And Now! A Really Great Column!!!!

It’s been happening so long that you’d think news prostitution was TV’s oldest profession.

In any case, unethical cross-promotions have been exploding during the November ratings sweeps as rarely before, with chauvinistic network and local news programs incestuously creating artificial stories that tie in with and sell entertainment programs. And in doing so, they use these entertainment programs to sell themselves.

Tuesday was classic:

Barbara Walters was interviewed on ABC’s “Good Morning America” about her interview special that night on ABC. Within the hour, Walters was also selling her program on “Regis & Kathie Lee,” the New York-based talk show now appearing on KABC Channel 7 in Los Angeles, whose “Eyewitness News” ran an interview with Walters (“How do you get them to open up, Barbara? What is your secret?”) before her special and a heavily promoted story about her special after her special. “Eyewitness News” also had an “exclusive” interview with both Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford on their set. In a shocking disclosure, Kathie Lee revealed about Regis: “I just love him.”

Meanwhile, KNBC Channel 4 critic David Sheehan continued his “exclusive” multipart series on the cast of the NBC soap opera “Days of Our Lives,” and KCBS Channel 2, following the CBS movie “Posing: Inspired by Three Real Stories,” ran its own heavily promoted “exclusive” story about “the real women who pose for Playboy,” while ignoring that evening’s biggest genuine story, a dramatic upset in Pennsylvania’s special election for a U.S. Senate seat.

Then on Wednesday, “Good Morning America” interviewed the star of ABC’s Sunday-night movie (“and Judith Light joins us from Los Angeles”), “Eyewitness News” continued to promote the Donna Mills miniseries “False Arrest” and itself with stories before and after the final episode, KNBC followed “Quantum Leap” with its own heavily advertised story about the episode and KCBS promoted its “exclusive” interview tonight with Carol Burnett that precedes “The Carol Burnett Show” on CBS. Meanwhile, KCAL Channel 9 found room for a feature about its new daytime talk show, “Cristina & Friends.”

And Thursday, “CBS This Morning” co-anchor Harry Smith scored an amazing scoop with his “exclusive” chat with Michele Lee, star of that night’s “Knots Landing” on CBS and a movie airing Sunday on CBS. “It’s great, it’s meaningful,” Smith said. And if it weren’t, of course he’d let us know.

Cross-promotions used to bother me, but I now realize that I’ve been mistaken. They’re a public service, and I strongly urge newspapers to follow my lead and jump on this informational bandwagon.

So, welcome to my cross-promotion.

First of all, I want to thank me for writing this splendid column. I couldn’t have done it without me.

Oh, please, I’m too kind.

No, no, I deserve it.

Well, thank me again.

Don’t mention it, I’m welcome.

Moving right along, coming up next is a paragraph about the paragraph that follows it.

Read the next paragraph. It’s really quite wonderful.

And Kenneth Turan joins me from Los Angeles. Welcome to my column, Kenny. I know you’re excited about your review of “La Belle Noiseuse” that appears near my own fantastic column in today’s Calendar section.

“Yes. I did a good job. It was succinct and to the point.”

Thank you, Kenny. And thank me for inviting you to be in my splendid column for this exclusive interview.

The beautifully written paragraph you are now reading advertises the next paragraph.

And Kevin Thomas, always one of my favorites, joins me from Los Angeles. Good to have you in the column, Kevin. I know you’re just thrilled about your review of “In MacArthur Park” that lights up page F14.

“Yes, it’s wonderful. I did a noble job of calling attention to a young talent and of looking past the Hollywood tinsel to cover a gem by a struggling filmmaker.”

And I’m proud to say that readers of the Los Angeles Times won’t read the words you’ve just spoken in the columns of Jack Smith, Liz Smith or Rick Du Brow. Nor in the horoscope column or Art Buchwald. They’re exclusive to me, and thank me for it.

Now, Kevin, you have something else in today’s Calendar, don’t you?

“Yes, an in-depth sidebar on France’s veteran character star, Michel Piccoli.”

Ah, yes, one of the stars of the film so exquisitely reviewed by Kenneth Turan. Now, Kevin, here’s one more question, and I want you to consider it very carefully before answering. How would you rate your work?

“Sterling.”

Oh, my! Kevin Thomas, controversial as always, and thank us both for this remarkable interview. I’ll be right back after this message.

Read me! I’m terrific!

Oh, please. I’m blushing. Anyway, you just have to peruse the next paragraph.

“I thought my questions were brilliant, insightful and consummately professional, yet tactful.”

Yes, joining me from Los Angeles is Jan Breslauer, whose astonishing interview with performance artist Karen Finley helps bring distinction to page F1.

Your candid opinion of this story, Jan? Truthfully, now.

“It’s probably one of the best pieces ever written about naked women with chocolate on their bodies.”

Oh, boy! Jan, thanks for dropping by for these four paragraphs. Jan Breslauer, everyone!

And now, a real treat. Say hello to Daniel Cerone.

Hey, Daniel, my man! Your profile of actor Corin Nemic, who I’m sure loves my column, is scheduled to run in Saturday’s extraordinary Calendar section. What about that piece?

“I did a good job.”

How did you get him to open up? With your usual superb interviewing techniques?

“Yes, I would agree with that.”

Yoweee! I know I’ll be reading that piece when it appears.

Well, I see that I’ve just about exhausted my 25 inches. Before signing off, I want to thank Kenny, Kevin, Jan and Daniel for taking time out from their busy schedules to praise themselves.

They’re my friends, but even more than that, gosh darn it, they’re my fans. And who can blame them?

As for my Monday column, I don’t want to ruin the suspense. So I’ll say only this: It’s great, it’s meaningful.