It Seems to Be a Question of Freedom of, uh, Expression

In the movie “When Harry Met Sally,” Sally tells Harry in a restaurant that any woman can fake an org-- well, you know what I mean.

More to the point, she tells Harry, he’s probably had partners who had faked org-- while with him.

Harry (played by Billy Crystal) scoffs at that, citing his bedroom prowess and saying he’d be able to tell if someone were faking.

Knowing Harry to be a man and, therefore, the fool in such matters, Sally (played by Meg Ryan) proceeds to simulate an org-- right there in the restaurant. She builds to a lovely and convincing crescendo as the restaurant’s customers look on.

Then, in a moment that instantly attained film immortality, a woman patron who’s ordering at an adjoining table deadpans to the waiter, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

That line brings the house down, so we know it’s possible for the subject to provide great humor. But as with most things in life, timing is everything.

The scene is funny on film, but is it still funny if it happens live and in person at, let’s say, the Red Onion nightclub in Huntington Beach?

That little brain teaser apparently will get decided in court, inasmuch as the city of Huntington Beach has filed a misdemeanor criminal charge against the club, alleging that it held, and I’m quoting here, a “fake orgasm contest” last August.

The city argues that when it gave the club a permit, it didn’t know that such contests were part of the entertainment. The city was under the impression, says Assistant City Administrator Ray Silver, that the entertainment meant a deejay spinning some tunes and people dancing. Your basic fern bar.

Well, it looks like the entertainment department at the Red Onion is a lit-tle more creative than that, although it must be said that an attorney for the club wouldn’t come right out and say that such a contest occurred.

“I know what the city calls it,” says attorney Ralph Saltsman. I don’t know that it wasn’t an isolated event, I don’t know that it was organized, that it wasn’t spontaneous and whether it had anything to do with the management and operation of the club, whether it dealt specifically with patrons, whether the terminology is at all accurate or way off-base or whether it’s some creative thought process of the police officers” who were at the club that night last August.

However, Saltsman added, “if it happened at all, and if it really was intended to be that which they named it, what harm did it do?”

Silver said the contest wasn’t an isolated event. The club had at least one other contest billed as a bikini contest, he said, which amounted to a strip show. Shows like that, combined with nearby residents’ complaints about excessive noise and boisterous behavior around the club, have prompted the city to deny the Red Onion’s license renewal, Silver said.

The club is still open and appealing the permit denial. Saltsman says the club has spent lots of money on soundproofing and wants to work things out with the city.

But I could tell he’s a little irked about the fake-orgasm-contest thing.

“If the framers of the Constitution hadn’t included the First Amendment, then cities could enact ordinances to make verbal outcries that don’t endanger the public--like yelling ‘Fire!’ in a theater--illegal,” he said. “Otherwise, I have a real problem.”

I’d give a month’s pay to be able to ask James Madison if the First Amendment applied to fake-orgasm contests. It’s not that I think he’d say it doesn’t; I’d just love to see the look on his face when asked.

I don’t claim to know the entire bill of particulars the city may have on the Red Onion. This is a chain that has had trouble staying out of trouble in recent years, being cited both for alleged discriminatory policies and for health and safety violations.

But maybe the city has it all wrong. Maybe the chain is trying to improve its image and do something constructive.

Maybe what the city construed as a fake-orgasm contest was really nothing more than a takeoff on Sally trying to enlighten Harry in the deli.

Yeah, that’s the ticket. It was sex education.

You can’t close a place down for that, can you?

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.