MAKING IT WORK : Survivors’ Mates Also Need to Be Partners in Therapy

Partners of sexual abuse survivors are more likely to be supportive if they are involved in the healing process, says M.K. Gustinella, a marriage, family and child counselor who practices in Irvine and Laguna Beach.

She suggests partners join a support group, be ready to participate in the survivor’s therapy when asked and perhaps even seek counseling for themselves.

“This can be an opportunity for the partner to grow, too,” she says.

Gustinella, who specializes in counseling adult survivors of sexual abuse, also offers the following suggestions for partners:

* Don’t take rejection personally. Remember that the survivor is working through a lot of anger and fear that has nothing to do with you.

* Be prepared to abstain from sex if necessary, but remember that this doesn’t have to be permanent. Make the most of whatever level of intimacy you can both enjoy, even if it’s just holding hands. And always make sure touch is welcome before making an advance.

* Continue your own leisure activities and social life. And find a trusted friend or relative with whom you can talk openly about what you are going through (but disclose only what the survivor gives you permission to tell).

* Learn all you can about the dynamics of sexual abuse so you will understand what the survivor is feeling and what it will take to recover.

* Don’t try to hide what is going on from your children. Be tactful but truthful.