Ignore Children’s Needs and Risk Minor Mutiny : Several cruise lines cater to families, with activities for youngsters from toddlers to teen-agers.

“Our kids were so bored . . . “ the letters typically say. “We wish we’d known . . . “

Darlene Papalini wishes they’d known, too. She feels terrible when she gets one of those letters. Papalini is director of guest relations for the ultra-luxe Los Angeles-based Crystal Cruises. While children do sail on Crystal’s ships, there are few programs for them except during holiday cruises. Still, families arrive with the kids in tow and are frustrated to learn too late--after the ship sails--that there isn’t much going on for the younger set. They end up spending their vacation entertaining the kids or listening to them complain--neither of which adds up to an entertaining experience. “Then no one wins, not the customer or the cruise line,” Papalini said.

That’s why it’s important to ask whether the cruise is geared up for children before booking. Those planning a trip away from the kids should ask, too. You don’t want to pick a ship teeming with little ones when you’ve got romance on your mind. In that case, you might want to skip summer or Christmas sailings on many of the major ships. Longer cruises to more exotic ports tend to have fewer families on board. So do the luxe cruises, like Seabourn and Royal Cruise Line. “It would be a mistake to direct families here,” said a Royal spokesman. “This is an adult experience,” sniffed a spokesman from Seabourn.

If you’re looking for other families, though, you’ll find plenty: A third of all new cruisers now fall into that category. And cruise lines are trying hard to accommodate them. You just have to know where to look.

Norwegian Cruise Line has begun offering Universal Studios-themed movie cruises complete with Universal characters like Woody Woodpecker. Kids can learn all about movie making, from how stunts are done to make-up and costumes. Premier Cruises concentrates totally on the family market, by combining cruise and Disney World vacations and placing Disney characters aboard every ship. Premier tries to reach all kinds of families with special packages for family reunions, single parents, even discounts for grandparents traveling with grandchildren.

Premier now has so many young children on board, each one gets a photo identification card when they board.

“Everything was oriented around the kids,” said Toni Wilkerson, who lives in Orange and went on a Premier cruise with her husband and 4-year-old last Christmas. “There was child care from eight in the morning until midnight.”

Wilkerson said they already are saving to go again. “The best part was that it was a vacation for us, too,” she said.

If you’re taking the kids along--or the grandkids--find the cruise line that can deliver the kind of experience you want. For reference, the New York-based Travel With Your Children, a family travel service, publishes Cruising With Children, an extensive information guide detailing the services each cruise line offers. It is updated yearly and is available for $20 plus $2 postage from TWYCH, 45 W. 18th St., New York 10011.

While you’re looking at brochures filled with gleaming ships, consider whether you want to be with your kids or whether you want them to have activities all day and all evening. Do you need baby-sitters for younger children? Will your older kids want to participate in organized programs? Sandra Malone found that despite all of the activities Premier offered her suburban Chicago family, her 10-year-old twins had more fun on their own.

Gloria Luhrs, from Rancho Palos Verdes, said her 11-year-old grandson sometimes opted to be with her and her husband instead of joining the other kids on board the Princess ship and they were glad to oblige. “It was a nice family time,” she said.

If you’ve got teen-agers, though, you likely won’t have much of that. “You never see your parents,” said 21-year-old Andrea Packman, who is from Maryland and has been cruising with her parents since she was in high school. “It’s a total party.”

Don’t assume your travel agent will know all of the answers. He OR SHE may tell you there are children’s programs but your family may not be in the correct age range for them or they may not be available on the dates you’re planning to sail.

Princess Cruises offers children’s programs but special children’s centers and extensive programming are available only on four ships: Dawn Princess, Fair Princess, Sky Princess and Star Princess. They’ll be kept busy from morning until night with “coketail” parties, board game tournaments, arts and crafts, movies, story telling and snorkeling lessons in their own pool. On the fleet’s other ships--Royal Princess, Island Princess, Pacific Princess, Regal Princess and Crown Princess--there are no separate youth facilities but a children’s program is offered when 15 or more children are on board.

Royal Caribbean Cruises also touts its year-round children’s programs and they get high marks from parents. But if your kids are younger than 4, you’re out of luck: the kids are too young to participate and baby-sitting is available only on a limited basis.

Carnival Cruise Lines has 25 permanent “Camp Carnival” counselors working on its ships but won’t accept kids under 4 in their programs, either. So if you’ve got younger children, you might want to consider another cruise line. Premier, for example, accepts children as young as 2; Norwegian Cruise Line takes 3-year-olds.

Or you might want to do what the Darmalis did. “We brought our baby-sitter with us,” explained Vincent Darmali, a banker from suburban Chicago who cruised on Royal Caribbean with his two young children last winter. “It was great,” he said. “We’ve already booked for next winter.”