Suggestions on Ice, if You Please

I was so pleased for our figure skaters Saturday night.

I was pleased for Paul Wylie, an iceman and nice man who put his Harvard education to good use. Paul outsmarted the opposition, figuring out that the judges were searching for at least one person in the Olympics who could skate without falling.

I also was pleased for Christopher Bowman, the California actor-comedian whose first act upon leaving the ice was to put on an Angels’ baseball cap. I heard later today they will be naming him executive vice president in charge of player personnel.

And, I was equally pleased for Todd Eldredge, although somebody should tip off Todd that those clothes have got to go, man. I mean, maybe Brian Boitano brought it off, but haven’t we seen enough of those gold-brocaded drum-major outfits that make guys look like Michael Jackson playing Professor Harold Hill?

Ways to improve figure skating.

Let’s talk about this.

THE COSTUMES

Personally, I prefer what Bowman wore, which was sort of a Prince Goes to Victoria’s Secret number. It was black, it was ruffled, it was chic and the only thing funny about it was the thought of how it would look on your average sportswriter.

Alexei Urmanov had on something that, I’m not positive but pretty sure, was his bowling shirt from the Thursday Night Fixed-Income Couples league down at Moscow Lanes. I kept checking to see if “Alexei” was stitched above the pocket.

There was a lot of basic black, though no pearls. Elvis Stojko of Canada missed his big chance by not wearing a white jumpsuit, open to the waist, particularly since CBS is the network that traditionally refuses to show Elvis from the waist down.

My suggestions?

First, lose the pants. Nobody makes the women skaters wear pants.

Second, if that doesn’t work, lose the shirt. Where is it written that men can’t skate bare-chested? Flex those pecs. Frankly, the only potential problem I see here is frostbite.

Third, those Madonna outfits have potential, particularly for the women.

Finally, tighter pants.

A split seam could be embarrassing, but think of the sympathy vote from the judges.

THE MUSIC

In 1988, Katarina Witt and Debi Thomas each skated to the same version of “Carmen.” Now, this is just me, but I don’t happen to believe that when “Carmen” was written, the composer put down his quill and said: “Now there’s something you can skate to!”

What a drag it was Saturday to see Christopher Bowman skating to Paganini or Pignatano or Pagliarulo or whatever that was. Here he is, one truly hip dude, and what does he skate to? Classical music. Chris Bowman should skate to rap. I’d like to have seen the expression on that Czech judge’s face when Chris started doing triple lutzes to Ice-T.

Some Russian skated to music from James Bond films. I remember when the Russians hated James Bond, because he was always shooting them with trick cigarette lighters and cuff links.

Sunday night, at least a dozen ice-dance couples here skated to polkas. Except, I think, the Polish ice dancers, who skated their 4 1/2-minute routine to the Minute Waltz.

My suggestions?

First, pump up the volume. Louder is better.

Second, if you absolutely have to use classical music, use some of the newer songs and not that old stuff.

Third, play a musical instrument while skating. It’s sort of a Miss America pageant talent-portion thing, but let’s give it a try.

Finally, no music.

Skate a capella. You can wear a Walkman if it helps any.

THE MOVES

As the spins become increasingly difficult, we are seeing the spinners getting increasingly clumsy. The pairs competition here turned into Chevy Chase On Ice. The men’s freestyle program had more spills than Exxon.

Those weren’t triple lutzes. They were triple klutzes. Personally, I still can’t tell the difference between a Salchow and a Sopwith Camel. I’m not even sure why, when they do those spins, they don’t bore down into the ice and disappear, like in the cartoons.

Humor is always important, so crash out the gate into the stands if you can. Midori Ito from Japan did it once, unintentionally, but I’ve advised her to haul it back out for the Olympics.

My suggestions?

First, work the falls into the act. Pretend it’s part of the show.

Second, juggle three oranges. This is something we can all understand.

Third, keep spinning for the entire 4 1/2 minutes. You risk not being able to find your seat afterward, or spending the rest of your career being known as Dizzy Boitano, but it’s an idea.

Finally, get Michael Jordan on the phone.

If Herschel Walker can bobsled, Jordan can ice skate. I mean, we’re talking quintuple axels here.