Waxing Philosophic

In a perverse back flip promoting its car washes and waxes, Zymol Enterprises is distributing a bumbler’s booklet: “10 Ways to Destroy Your Car’s Finish.” Among the grittier tips:

* Shop for cleaning materials at discount stores and wait for loudspeaker specials on old wax nobody wanted. Ignore paint chips and scratches. Or use a touch-up paint that almost matches.

* Never rinse a car before washing because “acid rain deposits and road silt clinging to the car’s finish make a great new abrasive for massaging the car’s paint away.”

* Wash after a car has baked in the sun. “Cool water causes metal to contract faster than the paint, causing tiny cracks. . . . The more often you do this, the more distinctive the cracks will become.”

* Rinse with a high-pressure hose. “Dirt . . . will come off with the paint.”

* Dry the car by driving. “Soap and hard-water residue leave an intriguing array of stains on the paint.”

* Wash the car semiannually. “The car will deteriorate into a faded hulk. Remember, cars that look like hell are generally not stolen.”

* Don’t wash before waxing. “Grit and grime strip away paint very nicely. Pretty soon, there won’t be any paint left and you won’t have to bother with waxing.”

The booklet--which also includes serious information on car finishes--can be obtained by calling (800) 999-5563.

Zymol says another brochure--on where to get a new paint job--is in the works.