Pitch-O-Matic : A Tour of Infomercialand, Where Schlock Can Be Strangely Seductive

The following story is a paid presentation of the Los Angeles Times Magazine.

(Fade in: A stunning reporter in a classic Chanel suit looks up from the computer console in her tastefully decorated writing salon. Her radiant face fills the screen. She speaks.)

I’ll never forget the first time. I turned on the TV looking for the news and found John Davidson, former Hollywood Square, wearing a three-piece suit and an orchid lei, crooning in front of a lush Hawaiian vista. For a moment I thought it was a revival of “South Pacific,” but then Davidson gazed soulfully into the camera and asked if I was willing to give up two hours of my time to learn the strategies of becoming a millionaire. Members of the audience, none of whom looked like financial wizards, stood up to testify about their Rolls-Royces and display their six-figure checks.

They owed it all to the mustachioed man in the luminous yellow sports jacket who came on next: Davidson’s dear personal friend, Dave del Dotto, who I later learned is the star of the longest-running half-hour commercial in history. He preached that “anyone in America can get rich” with “Dave del Dotto’s Cash-Flow System,” a real estate course for only $297, plus $17 shipping and handling. My left brain wondered why, if he was making so much money in real estate, he was hawking audiocassettes. But my heart wanted to pick up the phone and buy. I was mesmerized by the absolute certainty of the pitchman. I knew it was stupid, but I actually hoped the course would change my life.

And it wasn’t only Dave who tempted me. Day and night, on every channel on my clicker, I witnessed a parade of simple solutions to problems I never knew I had. The kind of celebrities who used to be on the “Match Game”--Alex Karras, Barbi Benton, Fran Tarkenton, Linda Gray, James Brolin, Suzanne Somers--cajoled me in loving tones, assuring me that I’d be prettier, thinner, smarter, richer, happier--a gourmet cook!--if only I’d call their 800 number and order their product. How could I just say no?

(Music swells.)

Hi, I’m Margo Kaufman and in the next 68 paragraphs I’m going to give you information about infomercials that will probably change your life. For anyone out there who doesn’t have electricity, I’m referring to the “paid programming,” as TV Guide calls it, that airs late at night and on weekend mornings on regular TV and around the clock on cable. The shows that resemble a bizarro “Nightline” or “Live With Regis & Kathie Lee” but are in fact bizarro commercials.

Every month, almost 100 different pitches glorifying stun guns, sleep-inducing machines, fishing lures, baldness cures, juice extractors (pick from six), even Volvos, natter from the TV screen. Any day I expect to see an infomercial for my gynecologist or a cassette course on “How to Profit in the Infomercial Age.”

Right now, I’d like to go live remote to my brother Bobby’s living room so that you can see just how seductive infomercials can be. Bobby has so far purchased audiocassette courses on investment management, real estate secrets and the art of negotiation, as well as a cream that revitalizes old cars and sunglasses with pinholes in them that improve your vision. Bobby, tell us: Why do you do it?

(We see a friendly, curly-haired man sitting on a sofa clutching a remote control. He is surrounded by a Flowbee, a vacuum-cleaner attachment that cuts your hair; a Thighmaster, and a gold-prospecting kit.)

Bobby: “When you’re sitting in the living room on a Sunday morning and you can’t pay your Visa bill, it’s tempting when Dave del Dotto says you can make money. You’re thinking, ‘Nah, well, maybe.’ Finally, one Sunday you’re so depressed you send away. It’s a quick fix to a problem you’re never going to solve.”

He’s not the only one who can’t control his push-button impulses. Last year, the infomercial industry enjoyed sales of about $500 million, according to John Kogler, publisher of Jordan Whitney Inc.’s TV Direct Response Monitoring Report. Anthony Robbins, the frenetic self-improvement colossus with the Jaws-like teeth, has sold more than $75 million worth of motivational tapes; Victoria Jackson has persuaded American women to spend more than $150 million to achieve the no-makeup look, and the hyper-gesticulating Juiceman, Jay Kordich, has squeezed out more than $70 million in juicers. A single infomercial swelled sales for Celeste Co.’s Caruso steam hair setters from 3,000 sets of curlers in 1989 to 375,000 last year.

Of course, to get a true sense of the net profits, one has to subtract the cost of media time, celebrity royalties, 800 numbers, shipping and manufacturing. Even so, the credit-card numbers keep rolling in. Kogler projects sales of $750 million for 1992, the bulk of them by the “Big Four” infomercial producers that dominate the industry: Guthy Renker, Regal Group Inc., National Media and American Telecast. They do everything from making the product to calling you after you bought it to see if you want another one.

In the pages that follow I’m going to take you on a tour of Infomercialand--where you can program your brain into a success machine in 30 days, where skin magically turns younger overnight, where kitchen knives cut through lead pipe.

(Pulsing electronic music like they have on the news. A person’s face fills the screen, then another. Each has a caption under his face.)

“People have low attention spans, and in tough times or high stress times, they’re prone to not strain themselves. Infomercials are a form of escapism. They’re free.”--Richard Kaylor, president of Regal Group Inc., the nation’s largest infomercial production company.

“There are hundreds of thousands of people in the middle of the night bumping into infomercials. It seemed like a good idea to try.”--Sid Galanty, producer of Jerry Brown’s “Take Back America” infomercial.

“It’s an amazing feat to convince someone to get up off their couch, find their credit card, pick up the phone and order.”--Mick Diener, infomercial writer/director.

(The music dies. The reporter has now changed into a tailored little Italian something. She’s sitting on a chintz sofa surrounded by fresh flowers.)

Welcome back. If you’re like me, the first time you saw a video pitchman refinish a breakfront in a three-piece suit or fry a burger on the hood of a car, you wondered who had let the inmates out of the asylum. Blame the Justice Department, which ruled in 1984 that the National Assn. of Broadcasters’ limit of 12 commercial minutes per hour violated the Sherman Anti-Trust Act. This paved the way not only for infomercials, but also for the Home Shopping Network, the longest commercial on the air, which grossed $100 million last year. With fatal synchronicity, the Federal Communications Commission eased government restrictions on the TV industry, increasing the number of broadcast stations, and the cable industry boomed. By 1985, the first crop of infomercials was in full bloom.

(A genial teddy-bearlike man in his late 30s appears on the sofa.)

Now I’d like you all to welcome my next guest: Steve Dworman, publisher of the Infomercial Marketing Report, a trade newsletter. Steve, why don’t you tell the readers of the L.A. Times Magazine about the early days of infomercials?

Dworman: “Back in 1985, people would find carnival and county-fair barkers and put them in front of a table with one TV camera. They were kin to one-minute spots like Popeil’s Pocket Fisherman and Veg-o-matic. They sold anything--slicers, dicers, baldness cures, Ginsu knives. The sales figures went through the roof because the form of advertising was such a novelty people would call in like crazy. Around 1988-89, the quality of the shows got a lot less tacky. The big innovation was the use of celebrities. When Victoria Jackson’s ‘Beauty Breakthroughs’ went on the air with Lisa Hartman and Ali MacGraw, nobody had ever seen anything like it on TV.”

But, Steve, isn’t the Federal Trade Commission cracking down? Didn’t it recently fine Twinstar, an Arizona-based company, $1.5 million for making unsubstantiated claims about impotence remedies and baldness cures? Didn’t it go after JS&A; of Illinois for initially not labeling their BluBlocker sunglasses infomercial as an ad? And isn’t Tom Vu, who made a fortune hawking real estate courses with the aid of pneumatic-chested women, being sued by disgruntled acolytes who invested their life savings in what they claim was a sleep-deprivation brainwashing seminar?

Dworman: “Vu’s show is off the air and he’s being investigated by the Florida state attorney general. You have to remember, originally, the FTC never set any guidelines, so regulations are coming out slowly as court cases come to trial. Now shows must be clearly labeled commercials, and product claims must be substantiated.”

Two years ago, in fact, infomercial industry leaders founded the National Infomercial Marketing Assn. to clean up their act. Its more than 100 members promise to give money-back guarantees and to make sure that their products are available. Actually, readers, I felt safer when infomercials were flagrantly tacky; it was easier to keep my wallet closed. But if you keep reading for just a little longer, I’ll show you how to resist the temptations of infomercials. For now, let me tell you what some industry leaders told me when I asked why they were in the business.

(Harp solo. Sequential close-ups.)

“We aren’t in the business to make money. Our goal is to educate people about the health benefits of eating more fruits and vegetables.”--Rick Cesari, vice president of Juiceman.

“You’ll get everything you want if you help other people. You don’t pay attention to making the dollars, you pay attention to helping the people get what they want.”--Mike Levey, producer and host of the infomercial series “Amazing Discoveries.”

“Dave really cares about you. If you go out and help people fill a need, you’re going to be successful. Of course you make money, but we all have to make money doing something.”--Mark Williams, writer/producer of the “Dave del Dotto Show.”

(Wild applause.)

But if you’re not operating on a strictly altruistic basis, the infomercial business rule of thumb is that receipts must equal at least twice the cost of media time. For example, a half-hour of air time ranges from $25 on a local cable system to $50,000 for prime time on superstation WWOR (the most expensive station); the average is $1,000. So if your spot is running on cable and the time costs $100, if it brings in $200 in orders, you’re above water.

Well above water is my next guest, Greg Renker, who has been credited with helping to legitimize the industry. He and his partner, Bill Guthy, made their mark with glossy, seamlessly edited shows that cost at least $200,000 per half hour. (A half-hour of prime-time network programming averages about $750,000.) Their greatest hits include the blockbuster “Anthony Robbins Personal Power,” Victoria Principal’s skin-care line and “Kathy Smith’s Fat Burning System.”

(A dapper gentleman in his 30s takes a place on the couch.)

Greg, tell us, what’s your secret? How do you convince people to buy?

Renker: “Ingenious selection of product. The No. 1 rule is to pick a product that the mass market is going to want. Sell things they respond to on impulse--vanity, beauty, get rich, weight loss.

“The next step is to position the product so that people want it immediately. If you’re going to use a celebrity, you have to find one who has a real passion for the product. If you look at the shows that really hit, the Terminators of our industry, they’ve all been shows where the spokesman totally believes in the product. Richard Simmons totally relates to his product, ‘Deal-a-Meal.’ So does Victoria Principal.”

So, Greg, why did Morgan Fairchild bomb in her infomercial?

Renker: “We made a mistake. We had her host a program for us on ‘How to Raise Drug-Free Kids,’ an audio-video course designed to show parents how to communicate with their kids. It cost us over 200,000 bucks. But she wasn’t the right person to pitch the product. She wasn’t married at the time. She never had any kids, and she was basically a sex symbol. It was a total flop.”

Fortunately, in direct-response television if a spot airs and nobody orders, the show is yanked immediately, so you’re not haunted by failure.

IN A MOMENT, I’LL TAKE YOU TO THE WILLIAM MORRIS AGENCY, where we’ll get an answer to the question: Will a star sell anything for money?

(Trumpet fanfare. A warning comes on the screen.)

The following testimonials reflect the opinions of people who called me on the phone the other night.

“I can’t believe those juice people. They put watermelon and tomato and broccoli and carrots together and they drink it. I get the same result from the garbage disposal but I don’t drink it.”--My ex-husband, Richard.

“You can’t say that advertising doesn’t advance. In each generation they sell you schlock in a new way.”--My friend Jon, paraphrasing Will Rogers.

“The Victoria Jackson show reminds me of a juicy Vogue or Cosmo article. I almost ordered. But then I thought, ‘Oh, get a hold of yourself. You think you’re going to put this makeup on and look like Ali MacGraw?’ “--My friend Monica.

Rick Bradley hopes that’s what you’ll think. A few years ago, Bradley, a commercial agent at William Morris, and his supervisor, Richard Hersh, decided that infomercials were a potential gold mine for their celebrity clients. “A lot of agents looked at them and said, ‘I’m not going to let my clients do this shoddy, cheap form of advertising,’ ” Bradley told me. “But we likened it to the cable industry 15 to 20 years ago and took the approach that it’s here to stay.”

Bradley and Hersh match celebrities to products in exchange for a fee of 10% of the gross profits. Their clients include MacGraw, Simmons, Meredith Baxter, Robin Leach and Ricardo Montalban. The stars, known in the trade as “channel stoppers,” get 1% to 3% of the gross.

“An actor with the slightest bit of entrepreneurship sees the potential,” Bradley says. “My dream package is Michelle Pfeiffer getting together with Julia Roberts to put together a line of hair-care products.” Just what the world needs.

Recently, I watched Cher and Larry Hagman on TV schmoozing with Lori Davis, the blowzy “Hollywood Hair Doctor,” who was pitching a line of hair essentials. I couldn’t understand why Cher, who is known to wear hair extensions and wigs, and Hagman, who reportedly wears a toupee, were good examples of the efficacy of Crystalline shine and Weekly Hair Clarifiers.

However, I’d buy anything from my next guest, Mike Levey, the host/producer/writer of “Amazing Discoveries”--an unabashedly tacky series of infomercials that generate more than $100 million a year. His shows are seen in the United States 2,000 times each month, so you can click him off on one station and have him pop up on another--extolling such “miracle” products as a furniture refinisher that melts existing finish into butter and vertical roasters that cook chicken in half the usual time.

Levey ricochets around the set whooping, “Wow! A $62 value for $29.95!” as his pitchmen conduct arresting product demonstrations--most notably setting fire to the hood of a Rolls-Royce to test a car wax. His enthusiasm is so infectious and his performance as host so convincing that it’s easy to forget that Levey is a huckster too, closer in spirit to Madge the Manicurist than Phil Donahue.

(Levey, looking impossibly youthful at 44, bounces in. He talks a mile a minute, so read this very fast.)

What gave you the idea to do an episodic show?

Levey: “I figured if ‘Cheers’ is doing so well because they’ve established an identity and a family feeling, we could do the same thing. I felt the focus of the viewer’s eyes should be on the product, not the host, so I decided, ‘Hey, I’ll do it myself.’ I could be Everyman. I take the viewpoint of the audience. I ask the same questions.”

You and your wife, Lisa, test 40 discoveries a week in your kitchen to come up with the “Amazing” ones. What about the ones we don’t see?

“We get a lot of strange ones. We had one person who sent in his brainchild, which was a Home Forensic Sample Collection Kit. The idea was that you should take samples so in case there’s a tragic death you can identify your loved ones. It was a little bizarre. Not our type of ‘Amazing Discovery.’ ”

(AUDIENCE CHEERS. THE reporter has changed into a snazzy leather jumpsuit.)

Hello again. If you’re like me, you may be wondering how, when people reach for the remote to zap a 30- second commercial, people can make money producing 30- minute commercials? Listen to what a bunch of experts said.

(Drum roll. More close-ups.)

“You need entertainment, human interest. That’s the biggest secret. Most people who have TV sets have clickers. Unless you’re entertaining them you haven’t prevented them from changing channels.”--Joseph Sugarman, producer-director of BluBlocker sunglasses.

“You have to know when to add a little emotional temperature, a little pressure. The ultimate goal is a viewing experience where they want a little more, which is what they get by calling the 800 number.”--Lenny Lieberman, producer of Victoria Principal’s skin-care show.

“Always have an authority figure. A doctor, a credible scientist. So when people look at them they say, ‘I may not totally believe what’s being pitched but if he’s saying it, it must be good.’ “--Renker, president, Guthy Renker.

(Voice-over: Stay tuned for a very special offer.)

Perhaps the most powerful weapon in the infomercial arsenal is computer technology. It’s used to track the buying behavior of customers and make sure that they buy again.

Agencies that specialize in buying media time squirrel away huge databases with up-to-the-minute information on every show that is ever aired on any station at any hour along with how much the air time cost and how many orders it generated. When a company wants to test market something, a buyer looks at past results for similar products and plans accordingly.

A media buyer can pull up data according to demographics, lifestyle preferences, and infomercial product categories--health and beauty, hopes and dreams, home appliances, sports and fitness, weight loss--to home in on an audience. Some products, such as legal advice kits, work well in a big urban market. And home hair-cutting devices do better in a smaller, less upscale market.

(A vibrant brunette joins the reporter.)

My next guest, Katie Williams, is CEO of Williams Television Time Inc., the biggest independent infomercial broadcast media agency in the country. Her Santa Monica company buys time on national cable, local cable and broadcast stations in every U.S. market, as well as in Canada and Europe. She’s been buying time since 1984 and will bill nearly $50 million this year. In the past four years she’s spent $100 million on media that resulted in half a billion dollars in sales for her clients’ products.

Williams: “We’re like brokers. We invest in TV time. We find our clients the best time, negotiate for it and monitor their progress. Overnight, I know whether a time was profitable. So I can cancel or add time instantly.”

What are the hot markets?

Williams: “The consistent hot markets are Buffalo, Rochester, Salt Lake City, Spokane and South Bend, Ind. And right now Minneapolis and Phoenix are big.”

I guess the worse the weather the better the sales.

Williams: “It’s hard to buy something when you’re sitting on the beach. The first and fourth quarter are usually the most profitable because people are inside, near the phone.”

Why are infomercials on at such strange hours?

Williams: “The best time slots are when people are relaxed--weekends, late night, the competition’s not too exciting.”

I can’t believe women buy blush at 4 in the morning.

Williams: “Women’s products tend to do better on weekends and Monday through Friday during the day because these are things that are easy to demonstrate and the daytime audience is primarily female. On the other hand, motivation seminars and real estate courses work great late night because people are less distracted. And also there’s a higher viewership of men, who are the primary buyers of these products.”

(Elevator music.) Whenever you break down and call the 800 number, the operator will be charming and eager to help. (The answering services are usually located in the South or the Midwest, where people are more friendly than they are, say, in Manhattan.) “The operators go through rigorous training,” says cosmetics czarina Victoria Jackson. “We need people who are personable, who understand the continuity program”--a service whereby a customer signs up to have the omnipotent computer send fresh supplies every three months and automatically bill her credit card.

Not surprisingly, the operators reach out and touch you long after the sale is made. “They do everything from checking up to see if you’re happy with the product to finding out if there’s anything else you need,” says Jackson.

But beware. Once these sirens lure you on the phone, you’re entered into the ominous database. For example, if you let on that you like fancy hair-care products, you can expect to be flooded with offers for skin balms and bath oils. Companies can even sell your name to other companies (but not your phone number--yet) for 10 cents a pop.

As a rule, the merchandise arrives promptly and handsomely packaged--so you feel as if it’s Christmas--with a bunch of goodies thrown in, like a how-to video, a workbook and a glossy catalogue filled with still more goodies. Given what I sampled--for example, the Juiceman, which came complete with tote bag, pesticide remover, subscription to a nutrition magazine and a copy of “The Juiceman’s Guide to Juicing”--the manufacturers subscribe to the theory that more is more.

My deluxe Victoria Jackson makeup kit contained more cosmetics and paraphernalia than a teen-ager’s bedroom. I studied the flash cards with makeup tricks and locked myself in the bathroom for 45 minutes. I emerged looking like a star of the horror movie “Children of the Damned.” My skin was deathly pale and my eyes, shadowed with the “peach” palette, had a menacing orange glow. When I called the beauty hot line, the helpful operator suggested that I exchange my Light foundation for a Medium and instructed me to use the shadow sparingly. And in all fairness, that does look better.

I had fun listening to Tony Robbins’ “Personal Power” harangues, even though I’d already heard the crucial insights from my therapist. Robbins motivated me enough to listen to all the tapes and do all the homework assignments, but I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m no richer and own no more property than I did when I began. Perhaps this is because I couldn’t bring myself to listen to the bonus cassettes, which feature New Age music embedded with such subliminal affirmations as, “I live each day with passion and power.” I was afraid there were other secret messages, such as “Buy more tapes.”

No matter what you think of the product, everything comes with a money-back guarantee so there’s no real incentive to sell junk. Still, most of what you’re buying is the illusion that you’re in on a special deal that you can’t get elsewhere. In truth, you can go to a store and buy comparable juicers, exercise machines, makeup, woks, curlers and self-improvement tapes (which may actually be what you saw on TV, since infomercials are now being used to hype products in stores). But after watching infomercials, going to the store doesn’t seem to be as much fun. Anybody can go to the store. But not everybody can take advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime offer.

On the other hand, if you’d like to save your money for a trip to the mall with your girlfriend, or simply get a good night’s sleep, then have I got a deal for you. Get out your credit card, because in a moment I’m going to let you take advantage of a very special offer.

(Polka music. Visual of animated MasterCard, American Express, Visa and Discover cards doing a merry jig.)

And now, here’s how to take advantage of this offer. Using the edge of your credit card, carefully rip out the box below on the dotted line. Now, tape it to your remote control. When you feel infomercial saturation has reached overload, perform the action indicated.

This is Margo Kaufman, preparing for still another costume change. . .