Waiting List for Big Brother Grows Painfully Long

If Kevin, a Laguna Niguel third-grader whose parents are divorced, could place an advertisement in his local newspaper, it would read something like this:

“Wanted: ‘Big brother’ to do fun stuff with 9-year-old boy who hardly ever gets to see his dad. Must like baseball, video games, remote-control cars and pizza. Hurry. I’m bored.”

Kevin is also discouraged, because he’s been waiting for more than two years for Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Orange County to find a match for him. He’s one of 235 boys ages 6 through 17 whose names are on the longest waiting list the 34-year-old organization has ever had.

Most of those boys are being raised by single moms and have little or no contact with their fathers. But they’re not looking for substitute dads. They just want a friend with whom they can share their interests and talk man-to-man when the need arises.

Kevin and the other boys on the waiting list have a hard time understanding why it’s taking so long to find big brothers for them. And those who do the searching worry that the longer it takes, the more likely the boys are to feel unwanted.

That concern has prompted Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Orange County to launch an aggressive campaign to attract more volunteers to serve as positive male role models. (There is a surplus of big sister volunteers because demand is low. Eventually, that situation will be the focus of a campaign to attract girls being raised by single moms or dads, spokeswoman Lauren Medley noted.)

The organization has asked its most persuasive advocates--the big brother volunteers who’ve seen firsthand what the program can do for boys--to lead the recruitment effort. Their goal is to find matches for at least 150 boys by July 4, Medley said.

The campaign began last week at Anaheim Stadium, where third-baseman Gary Gaetti, the 1992 honorary chairman for Big Brothers/Big Sisters, briefly addressed a group of about 50 prospective volunteers who had been invited to watch the Angels practice before the program recruiters made their pitch.

“Investing in people’s lives is the most important thing we can do,” said Gaetti, who took time to sign balls for several young fans who are hoping the player’s support will help them get big brothers soon.

Gaetti’s message was reinforced later in the evening, when those who had watched the pre-opening game practice reconvened at a restaurant near the stadium.

“If these boys don’t get the right mentor in these influential years, they may go down the wrong path in life,” cautioned Robert Friedman, a real estate executive who serves on the board of Big Brothers/Big Sisters’ local chapter.

The nationwide nonprofit organization was created to fight the high rate of juvenile delinquency among children from single-parent homes, Friedman told the potential recruits.

“Self-esteem is one of the most important things we, as mentors, can give them,” he said. “We either pay them a little love and attention now, or pay a lot for their lost potential and perhaps even their outright destructiveness later.”

Volunteers are asked to spend a few hours every week with their little brothers, and they are expected to make a one-year commitment. However, Medley said, many matches last well beyond a year, and some turn into lifelong friendships.

Ken Teague, a consultant in the computer industry who has been taking Bobby, now 15, on weekly outings for nearly five years, told the group that becoming a big brother isn’t just a matter of signing up. You have to apply--and not everyone is accepted.

The four- to six-week screening process is designed to produce compatible, stable matches and “to make sure applicants will be a positive influence on boys’ lives,” Teague said.

To apply, you must be 20 or older. You must have lived in Orange County for a minimum of six months and have held your current job for at least three months. If you meet those criteria, you’re ready for the screening process, which includes two interviews, three reference checks, three psychological tests, a Department of Motor Vehicles check, proof of insurance and fingerprinting. The program’s professional counseling staff and an outside psychologist are among those on the committee that makes the final decision. (For more information on what they’re looking for, call (714) 544-7773.)

Medley said 40% of the applicants are rejected, often because they’ve just been through major career or personal changes that might make it difficult to focus on the needs of a child. Those who do make it through the screening process--and pass muster when they meet the boy with whom they’ve been matched--usually feel it was well worth the effort, according to Teague.

“It’s satisfying, and it’s fun--you get to be a kid again,” he said.

One of the biggest payoffs for big brothers is seeing how much impact they can have on the boys’ lives, even though they may spend only a few hours a week with them.

Teague explained: “When I met Bobby, he was a very sad child with low self-esteem. He did poorly in school. He was a loner. Now he’s doing well in school, and he has a circle of friends. He’s a very energetic boy with a good self-image.”

Rod Garrett, the current Big Brother of the Year, said he’s also seen big changes in the boy with whom he has been friends for the past three years. Jesse, a high school freshman who sees his father once or twice a year, was getting Fs in school when he met Garrett. He was also extremely shy.

No longer. Garrett--who wanted to work with young people because “they don’t understand why life can sometimes deal them a bad hand”--said proudly: “Jesse has come out of his shell. He’s on the wrestling team. And he’s getting Cs and Bs in school.”

No one is in a better position to see what big brothers have to offer than the single moms who seek their help.

Patti Pollock--the mother of the Laguna Niguel third-grader named Kevin--told prospective volunteers that the self-esteem of her older son, Joey, 13, has risen “dramatically” since a big brother was found for him about a year ago. But, she said, the long wait for a match has been hard on Kevin, who keeps asking, “Don’t they have someone who’s interested in me?”

During an interview at Anaheim Stadium, while her sons took in the action on the field, Pollock talked about what the big brother program has done for Joey--and what she hopes it will soon do for Kevin too.

Pollock, a single mother who works full time, said she sought help from the big brother program because her ex-husband lives in Texas and sees the boys only twice a year.

After a year of waiting, Joey was matched up with just the kind of man Pollock had been hoping her son would have a chance to get close to--Jerry Stenger, 26, of Mission Viejo.

Stenger said he volunteered because he remembers how much he was helped by a man who befriended him when he was growing up in a single-parent home (his father left when he was 2 months old).

“I thought it should be my turn to help,” said Stenger, who is a deputy with the Orange County Sheriff’s Department.

He said that what he most wants to offer Joey is “someone he can depend on.”

According to Pollock, who was divorced four years ago, Stenger has provided that and much more. She said she was beginning to see signs of a violent temper in Joey at the time Stenger came into his life. The boy has since calmed down, she said, and has even stopped picking on his little brother.

Stenger goes to most of Joey’s baseball games, takes him out on weekends and talks to him by phone during the week (Joey has memorized his big brother’s home and pager numbers).

Pollock said Joey gets “complete, undivided attention” from his big brother. Stenger has been a teacher as well as a friend, she said. For example, Stenger has taught Joey rules of etiquette that, according to his mother, will serve him well when he starts dating. Stenger also has given Joey skiing lessons.

“When I took him, it was a disaster--all Joey did was complain about being cold,” Pollock said. But with Stenger--who spent a whole day on the bunny slopes with Joey--the boy concentrated on skiing.

“Jerry is teaching Joey how to persevere at something,” Pollock said.

Sometimes, instead of taking Joey out, Stenger brings over his tools and shows him how to help his mom by making repairs around the house. Joey has discovered that he likes fixing things. He built a toolbox in wood shop, and now he spends his allowance on tools instead of videos and candy, Pollock said.

Joey said he enjoys having a big brother because “we do fun stuff together.” And, he adds, flashing a smile at Pollock, “I’m not stuck with my mom all day.”

Kevin tries not to show it, but he’s envious. He said he wants a big brother because “I get bored--and I like what Jerry does with Joey.”

“The one-on-one, man-to-man relationship that every boy craves is missing in Kevin’s life,” Pollock said. “When Joey has problems and he feels his mom can’t relate, he can go to Jerry. I want Kevin to have that, too.”