COMMENTARY : Warnings That <i> Really </i> Matter

Cigarette boxes carry warning labels. Why not movies too? A few weeks back, several public-interest groups petitioned the Federal Trade Commission to force filmmakers to tell theater patrons before a movie is shown that it includes paid product placements. The warning notice, according to the redoubtable Mark Crispin Miller, co-signer of the petition and media critic at Johns Hopkins University, should be “clearly displayed” and “clearly audible.”

Given the current state of movie-theater projection, where films are often out-of-focus and inaudible, this demand may already be pie-in-the-sky. But, even if the petition takes effect, it doesn’t go nearly far enough. What we need are warnings about specific content.

I’m not talking here about the kind of stuff that determines whether a film gets an R rating, or whatever. I’m talking about a warning telling us that, in the film we are about to see, Bruce Willis is going to be wearing five earrings.

So, in the interests of the public weal, I’ve compiled a list of warnings applicable to specific recent films, as well as a few more general caveats. It may be too late to help those poor souls who have already caught these movies in the theaters, but maybe the videocassette industry will take up the cudgel.

We should be warned against:

* Any forthcoming movie in which the name “Brian De Palma” and the word comedy both appear in the advertising.

* Any movie where Madonna is wearing conical outerwear.

* Movies with mimes, even if the mimes are eventually punched out (“Scenes From a Mall”).

* Movies featuring well-known actors in distracting, really bad haircuts (Kyle MacLachlan as Ray Manzarek in “The Doors”).

* Sandra Bernhard overacting (“Hudson Hawk”).

* Movies that hinge on the poverty of the central character, despite the fact that said character is wearing $300 designer shirts (Michael Keaton in “One Good Cop”; see also Don Johnson in “The Hot Spot”).

* Kevin Costner imitating the speech patterns of a 12th-Century surfer (“Robin Hood”).

* Sequences in which the good guy tracks down a killer by melding minds with the bad guy (“Silence of the Lambs,” “Backdraft,” “Ambition”). Note: The popularity of this new genre may perhaps be attributed to the fact that, in Hollywood, filmmakers regularly attempt to meld minds with whomever is in possession of the current hit formula.

* Movies in which an actress sings who really shouldn’t (Kim Basinger in “The Marrying Man”).

* Movies in which an actress doesn’t sing who really should (any non-singing Bette Midler or Barbra Streisand film).

* Movies featuring montages, especially falling-in-love montages and trying-on-hats montages (“Sleeping With the Enemy” combines the two--Julia Roberts falls in love while trying on hats. In “City Slickers,” it’s just hats.)

* Sequels to movies you never wanted to see in the first place, even on airplanes (“Mannequin 2”).

* End credits listing rock songs you never heard in the movie--but will hear on the soundtrack album (too numerous to mention).

* Movies with any kind of fowl in the title (“Hudson Hawk,” “Howard the Duck,” “Bird on a Wire”).

* Movies that do not star any of the following: (a) Brian Dennehy (b) John Candy (c) Danny Aiello. That leaves a total of eight movies this year.

* Any movie where the trailer has already shown you the entire plot, in sequence (“The Rocketeer”).

* All new French films. (The only ones that get imported here anymore are remade by Hollywood.)

* All Hollywood remakes of French films (“Three Fugitives,” “Three Men and a Baby,” etc.).

* Movies featuring characters who are “awakened” (“Awakenings”).

* Movies featuring actors who should be awakened (any recent film starring Mickey Rourke).

* Movies where the audience will need to be awakened at the end (too numerous to mention).