There’s Still a Drought of Logic, Rain or Shine

I was in a festive mood, making my way home in yet another downpour. I was counting on a long hot shower moments after I walked in the door, perhaps followed by a celebratory round of toilet flushing: upstairs, downstairs, upstairs, down . . .

And then I hear the guy on the car radio, raining on my parade.

Southern California will need at least 10 more storms like this one before we even make a dent in our deficit, the man says.

Permit me to translate from the Bureaucratese. In other words, what this guy is saying is that this rain, this deluge , this worst-in-the-century storm that you’ve heard the television Pollyannas prattling on about: It doesn’t mean squat.

The drought lives.

Well. It is the nature of my business to be skeptical. Remember the Pentagon Papers, Watergate, the discovery of profligate waste and mismanagement at the highest levels of our government.

Not that I have had anything personally to do with any of the above, but still, you hear things. . . .

But let’s just say that I do know enough to come in out of the rain. And I have been staying indoors a lot.

True, the public might believe anything, but this drought business is a real stretch. What the water types need now is some professional spin, some big-time P.R.

OK, I’ll help out.

Herewith some suggested official responses to selected questions that the public is bound to ask.

Question: “Why should I spend good money to install all these low-flow water-saving devices when the flood waters are carrying everybody else’s wastes straight to the ocean? That sounds cheaper to me.”

Response: “A drought, like life, can at times be unfair. Or so it seems. But I’m here to tell you that the money you spend on water conservation in your home is money well spent.

“At this very moment, your local water authority is working on a plan to even things out. Remember, what goes around comes around. Using the latest scientific technology, we will soon be able to match these scofflaws with the wastes that they give off. Then they will be sorry.”

Question: “I try to do my part. I have never once watered my lawn on a day not assigned to me. I have filled in our swimming pool and since my family moved out, I have lengthened the time between my showers from one to two weeks. I no longer wash my hair.

“My problem: What with all this rain lately, my yard has become an estuary. I’m afraid I recognize several endangered species. What should I do? I am a Republican.”

Response: “I appreciate your concern. This is a delicate question, which goes to the root of the balance that your local water authority strives to maintain with Mother Nature. What kinds of endangered species are you talking about? Remember, in Orange County it is still not against the law to harbor a Democrat, although we are working on that.

“As to the question of the estuary itself: Don’t worry. These things have a way of taking care of themselves. What is your address? I am sure a new development is coming to your area soon.”

Question: “When are my water rates going down?”

Response: “Please, (sir/madame), open your eyes. The Cold War is over. We won. The American model is being replicated throughout the Eastern Bloc, where basic goods now cost the equivalent of a month’s salary for the average worker.

“So, take heart and be proud. America is still setting an example for the rest of the world. Your water rates will never go down.”

Question: “I have always been active in community affairs. I have especially enjoyed phoning the hot lines that allow citizens to inform authorities about those who do not take their water conservation duties seriously.

“But now that I’ve got my feet wet--ha ha! pun intended--I hope the hot lines can be kept active. Since the drought is over, maybe you can establish some hot lines for other equally important community issues. My neighbor, for example, has never once trimmed the hedge in front of his house.”

Response: “First let me take this opportunity to thank you for your active participation in the affairs of your community. As you know, that is what democracy is all about.

“I am sure that your neighbors (and thanks for supplying their Social Security numbers!) are equally happy about your vigilance on behalf of the good of the community. Unless, of course, they have something personally against J. Edgar Hoover, in which case, they are already in our files. . . .

“As to your question about the hot lines, there seems to be a misunderstanding. The drought hot lines are still open! Unfortunately, because of a temporary accumulation of moisture in the phone cables, their usefulness as a means of communication has been somewhat limited as of late.

“But I can assure you that the timely repair of the hot lines is of the utmost importance to your local water authority. Absolutely nothing can be more important to us than the accurate dissemination of information to the community. Why, at this very moment, we are working on a new slogan to get the word out. So far, the front runners around the office are, “The Drought: You Can Count on It,” and “Rain, Rain Goes Away but the Drought, Baby, It’s Here to Stay.”

“Please feel free to offer any suggestions. Soon, I promise, our lines will be open. We’ll be waiting for your calls.”