Interracial Couples Struggle Against Hostility : Race relations: They meet adverse reactions from friends and family. “We know social pressures are out there, but we don’t let ‘em bother us,” said one husband.

Tyrone and Marykay Bell took the gamble. They knew their children might be ostracized, their neighbors aghast and that strangers would stare.

But they girded themselves. And in 10 years of living all over America as an interracial family, here is what they found:

“There’s racism out there, but races don’t marry--individuals do,” said Marykay Bell, who runs Dallas’ Interracial Family and Social Alliance. “We’re PTA, Cub Scouts, a middle-America kind of life--not Bensonhurst or Harlem.”

Bensonhurst and Harlem are the New York City settings for Spike Lee’s new film “Jungle Fever,” the story of an interracial love affair between a black middle-class architect and his Italian working-class secretary.

Their affair, and its explosive consequences, have stirred much debate about whether interracial love can and should work: Will the races be “diluted,” the children confused, the cultures compromised?

The couples interviewed for this story had much to consider before taking the plunge. They were often wary, and sometimes frightened, but ultimately they said their life decisions were dictated by the simplest, strongest reality.

“As I explained to my family, this is the woman I love, who just happens to be white,” said Frederick Paine, 43, of Augusta, Ga. “What we do is for us--not for what other people judge us by.”

Nearly 2 million Americans apparently had come to similar conclusions and had married someone not of their race as of 1980--triple the number reported in 1970, according to the Census Bureau.

Among the variety of interracial combinations, 211,000 black-white couples were married as of 1990, compared to 166,000 in 1980 and 65,000 in 1970.

Some couples have started a nationwide network of about 20 social-support groups, founded largely so that their biracial children can know one another. Some subscribe to a catalogue featuring cross-cultural books, dolls, art and clothes.

“Whether we like it or not, we’re living in a society that’s becoming by the minute more and more culturally diverse,” said Kenneth Hardy, head of research at Syracuse University’s family therapy program.

“It’s the natural result of people coming together in socially acceptable contexts, like work,” Hardy said. “In the society we live in, separatism is impossible now.”

Still, interracial marriage was illegal in a number of states until the mid-1960s. And many couples find that they still must battle, at least initially, for acceptance among relatives, strangers and friends both black and white.

Myths are out there, and likely will persist.

The same week that Lee’s film came out, several white New York teen-agers were charged with attempted murder after a black high school student was beaten unconscious with a baseball bat. His apparent offense? Talking to a white girl.

And when Cable Guide magazine ran a cover last fall featuring white actress Jamie Lee Curtis in a slightly sexy embrace with black football star Willie Gault, readers protested with hundreds of angry letters and telephone calls.

Editor Jay Gissen said much of the response came from parents who felt the photo would be a bad influence on their children. But he said a number of black women also complained it reinforced the myth that successful black men require white women on their arms.

“The reaction came from everywhere,” Gissen said from New York. “We were floored. This obviously hit a nerve. It’s reflective of a general repulsion . . . this visceral fear. Racism is very much alive.”

Some people may be troubled by the phenomenon labeled “the browning of America.” But the blond standard of beauty has broadened to include ethnic-looking models. Television shows and films feature more diversity on both sides of the camera. The clothes and rap music sold at Midwestern malls are often inspired by inner-city chic.

“I used to be afraid of black people,” said Stephanie Lewie, 44, who has dated interracially. “I was raised just south of Nashville, Tenn. Schools weren’t integrated and all I knew was what I heard.”

But Lewie did not buy the racist stereotypes. She decided instead to make friends within the black community, and joined an interracial church near her home in Jackson, Miss.

“Still, a lot of people having interracial relationships want to hide it,” she said. “They don’t want to do anything that would fly in the face of society. They seem to be saying they’re doing it, but aren’t proud.”

In many parts of the country, and particularly in academic communities, having interracial neighbors is no big deal today. But where such unions are rare or nonexistent, even the most open-minded people may feel a bit thrown.

“It’s still such an infrequent thing that it’s an image that can make people unfortunately feel uncomfortable or uptight,” said David Wolff, half of the Kansas City, Mo.-based teen advice column “Pat and David.”

When a white Texas teen-ager wrote last summer to rail against her parents for objecting to her black boyfriend, an unusual number of responses came in from all over. Some supported the teen-ager’s relationship.

“I am a 19-year-old black female and I was involved in an interracial relationship for three years. We experienced negative reactions from people when we’re out, but not from either our families or friends. Any relationship requires work, whether it be interracial or not,” wrote one reader.

But many took a quite different view, some in letters too harsh for Wolff to reprint.

“Regardless of how much we try, interracial relationships have no sense of belonging. Think of any children you may have--they have no sense of belonging--not even a real heritage,” wrote one relatively temperate reader.

Blacks and whites alike may object when their children or friends marry interracially. Some worry such relationships are based on mutual curiosity or an attraction to forbidden love, something exotic.

“My family didn’t come to my wedding,” said Mary Edwords, 35, a black woman who married her white husband 11 years ago. “They were just adamant against it. My mom said I was going to get hurt and people were going to be angry with me.”

Edwords, who runs the Interracial Club of Buffalo, N.Y., found relatives more accepting after the birth of her two children. Many of those interviewed said they likewise saw their relationship cemented by parenthood.

But what of the children? It is among the first questions that come up when interracial nuptials are announced. Relatives, friends and sometimes the couples themselves worry that biracial children will feel outcast or confused.

“I adopted two (biracial) children who are now 15 and 22, and one son was asking questions from the time he was 2 years old,” said Louise Derman-Sparks, author of “Anti-Bias Curriculum: Tools for Empowering Your Children.”

“I needed some answers as a parent,” she said. “And these children need an identity. They need to hear stories from both parents, both parts of who they are. They need to know they’re not the only ones; they’re not alone.”

Derman-Sparks’ book is among several dozen featured in People of Every Stripe, a Portland, Ore.-based mail-order catalogue aimed at people interested in understanding and promoting cultural diversity.

“We see ourselves as educators,” said Edward Cooper, who runs the business with his wife, Barbara McIntyre, who is white. “Being part of an interracial couple gives us a certain step up on society. We can talk about racism more openly, freely and honestly.”

Married to a white man, Yvette Walker-Hollis is similarly able to offer frank opinion both in her bimonthly journal “New People” and on the job as a reporter with the Detroit News.

“We’re not naive. We know a lot of people still have a problem with interracial relationships,” Walker-Hollis said. “But a lot of people stare not out of hatred but because they’re jealous or curious.”

Said Gregory Logan, half of an interracial couple from Raleigh, N.C.: “You can’t ignore color, because society won’t let you. But when I wake up in the morning, I see my wife--not her color.”

And that, many said, is the bottom line.

“We know social pressures are out there, but we don’t let ‘em bother us,” said Jack Jordan of New Orleans, a black man who married a Latino woman 11 years ago. “We have no choice. We’re in love.”