The Politicians Cannot Change Voter Confusion

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome. Please, sit down. You have come to the right place. I can see it in your eyes.

Believe me, I know. I was once just like you. As I look out into the audience today, I see eyes that look tired and listless, showing signs of disorientation. I see eyes that have that familiar glazed look, deadened, practically marbleized.

It is for you that I have developed my patented 12-step program for the politically confused.

I know that your senses have been overloaded. You read the newspapers, listen to the news broadcasts, some of you have watched both political conventions to the end. A few, perhaps in need of professional intervention, even rerun C-Span in your dreams.

But none of you can figure out how both the Republicans and the Democrats can be running on the same theme: Change.

Well, I’m here today to tell you that you are not alone, friends. You’re right. It doesn’t make any sense. And it’s a shame, I tell you. A crying shame. Now, let us weep.

(Music fades in here).

Good, good, good. “Getting it all out” is central to my 12-step program. Wash away all those preconceived notions of what campaign politics should be. Start again!

For those of you who are new here, please do not be alarmed by this display of emotion.

Today, even registered men are encouraged to choke on their words every now and then. In this political year, this is important to remember. This shows that you have values.

Also, for you newcomers, you’ll notice that my program does not assign any particular value to your values, which is just the way we want it.

Avoid the f-word. It tends to confuse. Remember, what you might call family, somebody else might call just a bunch of hangers-on.

OK, now I feel the spirit, a palpable charge building in the room. Do you feel less confused? No? Well, think Change! Change! Change!

Or maybe the charge I’m feeling is just the static electricity from all these balloons dropping from the ceiling? Please, cut the balloons! Where did these balloons come from?

(There is the sound of scurrying feet echoing through the room now. We think they are eager staffers heading to the balloon switch, but no! It’s readers dashing for the exits. Yes, sadly, they are too confused.)

Which reminds me, what is it with balloons and politics anyway? No wonder the heads of you voters are in a spin!

Here you think you’re weighing the great issues of our time--Will Hillary file a class-action suit on behalf of America’s children against their parents? Is Jim Baker really George’s astrologer instead of his best friend?--when, all of a sudden, these balloons start raining down.

Why, the other night at the Republican convention a red balloon actually bopped Ronald Reagan on the head. Unfortunately, it failed to knock some sense into the man. I heard him say we should vote Republican for “a change.”

But my point here, ladies and gentlemen, is do not let this party atmosphere confuse you. That is what the politicians want.

They want to fill you with extraneous bits of half-truths, scurrilous gossip, trivial tidbits from the candidates’ past, all in the hopes that when you step inside the voting booth, you will resort to that tried and true method: Eeney, Meeney, Miney, Mo.

If, of course, you even get that far. I mean, can you imagine? November really seems a long way off.

And, frankly, I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Dan, Gennifer and Jennifer, voodoo economics, the battle of the chocolate chip cookies, Barbara coming out of the closet on choice, marijuana not inhaled, Clarence Thomas, why, I could go on, and on.

So forget about a 12-step program! . . . There is no 12-step program! . . . You hear me, This is lunacy! . . . You’re on your own, ladies and gentlemen. Good luck!!

(The author, obviously having a relapse, is ushered quietly out of the room. There will be no charge for this column.)