Dads Struggle for Chance to Raise Their Kids
Upstairs, in the private dining room of the Sizzler, the weekly “Fathers and Custody” class is just getting started.
One by one, the men state their names and the amount of money they’ve spent so far on divorce and custody battles.
I tally the numbers: a dozen dads; a half-million dollars. None of these guys is rich--a couple admit to financial ruin.
Each story is so complicated; each sounds the same. The common theme: men, not women, are the victims of divorce.
The room is crowded with phantoms. Children--the ultimate victims of custody battles--hover. And next to the children, the ex-wives, who are described as “crazy.” Or, if not crazy, “unstable.” Or “alcoholic.” Or “vindictive.” Or remarried to a much richer man--someone who can afford to underwrite his new wife’s legal battles with her ex.
Some of the men talk bitterly of false accusations: sexual molestation charges leveled by ex-wives who would stop at nothing to keep the children. This, a family law attorney tells them, has become a sword used frequently by ex-wives since the McMartin case hit the news in 1984. Many of the men nod in resignation.
“The way the system works,” explains one of the fathers, “is that you are guilty until proven innocent.”
Though they sometimes descend into women-bashing, these men are here to do more than complain. They are here--and some have been coming every week for years--to learn the parenting skills they never acquired, and in doing so, to convince the courts, their ex’s and themselves that they deserve, just as much as mothers do, to raise their children.
“The common theme is that everybody wants to be with their kids and everybody has gone to extraordinary lengths to do that. These are the opposite of deadbeat dads,” says A. Jayne Major, a commanding presence whose support, good humor and patience have seen many a father through a custody crisis. Major, who has a doctorate in education, believes there is no skill or knowledge a mother has that a father doesn’t have or can’t learn.
In 1983, she founded the Parent Connection, a nonprofit agency that has served 6,000 mothers and fathers around the Los Angeles area. Many parents, involved in abuse and neglect cases, are ordered into Parent Connection classes by judges. Others, like the fathers on this night in West L.A., come voluntarily.
Fathers get their own custody class, she says, because they have special needs.
“There is an enormous bias against fathers as competent parents and (there is) the belief that fathers are not and cannot be competent parents,” says Major. “I think that is just horrible. I have met so many mothers who are totally incompetent. There is nothing about motherhood per se that makes someone competent to take care of a child. It is a learned behavior for men and women.”
Her own experience as the daughter of a schizophrenic mother and a stable, loving father taught her the importance of fathering: “If I didn’t have that strong male influence in my life, where would I be?”
Each of her three-hour classes is divided into hourlong sections: dads bring each other up to date on their custody fights, Major teaches a lesson on a particular skill--”Discipline vs. Punishment” tonight--and a guest speaker finishes.
The gist of her curriculum is to teach parents to look for the inherent good in children--to “catch them being good” and reinforce that behavior. And, she emphasizes, fathers need to spend time with their kids. Though it seems a non sequitur, she will sometimes interrupt herself to ask, “How do you spell Love? “
“T-i-m-e,” the dads reply.
After 10 sessions of custody class, which cost $30 each, fathers earn a certificate of completion, which usually becomes part of a court file.
Judges in custody cases look favorably on parents trying to hone their child-rearing skills, says tonight’s speaker, family attorney Daniel A. Bergman, who often sits as a family court judge in Van Nuys.
Bergman acknowledges that judges do not always follow state law, which precludes the sex of the parent from being a determining factor in custody decisions. Nor is the process always fair. You can tell from the faces in this room that this sad fact has been learned firsthand by these fathers.
The stories of Rob and Peter are typical:
Three months ago, Rob was accused by his ex-wife of sexually abusing his 5-year-old daughter. He was arrested and spent a night in jail, though charges were later dropped. His parents take care of his daughter now; he and his wife both have monitored visitations with the child. He is trying to convince the courts that he is the better parent, but the arrest has complicated things.
Peter’s wife filed for divorce in 1990, accusing him of having “violent, uncontrollable behavior.” The court ordered a psychological evaluation. “I wasn’t in the best attitude,” he said. “I guess I scored low.” The result: monitored visitations four hours a week with his 4-year-old daughter.
If the world were perfect, we would all be required to take parenting classes before having children. Or we would all be instinctively wonderful moms and dads.
But it doesn’t work that way.
In this small room, a dozen men are working hard to change the way it is. They are trying to make up for lost time--and not just because they owe it to their kids to be great dads. They also owe it to themselves.
