Retroball Rolls Into NFL Camps

The ‘70s were the Tampa Bay Buccaneers of decades. They gave us Watergate, John Travolta, the Bee Gees, leisure suits, Hamburger Helper, “Billy Jack,” Debby Boone, “Having My Baby,” Earth Shoes, mood rings, “Charlie’s Angels,” Tony Orlando, Dawn, England Dan, John Ford Coley, pet rocks, soft rock and “Muskrat Love.”

They gave us the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

And . . . (note to parents: the following three words have been rated PG-13) . . . they are back.

Have you flipped through the sports section of your newspaper lately?

Chuck Knox is coaching the Rams.

Ted Marchibroda is coaching the Colts.

Bill Walsh is coaching at Stanford.

Larry Holmes is a contender for the heavyweight title.

George Foreman is a contender for the heavyweight title.

Julius Erving is getting set to drive against Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

The date atop your newspaper says 1992, but your newspaper lies.

Welcome to 1977.

It has been said that the sure sign of a culture in decline is when that culture, bereft of new ideas and inspiration, turns around to recycle its past. It is happening all around us--in politics (Jerry Brown has a career again), in pop music (Aerosmith has a career again), in the movies (Travolta has a career again). The ‘90s have been the best thing ever to happen to the ‘70s, and it was simply a matter of time until the seepage reached the sports sector.

The Rams are 8-24 in the ‘90s, so they turned to Knox, who was 57-20-1 with the Rams in the ‘70s.

The Colts are 8-24 in the ‘90s--1-15 in 1991--so they turned to Marchibroda, who was 31-11 during his first three seasons with the Colts in the ‘70s.

Stanford finally had a good season in 1991, finally made a bowl game, but all that got the Cardinal was a better job offer for its head coach. Dennis Green jumped as soon as the Minnesota Vikings said hello, so the Cardinal had nowhere to turn except its legend from the ‘70s, Genius Emeritus Walsh, who also happened to be in the market for some reconstituted glory, having become stale and all too fallible inside the broadcasters booth.

This is patchwork, requiring minimal homework. What worked then has to be able to work again. The present is lousy, the future is uncertain, but the past is as comfortable as a rocking chair, so let’s rob that rocking chair while we can.

Boxing has taken the idea a bit more literally than the rest, but then, boxing has been hit on the head a few too many times, most recently by a jury in Indianapolis. Mike Tyson, the most formidable name in the game, has been stripped from the marquee and shipped to the holding cell. Found guilty of rape, Tyson awaits sentencing next month and boxing has barely been able to cope.

What about the future of the heavyweight division?

What about some competition for Evander Holyfield?

How about George Foreman and Larry Holmes? They’re both in their 40s, but they’re still standing and somewhat coherent. Holmes even won a fight last week.

This is how a pay-per-view heavyweight boxing card is assembled in 1992. Foreman-Holmes is coming, to a cable outlet near you. You know them, you love them. Relive the excitement--for a $19.95 hook-up charge.

Exhuming-the-’70s, as a sports movement, was first founded last year and was distinguished by the fact that it was largely unwanted.

Bjorn Borg came back to the professional tennis tour, albeit poorly.

Jim Palmer came back to the Baltimore Orioles, albeit briefly.

Mark Spitz came back to competitive swimming, albeit slowly.

It was enforced nostalgia, false nostalgia. This time, the desperation was reversed--Spitz and Palmer needed the ego stroke, Borg needed the money--and the sporting establishment agreed to go along only until it became bored.

Average attention span per comeback: 2 1/2 weeks.

The upcoming Kareem-vs.-Dr. J one-on-one exhibition would fit into the same category, except that it’s for charity and it’s a one-time shot. Still, the pitch is: Remember when. Remember when Dr. J was the Air Michael of his era? Remember when Kareem could throw down skyhooks from anywhere in the front court? Remember when Kareem could still move?

But in Anaheim and Indianapolis, they are remembering when the Rams and the Colts were good. Knox was there when the Rams reached the NFC championship game in 1974, 1975 and 1976. Marchibroda was there when the Colts reached the AFC playoffs in 1975, 1976 and 1977. Now Knox and Marchibroda are back; the good times are certain to follow?

It pays to read the small print. Yes, Knox and Marchibroda are back--but, no, Lawrence McCutcheon, Jack Youngblood, Jack Reynolds, Bert Jones, Lydell Mitchell and Raymond Chester aren’t with them. Could be a problem.

Hereafter, the Rams and Colts will be watched very closely. Back to the ‘70s--it’s a dangerous proposition. If Knox and Marchibroda succeed and others copy, who can gauge the potential damage? Modern-day society could be brought to a standstill.

If Retroball is going to be the game, ground rules are needed. And the first one is this:

Old coaches and old boxers are OK.

But “Kung Fu Fighting” has to stay.