D r. Jubilate will now hypnotize the...

D r. Jubilate will now hypnotize the assembled members of the Birthday Club, so that we can all finally achieve what humankind has sought for centuries: the ability to remember the actual day that we were born.

Dr. Jubilate?

Thank you. Everyone comfortable? Let’s begin. Your eyelids are growing heavy. Too heavy to keep open. Your mind is clear and alert. A waking sleep. Let your memory drift back, back, back, past the heavy curtain of the unconscious mind. We’ll start with Mr. Jones.

It’s dark, very dark. Nice and warm. Whoa! Here I go. Like being shot out of a cannon. Arms thrown back, naked and slippery. Good Lord, the doctor almost dropped me.

And what are you feeling?

Total surrender.

Good. Miss Bentley?

Whoooeeee! Cold hands, cold hands. Would somebody please cover my tush? And turn down those lights. I’ve got a headache.

And what are you feeling?

Whew. Relief.

Fine, fine. Mr. Conroy?

Watch out, coming through! What a mess. Smells like rubbing alcohol in here. Easy with that towel! Hey, look at me. Some mighty fine lanugo!

And what are you feeling?

Hungry.

Good. Now, Mr. Allison . . . Mr. Allison? You’re about to be born.

Like hell I am.

Come, come. It’s time to begin your life. The world awaits.

The world can kiss my . . .

Mr. Allison! This is highly irregular. You’re already born, but under this hypnotic inducement you are refusing to go through with it all over again.

Hey, if I knew then what I know now, they never would have gotten me out.

But aren’t you at all curious? You have a full life ahead of you. So much learning. So much wonder. The beauty of life’s uncertainties. Every step magical, every path a . . .

Hey, hey, don’t give me that “two roads diverged in yellow wood” routine. I ain’t buying it. There isn’t one good reason to be born. Earth is a cruel planet, one not worth stepping foot on. It’s in real bad shape.

Then work to make it better. Rhapsody in Green needs volunteers to help with restoration of the El Segundo Sand Dunes in Playa del Rey from 9 a.m. to noon today. Call (310) 654-5821.

It is feeling kind of cramped in here.

Then stretch your legs during the seventh annual Marina Breakers 10-K and 5-K Runs and Family Walk, being held beginning at 8 a.m. today. The event will start at 114 Washington St., Marina del Rey. Registration fee is $22. Call (310) 828-4123.

Or you can attend UCLA’s second annual Mexican Book Fair, “Exposicion del Libro Mexicano, 1991,” 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. today through Wednesday at the Wight Art Gallery Plaza. Admission is free. Call (310) 825-2642.

Lo siento, pero no se leer en espanol.

Then let screenwriter and raconteur Charles Bennett tell you a story or two from 1 to 3 p.m. Saturday at 72 Market Street, Venice. Admission is $30, $15 students. Call (310) 392-8763.

OK, Doc, you sold me on it. Here goes. Hmmm-hmm-hmm. This kinda reminds me of the water slide at some amusement park. Look out . . . Oooo, the pressure. Congratulations.

I’m a boy.