Even in Milan, Italy, when people speak...

Even in Milan, Italy, when people speak of L.A. they use terms such as persona stramba, ingorgo, sceneggiatura and che si espande disordinatamente.

You know: weirdo, traffic jam, screenplay and sprawling.

Those words crop up in a recent story on L.A. in Speak Up, a popular Milan magazine whose articles double as exercises designed to teach its readers English.

The L.A. piece, subtitled, “Why It’s So Bizarre,” includes interviews with Tracy Parsons of Critter Caterers in Beverly Hills, Billy Shire of the Wacko store on Melrose Avenue, and last--and least--your Only in L.A. correspondent.

Author Mark Worden was attracted to such L.A. features as wedding dresses for pooches, the Oddballs Olympics, macabre religious artifacts, a man who sells Beverly Hills trash, tours of the stars’ graves and new-age lasagna.

No doubt more than one Milanese concluded that L.A. was piuttosto

furoi di testa.

Pretty far out .

List of the Day:

The next time you have to explain L.A. to an Italian, here are some other terms Speak Up uses to define the city:

1--Crank-- pazzo, eccentrico.

2--Freeway-- autostrada.

3--To rollerskate-- pattinare su rotelle.

4--Snake-- serpente.

5--Wrapped around his neck-- avvolto attorno al collo.

In case you’re wondering, Nos. 3-5 described a man seen in Venice.

Our Venice.

List of the Day II:

We’re also happy to report that Southern California was not forgotten in Esquire magazine’s latest list of Dubious Achievement Awards.

Among the honorees were:

1--Jon Erik Beckjord, director of the Crypto-Phenomena Museum in Malibu, who spotted a volcanic formation on Mars that resembles Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Earth).

2--Miramax Films in L.A., which attributed difficulties in placing ads as the reason for changing the name of its movie, “The Pope Must Die,” to “The Pope Must Diet.”

3--The Body Wonder-Full exhibit at the Children’s Museum at La Habra, whose exhibits included “a crawl-through colon.”

4--And, in its oldies section, the 1976 marriage of an L.A. secretary to a 50-pound rock in Lafayette Park.

While it was apparently too late for publication for Esquire, we might add that Beckjord has told us that he’s also found craters resembling Tammy Faye Bakker’s eyelashes and Saddam Hussein’s eyes and nose.

Remember the recent story about the Cerritos store that sold some wrapping paper allegedly decorated with Satanic symbols? That variety was subsequently removed from the store’s shelves.

Anyway, Byron Woertz of Claremont writes that he previously heard stories that, in the Canadian dollar bill, “with a little imagination, one can see the devil whispering in the ear of Queen Elizabeth.”

Whispering what? Trade Gretzky to the Kings?

And, before we close, Happy New Year to you, too, 10-month-old Shannen Lee Riede of Torrance, our youngest reader. And to 1991, naturally, we say ciao.

miscelLAny:

Beach Blanket Fungi: A private telephone surf report known as Surf Line recently added another feature to its daily recorded messages on Southern California’s waves--bacteria levels at surfing hot spots.