When Buyer’s Remorse Sets In

For me it started on a Saturday morning about two months after we moved in. My car, parked on the street in front of the house, had been hit in the middle of the night.

My neighbor dropped by to commiserate. “We asked for a stop sign, but they said there had to be five fatalities first. We’ve had a lot of injuries, but only a few fatalities so far,” he said.

Great, I thought.

As my neighbor talked, he casually rested against the front porch railing. It leaned precariously backward, almost dumping him into the rose-bushes below.

It was the first time I discovered that particular problem. My stomach, already tight from the car scene, went into an agonizing cramp.

That was the beginning of my buyer’s remorse.

Buyer’s remorse is the deep conviction that everybody else in Los Angeles may make a fortune in real estate but you will descend into poverty and despair.

It is the feeling that you want to live in a van and travel the back roads instead of sprinkle ant powder around the foundation.

It is the fear that your house will collapse, your neighborhood will be rezoned industrial and your yard will be found to harbor toxic waste.

Fortunately, I had been warned.

Buyer’s remorse set in for my friend Stuart when he discovered that the neighborhood children were burgeoning psychopaths. Laurie had neighbors who never had learned the difference between talking and shouting. Linda and Jose received an estimate of $22,000 to replace the windows in their charming but drafty two-bedroom cottage. And Michelle had a severe allergic reaction to her newly landscaped yard.

Buyer’s remorse can occur any time, from the opening of escrow to several years after move-in. It can last a day, a week or a year. For most people, buyer’s remorse disappears immediately upon any of the following:

1--You get through an entire month without opening the tool box.

2--Interest rates rise.

3--The house next door sells for $30,000 more than you paid for yours.

4--Your mother describes the house as “cozy” and helps you decorate the living room.

5--Your father describes the house as “solid” and helps you install automatic sprinklers.

6--A location scout describes your house as “all-American” and asks if a production company can film a Hallmark greeting card commercial in your front yard.

Generally, buyer’s remorse does not require outside intervention. However, consider getting professional help from a qualified real estate agent if you experience any of the following warning signs:

1--You develop a deep interest in joining the Peace Corps.

2--You buy a “for sale by owner” sign.

3--You lie more than three times in a row when friends ask, “How’s the house?”

4--You spend more time with your handyman than your children.

5--You start to cry when you’re showing the house to your parents.

6--The manager of the Home Club greets you by name.

7--You tell your spouse he or she can definitely keep the house if you divorce. You consider a divorce.

Fortunately, even the most severe cases can be cured. Sufferers are exposed to a combination of social comparison treatment (“You think you have problems? Let me tell you about the people a few blocks over. . .

What happened to my own case of buyer’s remorse? The car is now parked in the driveway. The handyman will repair the porch railing, but it doesn’t matter because I’ve decided to redo the front entrance.

My buyer’s remorse is in remission. I’ll know if I’m cured when my mother comes to visit.

Jacobi is now well-settled in her Westchester neighborhood.