Commentary : TV Critic Heading for a Fall

I’m a sick man.

It happens every year about this time.

My eyes bug out.

My head throbs.

I become confused, disoriented.

I laugh at things that aren’t funny. Hear voices. Forget where or who I am.

Sometimes my mind goes completely blank ...

And ...

And ...

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah. My illness.

I’ve got ATT (Acute Television Toxicity). Don’t look it up in the medical books--you won’t find it there.

You’d recognize it if you saw it, though.

Usually, the affliction strikes young children with lazy parents--you know, the ones who sit their little ones in front of the tube, walk away, hope for the best and then wonder why the kids are so wired.

As far as I can tell, though, it’s rare in adults.

Unless you’ve got a job like mine.

My name is Jim.

And I’m a TV critic.

Someday--soon, I suppose--they’ll have support groups, medication, something to deal with the pain.

Until then, all someone like me can do is talk about it, give a few words of advice and warning and hope it does some good.

I started watching television professionally seven years ago, and every fall I’d binge out on new programming--sitcoms, dramas, made-for-TV movies. Never once had a TV hangover, side effects, anything like that.

That was before Fox Broadcasting, cable and syndication put me over the edge.

And I’m still trying to watch it all.

Big mistake.

Sure, I know watching TV for a living sounds like a fun job and I’m not complaining--OK, I am complaining--but when you must watch television, not casually but intently, even when it’s excruciatingly bad, it does things to you.

Frightening things.

I mean, a normal person can just flick off the tube, walk away, read a book. Right?

Not me. I have to watch.

Take my word for it, too, it’s hazardous duty.

Sometimes it’s like a nightmarish scene from “Clockwork Orange.” I’m trapped on the couch, locked in a screening room, watching, watching, watching.

Even if the dramatic plot doesn’t thicken. Even if the laughs don’t come in that new sitcom. Even if I know how the half-hour, hour or major made-for-TV miniseries is going to end five seconds after it begins, I have to keep watching--particularly if the show stars somebody of note and/or has been hyped to death, I have to watch.

When I’ve seen a particularly long, bad string of shows I get angry.

Very angry--particularly during unfunny sitcoms with loud laugh tracks. They seem to mock me.

And because I can’t change the channel, I get twitchy, my thumb aches, needy for that remote control.

Still, I must watch.

Sometimes, I just lose control.

I start talking back to the screen as if the stars, maybe even the producers, can actually hear me.

I scare my kid.

All I can say is, don’t let it happen to you.

With the fall season upon us, there’s going to be a lot of temptation, but you’ve got to keep a clear head.

Take it from a guy who’s been there.

Just say no to that extra sitcom.

Get up and walk away.

Before you mistake that sitcom character for someone you know.

Before you waste away precious hours of your life.

Before you wake up to that test pattern in the middle of the night and find your fall, maybe your life, has gone ...

Click.