Working Together on Chores

“Do I have to?” whines the child. “It’s the least you can do,” snaps back the parent.

Chores--not infrequently the source of tension in a household--often mean different things to kids than they do to their parents.

Just as all families are unique, so are the ways chores are handled. In some households, a clean bedroom is very important; in other families, a child’s bedroom is considered his or her own private domain.

There’s more gained from chores than a clean house, say three North County families who shared their systems for getting household jobs done. Things such as getting children in the habit of accepting responsibility, breaking down gender stereotypes and sometimes even realizing that work can be fun.

From mowing the lawn, to polishing silver for a holiday dinner, to filling ice-cube trays, it seems nearly every family member can make a valuable contribution to housework.

Although the term “chore” may sound pejorative, it does imply a family working together toward the common goal of having a pleasant and organized household, according to Karen Harten, a marriage, family, and child counselor at Psychiatric Centers of San Diego’s Vista office.

The role of the child in housework is best mutually decided by parents and children, and contributes greatly to the family cohesiveness and self-esteem of the children, she said.

“Ask your child to write a list of tasks he or she would like to do, then make your own list of things you want done,” she tells parents. “Then negotiate. When those tasks are done successfully, the child will feel a sense of accomplishment.”

Here’s how three North County families are working things out:

BREAKING GENDER

STEREOTYPES

When a teacher at Vista’s Lincoln Middle School asked her class to write a “how-to” article, seventh-grader Darren Gastellum looked no further than the laundry room in his family’s Vista home.

Including such intricate details as washing machine-dial adjustment, his paper, “How to wash clothes,” drew an “A” from his teacher, along with the comment: “Excellent Topic.”

But the assignment probably ranks as one of Darren’s easiest yet. After all, the tasks of sorting light clothes from dark and measuring bleach are part of his regular routine.

For Linda Gastellum, keeping sons Darren, 14, and Damion, 16, responsible for a portion of the laundry, dusting, dishwashing, and vacuuming in the family’s 1,800-square-foot home is a way to ward off the formation of “June and Ward Cleaver” stereotypes.

“I don’t want my sons growing up thinking women are the only ones who do household chores,” said Linda. “I don’t want them bringing their laundry home to me when they’re grown, or expecting their wives to keep the house clean.”

Since Linda and her husband, Steve, both 38, leave for work before 7 a.m., the boys are “on their own” each morning. Linda works as a diet technician, Steve as a postal clerk supervisor.

“They are responsible for getting their breakfast, and getting off to school. Damion even does his own last-minute ironing,” said Linda, stopping to answer the phone in her white-tiled kitchen. “People always comment about how our sons are so independent.”

“I want them to be able to take care of themselves when they go to college, or even if they don’t go to college, but move out on their own,” Linda said.

And participating in the housekeeping, it seems, has made Damion and Darren more aware of what can be a constant struggle to keep a family dwelling reasonably tidy.

“When I go outside and help dad pour cement, or dig a hole, I see a finished result at the end; it’s like I’ve made something,” said Darren. “But when I vacuum, the carpet is messy again an hour later.”

Linda shook her head and laughed. “See why mothers hate housework?”

A self-proclaimed “perfectionist,” Linda admits that doling out the housework she once handled solely has not been easy.

“My biggest problem is that I have had to lower my standards,” said Linda, who began working full-time in 1985 after graduating from college. “When I worked part time, I did everything in my own way.”

“I’m very meticulous. For example, I like shirts folded in a certain way,” she said, her hands going through the motions of folding up shirt sleeves. “But now I realize that if I want to be a perfectionist, I’d have to do everything myself.”

A regular stipend is not part of the deal in the Gastellum household--a fact Darren wouldn’t mind changing.

“Ten dollars a week would be incredible. Can you imagine? I’d be rich,” said the dark-haired teen-ager, petting Beau, the family cat seated comfortably on a bar stool in the kitchen. “OK, I’d settle for 5.”

Steve explained his allowance theory. “Ever hear of slim and none?” he said with a laugh, referring to monetary rewards for housework. “We don’t have an organized housecleaning system. Our theory is: If something needs to be done, just do it.”

Linda said she encourages her sons to earn extra money--Damion at his part-time hospital job, and Darren mowing neighborhood lawns--but she only pays for “big jobs” like cleaning out the garage, or vacuuming the car interiors.

“I give them money for things they need, or for a movie. But cash is short sometimes,” she said. “Sometimes I’ll even ask them: ‘Hey, do you have a couple dollars for gas?’ ”

LEARNING CITIZENSHIP

AT HOME

To Richard and Merrilee Dickerson, assigning their eight children, ages 4 to 22, to household tasks means much more than a cleaner house. It means creating a better society.

“We feel the breakdown of society begins at home,” said Richard, 47, seated in the pastel-hued living room of the family’s 3,200-square-foot Carlsbad home. “There seems to be a very direct link between the way children are trained at home, to the way they respond to adult responsibilities.”

That has meant helping their children realize that the privilege of being a family member carries with it a responsibility to keep the family structure running smoothly, say the Dickersons. Richard commutes by train daily to his job at an Orange County development company; Merrilee is a full-time homemaker.

It’s hard to imagine any household with six children in residence (Troy, 22, and Amy, 21 live on their own) running “smoothly,” but the Dickerson household seems to do just that.

Two siblings are assigned to each dinner: one sets the table, and empties the dishwasher; the other has clean-up duty. Individual laundry baskets line the laundry room, and family members--Ryan, 19, Scott, 17, Neil, 14, Darcy, 11, Tad, 8, and Russell, 4--are responsible for returning garments to their proper place.

On Saturdays, Richard posts “the Saturday work list.” Early-risers can get first choice of several duties, most centering around the family’s 1/3-acre lot. More complex projects, such as trimming one of the many avocado trees lining the lawn, are scheduled for a time convenient to the entire group.

“It takes a certain amount of coordination to keep a big family operating,” Richard said.

On a recent afternoon, cheers for a Michael Jordan slam-dunk drifted out of the family room. Russell darted around the living room, settling first against a wall decorated with family portraits, then plummeting to a spot under the coffee table.

“I clean up my toys like my ‘Cross Fire’ game,” Russell blurted, bouncing his ball on the carpet.

Making a small child aware of his role in the family structure is time consuming, but worth the effort, Richard said.

“We started giving the children responsibilities when they were very young--all geared to their age, of course. It takes a lot of persistence and patience, and a time commitment. We take time to demonstrate to them how something is done, and then we follow up.”

But, like many parents, the Dickersons found that showing children how to, say, make a bed, does little good until the child truly “wants” to complete the task. Their key to inspiring eight children to want to empty the trash and unload the dishwasher? Simple respect.

“You can tell a child over and over again to do something,” Richard said. “But tell them in a spirit of love, respect, and sincerity and you’ll find that they treat the family the same way.”

Russell is now called “Captain” of his bedroom. Keeping his floor void of toys helps keep the family home, or “ship,” clean, his parents tell him. And, of course, helping out with food preparation is an important ship duty.

Richard feels that most parents can benefit by “expecting” a contribution from their children.

“Children will generally rise to the standards you set for them,” he said. “They (children) want to deal with parents on a level of respect.”

NEW SURROUNDINGS,

NEW CHORES

A few months ago, Susan Lindholm, her children Erin, 10, and Jon, 8, and their two cats lived in a modern Carlsbad townhouse. Today, the Lindholms and their pets share a 1,300-square-foot, “fixer-upper” with Susan’s fiance, Ralph, and his two cats.

“It’s been an adjustment--all the sudden we have leaves to rake and four cats to watch out for,” said Susan, 38, a clinical dietitian, sipping coffee in the kitchen of the family’s Carlsbad rancher.

The 30-year-old house, with its hardwood floors and rustic wood cabinets, came with ready-made chores. Both Erin and Jon took part in removing old linoleum and vinyl from the kitchen walls and floors. And without the luxury of the townhome’s dishwasher, the family now takes turn hand-washing and drying dishes.

Susan said Ralph, 38, is “easing” into the family’s routine in a way comfortable to the children. “He sort of lets me handle things the way I always have,” said Susan, of her fiance, a hospital unit supervisor. “But when he does ask them (the children) for help, they almost respond to him better than they respond to me. I guess that’s because he’s not quite a parent figure yet.”

Indeed, Jon likes to help Ralph trim the bushes behind the house. Big projects in the yard can bring $2.50. But he recommends keeping his mother away from the bushes.

“Just don’t let my mom do it, or else the bushes would be gone,” said Jon, his freckled face buried in a glass of milk.

Susan grinned. “I’d make a terrible hairdresser.”

Erin takes full responsibility for the four cats, a job that includes regularly removing “lawn stickers” out of Smokey’s half-Persian, half-lynx coat.

“The cats need a lot of attention--see he’s so old he forgets his tongue is sticking out,” said Erin, pointing to Chessie, the oldest cat of the clan. “My best friend doesn’t even have to clean her cats.”

Since Erin and Jon spend several days each month with their father, who lives just seven-tenths of a mile down the street, the children have two sets of chores.

“We also have to make our bed, and clean up our toys at Dad’s house,” explained Erin. “Except at my Dad’s, I have to take care of a dog, not cats.”

Since the two households interact so often, the children’s parents try to maintain a level of consistency with chores.

“Their father and I try to reinforce chores between us,” said Susan, pausing to check a math problem for Jon. “We try to make sure they have equal responsibilities at each house.”

“The children have had fun helping fix up our new home,” she added. “I just tell them: ‘This is your home, take care of it.’ ”