Reassessing the Writer Till the Cows Come Home

Dear Ms. Klein:

I’m visiting from Massachusetts and so reading The Times while here. I write to call to your attention an English grammar mistake in today’s paper on page E1. Words “her father and I” should read “her father and me.”

Sometimes being an English major at college prompts a letter to a newspaper (like this one.) I hope you don’t mind.

Very truly yours,

Brenda M. Dissil,

Laguna Hills

Dear Ms. Dissil:

Mind, why should I mind? My mother, who is also visiting, pointed out the same error before you did. Fact is, that was my mother’s only comment about that column (on guilt and motherhood). I see it was yours also. Thanks a lot.

Dear Ms. Klein:

Thank you for your article of May 19, 1991, regarding Emily Long. I particularly enjoyed your comparison between the teacher’s written comments and Ms. Long’s written comments. At this time, and in this place, the subject is very, very important.

I assume your mailbag is now full of letters reassessing your personal worth. I guess that’s why you earn the big bucks.

Best of luck and thank you.

Yours very truly,

Hank S. Adler,

Irvine

Dear Mr. Adler:

You’re welcome. As to your assumption, it is correct. People assess my personal worth all the time. Some people even assess my grammatical worth (Hi Mom! Ms. Dissil, you still here?), but, unfortunately, I believe you must have me confused with some other Dianne. I don’t know from big bucks. (How’s that for grammar?)

Diane (sic),

Your column about John Peloza was so off . I’ll never read your column again. I think you’re a discredit to the whole media. Are all the articles in your newspaper so blown out of proportion in the wrong direction? You’d better do a little more research and start earning your dollars.

Sincerely,

Mary Ann

(City Unknown)

Mary Ann,

Oh, OK. Thanks, Mary Ann. Although, I must point out that there seems to be an outrageous rumor about my salary floating around. Believe me, it is blown out of proportion in the wrong direction. See Hank above. He predicted you.

Dianne Klein,

I read your article in today’s paper, and you may be an answer to my prayer. I am white, retired, age 71, divorced and living here in the desert with a woman who doesn’t seem to appreciate me. I am a nonsmoker, social drinker, 5 feet 10, 190 pounds, black hair, cleanshaven, and I love to travel.

Would you be so kind as to place this letter in the right channel that would allow me to become a tenant in someone’s home? Of course, I am willing to pay part of the expenses. My “partner” would not be too fat, likes to dine out, likes to travel, age doesn’t matter, loving, nonsmoker, takes pride in her appearance.

Sincerely,

(Name Withheld)

Rancho Mirage

Dear Withheld,

Silly me. I looked at the date of your letter, May 26, and assumed you were talking about the column I wrote championing the cause of Bugsy Szymanek’s 80 pigeons. Therefore, I also assumed you were a real sicko.

Now I realize that in the edition of the paper you picked up, my column about the dating scene in Leisure World appeared on May 26. Therefore, I now assume that you are just a dirty old man. (Hahahaha. Just a little senior humor there).

But seriously. I don’t think I’ll be able to help you. Seems a good percentage of the eligible women in Leisure World aren’t talking to me anymore since I wrote that column. My advice: Try Ann Landers. I hear they pay her big bucks to solve your kind of problem.

Dianne:

You may not deign to read what the competition writes, so you may have missed the enclosed in last Sunday’s Times. It seems that the bovines are still having trouble with hardware disease. It reminded me of our exchange last July.

Some incidental information about bovines and trivia. If a pair of calves are born, one male and one female, the female will never reproduce. The reproductive organs are never fully developed. The only case I know of in the animal kingdom.

Paul K. Justus

Santa Ana

Paul:

Great to hear from you again. Love the bovine trivia. Let’s see, when I heard from you last July, you were only 92, so I assume you’ve grown up since then. As for reading the competition, I deign. Except I didn’t happen to see the Ann Landers column you enclosed.

So thanks for letting me know that there was a cow in Verdon, Neb., named after Ann that came down with hardware disease (caused by overindulging on bailing wire and nails) before being sent off to slaughter.

But is there a connection here, Paul? I don’t think they pay me enough to have a cow named after me. And, uh, you aren’t into voodoo, are you? Because I try to stay away from nails and bailing wire myself.

Dear Dianne Klein,

Thank you for your willingness to see photos of my invention. The uniqueness of the swing is that it just hangs (and swings) from near the end of a shelf. Prior to my metal swings, I made my swings out of wood. Enclosed also is a photo of my original swing that I made around February of 1988. I kept thinking at different times of ways to simplify and improve in the construction of my wooden swings.

I came up with the idea of my latest metal swing in December of last year. They can be made in various sizes and shades. But my favorites are the two you see that seem to be just made for the ever popular Barbie. I sure would like your comments on what I have invented. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Louis Ray,

Dana Point

Dear Louis Ray,

Nice swings. But who’s that with Barbie and what’s that on her head? Maybe you should try Ann Landers. She comments on all sorts of things. And, then again, there’s always Mary Ann. (see above.)

Personal to Gary in Irvine: In reference to your question “Are we talking about being able to correspond on acceptable terms of normalcy here?”

Uh. Phone home, Gary. Phone home.

P.S. Loved the fish watercolor.