Chalk It All Up to Norman Schwarzkopf

I remember way back at the end of the Great Gulf War, before the reign of King George was established, a prophetic moment. I was riding by a statue of U.S. Grant with my buddy, and he said, “Someday it’ll all be Schwarzkopf.”

I thought about that day this morning as I rode down H. Norman Schwarzkopf Junior Way into Schwarzkopf Center, the heart of Normville. I was speaking that morning at Schwarzkopf Junior High on my memories of the Great Gulf War.

I stopped off for a bucket of bagels from the Generals. Gen. Powell’s Brooklyn Fried Bagels was having a special on Saddamies--crushed garlic and puffed wheat. This franchise featured the familiar statue of smiling Gen. Powell in the window and the Brooklyn Fried Bagel slogan: “First we surround it--then we eat it.”

Next door at Real Boys Toys R Us, they were having a sale. Besides the latest upgrade of the anti-water pistol Patriots, the Normie Bears were selling for only five Quayles.

In front of the junior high is a statue of Gen. Schwarzkopf in the familiar pose astride his Exercycle. It was inscribed with two slogans from the days after the war. Above him it said: “Born for Greatness.” Below the Exercycle it said: “He Knew He Was Fat.”

In the classroom, the kids were all dressed in historic costumes, the familiar chocolate-chip cookie patterns of Desert Storm camouflage. During the assembly, the narrator wore a shoulder-length wig and leather jacket, strongly invoking memories of TV anchor Arthur Kent in his young Scud Stud days.

The program recounting the entire history of the war began with the liberation of the island of Quaruh during low tide and ended with the liberation of Kuwait by CBS News reporter Bob McKeown. Some of the boys who had to play the Kuwaitis were reluctant to kiss the classmate playing McKeown. The constraints of puberty are stronger than the imperative of historical accuracy.

After the brief re-enactment of the raising of the blue domes off the rooftop hotel pools in Riyadh, I was introduced.

The entire audience stood up and gave me the thumbs-up salute and sang the school song.

A toddler in Trenton,

He went to West Point.

He married a stewardess, Brenda,

And didn’t disappoint.

Stormin’ Norman, you’re the one

Who was there when the victory was won.

Cross between Patton and Fozzie Bear,

Barbara Bush said that,

At the time of the war.

I got up and talked about how difficult the days of the war were for all of us here at home. Especially those not fortunate enough to have CNN. I talked about how we watched it on TV at the health club, in the savings and loan line, at the unemployment office and at the Super Bowl. I talked about how many of us postponed vacations, stopped buying luxury goods and felt bad for most of the six weeks.

I was given the Dick Cheney award for valor. I told them it would have a place of honor in my small apartment in the Democratic Party Memorial Housing Complex.