It’s a Day Off, but No One’s Off This Hook

There used to be a sportswriter, Jimmy Cannon, who was a pal and an idol of mine, who had this feature column he reeled off now and again when he was otherwise out of material. It was called “Nobody Asked Me But . . . “ and it was good fun. It was also a day off.

Accordingly, I am going to resurrect this gimmick in honor of my late colleague. It’s too good a vehicle to let lapse. I lack Jimmy’s capacity for all-out indignation, but Jimmy was a Third Avenue guy till the day he died, never mind how many Presidents he dined with.

So, Nobody Asked Me, Either, But . . .

1. When I see a guy with his hat on backwards, I figure his brains are on the same way.

2. I trust anybody who smokes a cigar--because my Uncle Frank smoked one.

3. I think Lee Harvey Oswald killed John Kennedy--period.

4. I can’t stand Roseanne Barr.

5. I wish just once I’d sit on an airplane where the guy next to me was paying the full fare.

6. Any team that throws the football more than 50 times loses. Look it up.

7. I wish the top 10 teams in the Associated Press poll had more students on them than scofflaws--in other words, Rhodes scholars instead of rogue scholars.

8. I think that football coach who castrated a bull for the entertainment/incitement of his players should resign--from the human race.

9. I can’t remember a time when the designated hitter won a ballgame. I think being a designated hitter ruins a ballplayer--baseball is not a platoon sport.

10. I wish women would stop wearing ugly men’s shoes, particularly boxing shoes. Not even Mike Tyson looks good in them. And the only thing that looks good in a leopard coat is a leopard.

11. I hope Magic Johnson plays for the Lakers this season, but if he plays for the Knicks, they’ll win it all.

12. If you’re ever in Spain, don’t send out laundry. I had a $400 bill at a suburban Barcelona hotel for a laundering a few shirts and socks that weren’t worth a tenth of that new.

13. Drinking coffee out of a plastic cup is going to ruin the coffee industry one day.

14. Guys over 50 shouldn’t wear ponytails. Guys under 50 look bad enough. The only people who look good in ponytails are granddaughters.

15. I hate computers.

16. I wish they’d move the Atlanta Olympics to October. That’s when they had the Mexico City and Tokyo Olympics and the world didn’t come to an end.

17. When I was a kid, a film like “Basic Instinct” would have been a stag movie and the actors would have worn masks.

18. Movies described in the ads as “steamy” usually leave me cold.

19. I think Phil Simms is the most underrated quarterback in football. I put Jay Schroeder in there someplace, too.

20. I do, too, like tennis. It’s the people who play it who sometimes get on my nerves.

21. I never knew a golfer who didn’t think he was 10 shots better than he was.

22. I like Woody Allen movies, but I don’t think I’d like Woody Allen. And I’m sure he wouldn’t like me.

23. Guys who think I have it in for Notre Dame make me laugh. Hey! My name is James Patrick Murray!

24. Guys who get on an airplane carrying everything but the family Volkswagen make me see red. Hey! I don’t like to wait for my baggage either.

25. I think Julio Cesar Chavez is a great fighter, but he couldn’t sell tickets if he fought Saddam Hussein.

26. I wish golf would get a star. The tour without a star is like home movies.

27. I think Jackie Robinson was the greatest athlete I have ever seen--but baseball might have been his third-best sport.

28. I wish we’d get a heavyweight champion named Joe or Jack again.

29. I don’t find Pee-Wee Herman funny. But Bill Murray can make me laugh out loud.

30. I miss Johnny Carson.

31. I wish Toronto would get in the World Series--but I’m not sure why.

32. Every time I start to feel sorry for myself, I look at Jim Abbott.

33. If you’d told me 20 years ago that men would be wearing earrings and necklaces, I’d have thought you were talking about Borneo, not America.

34. All women look pretty in big, floppy hats.

35. I better get out of here before I make everybody mad.