anticipate them, and eagerly chant her pithy pledges.

“All you men,” she instructs in a pre-Valentine’s Day seminar, “let’s do our ‘Understand Women’ pledge.” The men repeat her words: “I promise on my honor to cherish the women in my life, even when they’re illogical, irrational and often irritating, so help me God.”

“Now, ladies,” she continues, “let’s do our ‘How to Love Men’ pledge,” and the women intone: “I promise on my honor to respect my man’s thoughts, wants and suggestions, even when I know I’m smarter and I could do it better, so help me God.”

There is a format of sorts. Allen opens with a monologue, then moves to written and oral questions from the audience. As the evening progresses, people step up to the microphone and bare their private lives in intimate detail. And with a periodic reminder that “everything I say is also applicable to gay and lesbian relationships,” Allen dispenses counsel and wisecracks.

Question: “I’m going through a divorce and living at home with my wife and 17-year-old daughter. Should I move out? If I do, will it help or hinder getting back together, if I want to?”

Answer: “Sir, if you leave her stranded in the house with a 17-year-old daughter, both are probably ready to have fun and forget you when you’re gone. If you want this woman, stay on the premises because who knows who’s going to sneak into your home.”

Who is this outspoken, earthy sage? Watching the trim, energetic Allen at work, deftly firing quips and effortlessly controlling her audience, a theatrical background seems likely, maybe some stand-up comedy.

But the 56-year-old mother of four daughters who commands the mike is, by her own description, “a shy person, very reticent and quiet.” She’s a recovering alcoholic whose background, which she candidly shares with her audiences, includes three failed marriages, attempted suicide and periods of obesity and mental instability that 20 years ago impelled her into therapy--which changed her life.

She says: “I was married, teaching art and working on my master’s degree in art at Cal State Fullerton when I went wacko, got into therapy and found it was fascinating. Eventually I got my Ph.D. in psychology at Golden State College and discovered, through my therapy, training and teaching, that I had a natural wit. . . . It’s difficult for me to open up with new people until I feel safe, but I feel totally safe in front of any audience.”

Allen’s Westwood seminars evolved out of the training sessions she was required to conduct as an intern to obtain her counseling license. Those weekly Orange County sessions, which began with a group of five friends, quickly grew. Since the move to the Westwood Playhouse last August, she regularly draws at least 300 people, at $10 each.

Her reputation has grown along with her audiences, and she’s much in demand for radio and television talk shows. Today, for example, her comments will air on KROQ at 7 a.m. and on KABC at 3 p.m., observing Valentine’s Day with her trademark mix of humor and advice to bewildered combatants in the relationship trenches.

She’d like her own national television talk show, she says in an interview, “because I have a gift for entertaining people, and because I’m able to give significant spiritual information from a core of pure traditionalism behind a facade of being provocative, profane and funny.

“I come from a dark place and I like to tell where I’ve been, what I’ve done and where I’m going as a way for people who are severely disabled, like myself, to follow me.

“The sessions I do in Westwood are show business and fun,” she says, readily acknowledging that “they don’t go deep enough to teach real skills.” And, in fact, she does practice serious and substantive therapy privately from her offices in Century City and Newport Beach.

Her words are serious, her advice is based on her therapeutic training, but her Westwood delivery is raucously funny--and people in the audience scream with delight when her zingers hit home.

A woman complains of a boyfriend who left her, came back and still won’t commit. Allen asks sternly, “You weren’t having sex with him, were you? You don’t have sex with anyone unless their (goals in the relationship) concur with yours. They’ll say anything if they’re horny enough. Sometimes the left lobe of the brain and the penis get inter-tangled. Now, you cross your legs and stay that way when he’s around.”

A man asks: “What do I do with a woman who thinks what she thinks is more important than what she feels?” Allen’s answer: “Drag her to a therapist or abandon her. Zip it up and don’t give it to her for awhile, and see if she likes that one.”

Next is a woman with a driven, commitment-avoiding boyfriend. Allen suggests she tell him that she’s leaving because she’s not getting enough of what she wants. “He’ll say, ‘Stop, I’ll give you more,’ or, and watch the ladies scream at this, ‘You deserve someone better.’ ” Indeed, the women howl with laughter at this familiar sentence. “Ladies, they mean it. You do. “

According to Allen, the most discussed issue in her groups is casual sex. “Women ask, ‘Why won’t he commit? Men ask, ‘Why do I have to commit?’ ” she said. “The thing I do most in Westwood is teach how to have sex on a virtuous basis without playing games of shoulds and shouldn’ts, religion and gods--sex just for good psychological health.”

Sometimes the questions trigger pungent general observations from Allen:

* “A man with a good sex life will make twice as much money as a man who has to deal with crotch bargaining all day.”

* “I was raised a Catholic in the Midwest, which is like a redundant version of goodness.”

* “A bad addiction is when they don’t like you. A good one is when you like each other.”

* “About all we do on the planet is play and work. Nice spiritual people live in their heads and the rest of us enjoy what we’re doing.”

* “Men give, boys take.”

* “Newly separated people should be marked in temporary indelible ink because they’re dangerous to others.”

* “Intercourse is only one aspect of sex. Sex is everything you taste, touch, smell, see and hear. Women are gigantic sex machines and everything we sense turns us on or off sexually.”

As the session winds down after about 90 minutes, Allen offers a cheery thought for the future about kinky sex. “A fantasy a month fulfilled in reality makes for a good old age. What are you going to think about when you can’t move it any more? Have lots of data up there.”

As audience members walk out of the theater into the patio for refreshments, they eye each other, singles style, and recap the evening. D’arcy Ludwig, 24, who works in advertising, says, “I like to come here occasionally because I always learn something, especially when I have a relationship problem. And it’s a good place to meet people. If they’ve made the effort to come and learn, they might be worth knowing.”

Quinn Redeker, 54, actor on “The Young and the Restless,” says, “Pat is expeditious. She helps to get through the little nonsense to the good stuff quickly--romance in particular.”

Ronni Land, real estate agent, says she got something very specific from the Allen seminars. “I’ve been married and divorced and I never knew how to flirt, but now I do. I’ve tried Pat’s method and it works.”

Private investigator Benjamin Albright, 44, who just ended a relationship, says, “I’ve been seeing a therapist for six months and he’s good, but Pat touched on a lot of things that were helpful to me in this one evening. I’d come back.”

What would Allen like her audience to glean from these seminars? “One, a therapist is human, so don’t be afraid to go to therapy. And two, nothing is too profane. Jung dealt with paradox and so do I--the paradox of profane and profound is my gimmick. To get one they have to get the other, and while they’re doing it they’re laughing.”