For Once, They’re Not Outta Here

The Clippers called to say: “Hi. We’re making our postseason plans.”

“Good,” I said. “Hunting? Fishing?”

“No, we’re in the playoffs!”

It was like hearing about Jerry Lewis doing Hamlet.

“You’re kidding,” I said.

“No.”

“Get outta here.”

“What?”

“You made the playoffs?”

“Yes.”

“Man,” I said, “those hockey playoffs include everybody, don’t they?”

“No, we made the basketball playoffs.”

“Get outta here,” I said.

Stop saying that, the Clippers said.

I apologized. It’s simply that some things are difficult to picture, like Leona Helmsley scrubbing floors.

The Clippers in the playoffs. What a country.

America, land of opportunity. Only in America can a poor, young, hungry bunch of Clippers rise from oppression to become contenders. Somebody finally gave them a round-trip ticket to and from Palookaville.

The Clippers tried reminding me that I was the one last November who dared call them superior to the Lakers and the equals of anybody in the NBA’s Eastern Conference other than the Chicago Bulls.

“Get outta here,” I said.

“No, you actually wrote that,” the Clippers said. “You really stuck your neck out.”

“I stick my neck out for nobody.” Truth to tell, the Clippers’ winning 45 games didn’t surprise me a bit.

What did surprise me was the Lakers. I thought the Lakers would win 25.

That’s why I think Mike Dunleavy should be voted, hands down, the NBA’s coach of the year. Matter of fact, for what Dunleavy has done with this quilt-work team, I’m thinking of writing in him instead of Ross Perot in the California primary.

One of the most ridiculous letters I have ever read was published in my newspaper the other day, critical of the Lakers for not making a better effort. Un-bloody-believable.

Yeah, I guess all they lost this season was Magic Johnson, James Worthy, Sam Perkins and Vlade Divac. That dumb Dunleavy; how could he not win 50 or 60 games? Or even 70?

Do you know how long it took the Clippers to win as many games in one season as the Lakers did this season with about half a team?

The Clippers were so dead in the water, they thought about offering their coaching job to Dennis Conner.

Blessedly, they hired Larry Brown instead.

Finally in good shape physically, the Clippers had to worry about their mental health. Mike Schuler understood basketball from a technical standpoint, but didn’t seem to inspire his players. And this was a team that desperately needed to believe in itself.

Since Brown took charge, the Clippers have become a team that acts like a winner. You can tell, these guys no longer are distracted during the last two minutes by how they will blow the game. They think they will win.

And if you don’t think that’s important, all you have to do is look at the Lakers. From first day to last, the Lakers played with enough confidence for about 82 self-help cassettes.

They had no call to be confident; if ever a franchise was in disarray, this was the one. If ever a franchise was entitled to take a year off, pop a couple of Ping-Pong balls into the NBA lottery hopper, this was the one.

The Lakers never quit. Never. They played with Earvin Johnson’s enthusiasm, even though they played without Earvin. The Lakers were like billionaires who were wiped out in the stock market. They were busted, but they still carried themselves like somebody about to be interviewed by Robin Leach.

While I have been hoping the Lakers would stumble their way into Shaquille O’Neal or Alonzo Mourning or Jim Jackson--frankly, I think Christian Laettner would interest the fans more than he would help the team--A.C. Green, Sedale Threatt, Elden Campbell and the others have been busting their humps, shooting for the playoffs.

Not making enough of an effort? Somebody should throw a parade for this team.

As for the Clipper chances, well, few people east of Nevada will give these guys much chance to beat the Utah Jazz. But I do. They are good enough; they need only to believe that. Get a split in Salt Lake; win all the games at home. That’s all it takes. They can do it.

Danny Manning isn’t a player; he’s a force. He and Brown turned Kansas into the king of college basketball; they don’t take defeat for granted the way the Clippers once did. James Edwards and Doc Rivers were such perfect additions, it was like they were contracted and installed by Bob Vila. Ron Harper is the best ballhandler I’ve seen since Wesley Snipes. And Gary Grant is a valuable player, although he is looking kind of skinny, like, I don’t know, like he’s lost weight from head to toe.

The Clippers in the playoffs?

The Clippers advancing in the playoffs?

“I think you can make it to the conference finals,” I told them.

“Get outta here,” the Clippers said.

“Stop saying that,” I said.