Q: A ‘World-Class’ Colloquy ? A: A ‘World-Class’ Colloquy !

Question: What is “World Class” ?

Answer: You’ve seen the ads, watched the TV spots, read the blurbs! “World Class” is the bigger, bolder, transcendental new way to position a product or service in the internationally minded ‘90s!

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Q: But what does “World Class” compare with, in a rational value system?

A: It compares with everything else--and with nothing else! That’s why it’s World Class!

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Q: A panel? A jury? Precisely what determines whether something is or isn’t World Class?

A: It’s either World Class or it isn’t! And if it is World Class, watch out world, ‘cause it’s the class of the world, worldwide!

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Q: But “the world” is a lot of sea water and about 190 nations, most of them ramshackle backwaters run by goons and with an annual GNP lower than the payroll of the Houston Astros. So what distinction is there in being “World Class” ?

A: Only the distinction of being the one that bursts all political boundaries to make a global statement of excellence stamped in gold!

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Q: As in, say, a World-Class Somalian famine, or a World-Class Alaskan oil spill, or a--

A: We like to think more in terms of World-Class eye shadow, World-Class bathroom fixtures, World-Class mid-size luxury sedans, that sort of thing. Things the whole darn world can recognize and celebrate. And buy!

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Q: But “World Class” seems to be a strictly American idea, applied only to American products and services, for American consumption--

A: Are you saying American products and services can’t compete with the world’s best?

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Q: It would help if they could actually prove it.

A: Check! That’s what World Class is all about!

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Q: Deep down, isn’t the “World Class” craze a case of trying to artificially reverse America’s current inferiority complex with fancy words and hot air?

A: If Mr. and Ms. Consumer want to take away the idea that owning a World-Class toaster makes up for losing car market share to the Japanese and the Olympic baseball title to the Cubans--

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Q: But is this the way to do it? Some cynics might say “World Class” is just the forced coupling of two of the vaguest words to create an idiotic catch phrase that means nothing and proves even less--

A: You forget that when you’re World Class, you don’t have to prove it! That’s the difference between World Class and everything less. And everything else is less--by definition. Or it would be World Class too!

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Q: So, World Class is World Class because you say it’s World Class.

A: We don’t say it, the product says it! By the way it excels in the toughest arena known in the civilized world: the world! Ergo, World-Class performance or quality, second to none in the world. Who in the world could resist that?

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Q: Actually proven the best in its class in the world?

A: Whoa! That’s for the labels on beer and Worcestershire sauce bottles! So somebody won some gold medals in some forgotten competition in St. Louis or Amsterdam in 1898! So what! No, World Class isn’t a state of competition! It’s a state of mind!

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Q: Your mind.

A: The mind of anybody who demands something a class-and-a-half past first class and well on the way to perfection on an international scale of excellence!

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Q: But what scale? “World Class” isn’t based on an actual, objective comparison with anything. So it ultimately proves no more real merit than saying “pretty good.” As long as you’re reducing language and meaning to mush, why not go all the way?

A: All the way?

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Q: Why not “Intergalactic Class” ?

A: Now, let’s not get silly!