FAMILY LIFE : Slaying Demons : A Ventura psychologist’s book not only deals with unruly youngsters, but with their parents’ upbringing.

Psychologist Tom Prinz’s decision to write a book on parenting was a little like the movie “Field of Dreams,” about a farmer compelled by some greater power to build a baseball diamond.

Prinz, a big fan of the movie, was struggling with a full caseload and a waiting list at his Ventura office when he, too, got the word.

“God said: ‘You need to write a book,’ ” he recalled recently in an interview.

Then, miraculously, the workload tapered off, and he managed to find time to write the book in between his practice and family.

The book, “Dragon Slaying For Parents,” (Starburst Publishers, $9.95) came out last spring in paperback and can be purchased from his office or local bookstores.

Despite the religious motivation for the book and Prinz’s own strong religious convictions, the book has few spiritual references.

It is more a practical guide for parents of young children as well as teen-agers, based mostly on his 15 years as a marriage, family and child counselor.

But it goes one step beyond being just another book with a few tricks on how to deal with unruly kids.

At least half the book deals with psychological makeup of the parents, their upbringing and all the excess baggage they bring with them into parenthood.

Prinz, who lives and practices in Ventura, calls all these problems from childhood “dragons,” hence the name of the book.

These take the form of low self-esteem, co-dependency, unresolved resentments, unmet needs, divorce or death, irrational beliefs and others--all of which can get in the way of effective parenting, he claims in the book.

He encourages parents to examine their own childhoods for all their dragons.

Maybe as a child, a parent felt she received too little attention, and now she is smothering her own child, causing problems of a different type.

Each chapter on these dragons ends with specific exercises for parents.

Because his book takes a less conventional approach to parenthood, Prinz didn’t get published easily.

“I had 50 rejections before I got a publisher,” he said.

One publisher rejected his book, advising it would be too hard to sell because parents only want the tools to be better parents--they don’t want to have to dig deeper into themselves.

Prinz, 47, has dealt with his own dragons. (Everyone has them, he says, no matter how diligent their parents were.)

He grew up in the Fresno area. His mother was a longtime elementary school teacher and his father was a clerk for Pacific Gas & Electric.

His father didn’t talk much and kept his feelings inside, Prinz said. He grew up with more criticism than praise from his father, who died last October.

About 10 or 12 years ago, he reached out to his father, hoping the elder man would open up.

He gently probed his father about his own childhood and began greeting him with hugs instead of the usual handshake. It took awhile, he said, but it worked.

He learned about the dragons in his father’s past.

“We need to look at the past objectively and sympathetically,” he said, and part of that is learning to forgive.

The second half of the book gets into the nuts and bolts--tools, as Prinz calls them--of parenting.

He touches on several ways to improve parent-child relationships, many of which are gleaned from other sources. (In the back of the book, he lists 43 additional books on the subject.)

Prinz has some advice for frazzled parents of teen-agers. As the father of three teens--ages 19, 17 and 14--he speaks from experience.

In fact, his book is sprinkled with anecdotes about his children.

“If you try to boss them around, you’re definitely going to have trouble,” he said.

If parents can recognize and allow these attempts at expressing independence, kids won’t resort to extreme forms of rebellion, such as drugs and gangs, he said he believes.

It’s more difficult to be a parent today than it was a generation ago, he said.

Television is full of violence. Drugs and alcohol are more available. There is less respect for authority figures.

The divorce rate is high and more mothers work outside the home.

Kids are more stressed out, he said he believes.

They sit down to breakfast and the milk carton displays a picture of a missing child.

“They are under pressure,” he said. “They grow up quickly.”

* FYI

Psychologist Tom Prinz will conduct three parenting seminars this month from 7 to 9 p.m. at Las Colinas School, 5750 Fieldcrest St., Camarillo. The Oct. 6 session deals with creating a positive home climate; Oct. 13 is aimed at helping children deal with stress, anger and self-esteem; Oct. 20 is about discipline. Cost is $30 per person for all three, or $45 per couple for all three, and includes a copy of Prinz’s book, “Dragon Slaying for Parents.” For registration information, call 644-5490.

PARENTAL GUIDANCE

Following are some helpful suggestions for parents from Ventura County psychologist Tom Prinz’s book, “Dragon Slaying For Parents”:

* Children need unconditional love from parents. They need to feel they are worthwhile, no matter what. Look at your child when you talk, use physical contact and focused attention even if it’s only to read a bedtime story.

* Accept your child’s feelings, encourage communication, and teach him or her to express anger appropriately and deal with stress. If your child says, “I hate school,” don’t reply, “Of course, you don’t.” Acknowledge the feeling and dig deeper.

* Try to resolve conflicts, especially with teen-agers, through compromise or resolution. Be willing to negotiate. Stay calm.

* Reward appropriate behavior. “Catch” your child behaving nicely and load on the praise. Try the marbles-in-a-jar approach for young children. Toss a few marbles in a jar every time your child does something praiseworthy. When the jar is full, do something special. Use stickers, even money, as a reward for good behavior.

* Children need chores. It teaches responsibility and gives them an opportunity to earn money and make choices about how to spend it. Even 3-year-olds can be taught to set the table or empty a wastebasket. Use a chart so the child can monitor his or her progress.

* Develop a de-parenting plan as children grow into teen-agers. Let them assume more control and responsibility over their lives. Deal with them on more of an adult level.

* Enhance self-esteem in your children. Encourage them to make decisions and set goals.

* If behavior is inappropriate, follow through with the appropriate punishment. For a whiner, it might mean simply ignoring the child. Use timeout or a punishment chart (no dessert for failing to get dressed). Spanking can be appropriate for children under ages 4 or 5, especially if they endanger themselves (going into the street). Use logical consequences: If your child breaks something, have them pay half the cost of replacement.

* For school problems, institute a school-to-home communication system that involves daily monitoring of classroom behavior.