Some Help in Coping With Postwar Letdown
Families who are reunited after a war must renegotiate their relationships and responsibilities. Basically, they are learning how to get back together. Here are some things to watch for and some measures to take if problems do crop up:
* A very young spouse who was left at home may have become very capable and decisive. This can make the returning spouse feel unneeded. Karen Blaisure, who has studied the effect of deployment on military spouses, says, “I have always stressed that it is much better to be wanted than needed.”
* A mother who returns from service may be uncomfortable with the notion that her children have grown and learned from someone else.
* Returning parents may find that their children are a little afraid of them. Don’t force their affection. Spend a lot of time hugging.
* People who return from war may feel a sense of loss of control. To reassert themselves they may throw their weight around.
* Sex is often a problem. Some people will feel that if they do not have sex within an hour of their return, their relationship is over. Others want to be courted. “What I like to say in terms of sex is that some people are like light switches: You can turn them on and off, and others are like thermostats,” Blaisure says.
* Troops in Saudi Arabia were not permitted to drink. Martin Phillipps, who runs a support group for military families, says the deployment was “the world’s largest AA meeting.” Remember that alcohol is a depressant. A champagne reunion may not necessarily enhance the mood.
* Some people returning from war will try to reclaim their independence by spending money. They should be careful about buying anything, especially large items, in haste.
* People are eager to talk about their war experiences. Their families want them to listen to what they endured. There should be give and take.
* Many people have a fantasy about what their reunions will be like. Remember that if things don’t go exactly according to plan, it will probably make a good story some day.