We tried the Vulcan mind meld on...

We tried the Vulcan mind meld on our wife the other night while she slept, following Mr. Spock’s methods, leaving nothing to chance.

Lightly pressing our fingertips on her forehead and temple, we told her this: “Your thoughts are our thoughts. Can you hear us?”

She nodded slightly.

“Oh, what a good husband you have,” we said. “What a good, good man. Such a person should be spoiled. Indulged. Get the picture?”

Small nod again.

“OK, here’s what we want, beginning tomorrow . . .”

The next morning we let her sleep-in a bit, knowing she was going to be busy the entire day, maybe the entire year, waiting on us hand and foot. The poor woman was certainly going to need her energy.

So we sipped some coffee, read the paper and waited.

We imagined how the day would go. She’d wake up and immediately suggest that we take off with some of our best buddies on a trip to Las Vegas sometime this week. Rent a Lincoln Continental for the drive.

“Why not stay a coupla days?” she’d tell us.

Hey, why not?

And she would hand us the 450 bucks she was planning on sending to her worthless, unemployed brother back in Michigan, telling us: “Oh heck, sweetie, you just take this and blow it all. Have a good time.”

That’s just the beginning.

Then there’s the back rubs.

We planned on getting lots of back rubs, so many that we’d have to hang a sign outside the door that said “House o’ Rubs.”

Cocktails were to be served at 4:30, dinner an hour later. And we never, never, never wanted to hear the word cholesterol again.

Ah, she stirs. Come to papa.

“Honey,” she says in that sweetly sleepy way, “I’ve been thinking, you need to get out on your own more. Get away a bit . . .”

(Spock, you genius. Should we go with the red Continental or the white?)

” . . . so why not attend Kenneth Atchity’s talk on ‘Hemingway: Dialogue as Action’ at 7 p.m. Wednesday at the Beverly Hills Library, 444 N. Rexford Drive. Admission is free. Call (213) 932-0321 for information.”

“Wait a minute,” she says. You love to gamble . . .”

Bingo.

”. . . so why not gamble on a seat being available for author Geoffrey Hill’s lecture on ‘Movies as Therapy,’ being held at 10 a.m. Saturday in the Community Room at the Westside Pavilion. Admission is free. Call (310) 271-7779.”

She sees now how we’re getting a bit teary eyed. Such opportunity is all so unexpected, she says, and we have to agree.

“I’ve saved the best for last,” she adds. “Comedian Carol Burnett will narrate Camille Saint-Saens’ ‘Carnival of the Animals’ in a benefit for the Make-a-Wish Foundation. It’s being held at 6 p.m. Friday at St. Matthew’s Church, 1031 Bienveneda Ave., Pacific Palisades. Tickets are $250 for preferred seating or $50 for open seating. For information call (310) 454-1358.”

“I know, I know,” she says. “Admission is a bit stiff. But I can give you some of that money I was going to send to my brother.

“Did I tell you he was coming out for a visit?”