(A) Yes (B) Maybe (C) What?

I have before me a copy of a test prospective teachers must take to prove they have mastered the basic skills of readin, ritin and rithmetic.

It was sent to me by the California Commission on Teacher Credentialing after I mentioned it in a column last week.

A group of minority educators are suing to eliminate the test, claiming it is unfair to those who do not have a proper grip on English, which, of course, is the primary language of the country.

Since mentioning the test I have been challenged to take it myself to better understand what it’s all about.

Understanding what anything is all about has never been high on my list of priorities. Vague notions have always suited me just fine, which is probably why they made me a columnist.

But I couldn’t think of a good reason not to at least look at the exam, so I did.

Before I get to it, however, let me say those who teach certainly ought to be able to speak and understand English, or at least that form of English known as Common American.

If nothing else, it will allow them to shop, have their hair done and explain to an auto mechanic that their car makes a funny clunking sound.

Accents are something else. Since there is no way to accurately measure one’s oral skill, I suppose we have to get by trying to figure out exactly what a teacher means when he says, “Evrabod toorn pepsers in trusdee.”

The exam, known as the California Basic Educational Skills Test, is given in three parts. The first part is reading, I mean readin. A typical question begins with “Alice must be an artist; she teaches art history.” Then:

“The conclusion above would be correct if which of the following were true: (A) All artists teach art history, (B) all adult female artists teach art history, (C) only artists teach art history . . . “ And so on.

If you answered (C) your basic ability to perceive ranks you as equal to the top 10% in government and qualifies you not only to teach but to run for the vice presidency.

Another question begins, “I remember the grotesque creature that came to haunt my childhood meditations when one evening my father said to my mother, ‘What did Mrs. Johnson say when you told her about Betty?’ and my mother replied, ‘Oh, she was all ears.’ ”

Mother’s comment was non-responsive, but I’m here to learn, not criticize. The rest of the question:

“If, as a child, the narrator of the passage above had heard about a bank manager who was ‘unable to put his foot down in the bank,’ the narrator would most likely have concluded the (A) manager could not touch the floor of the bank with his foot, (B) manager’s supervisor would soon reprimand him . . . “

Or (C), manager was flying on mescaline and couldn’t find the floor. Answer: (A), dude.

Some of the readin questions are slightly more difficult, but if you can’t answer them you have no right to be in a sixth-grade classroom. I’m talking about students, not teachers.

The rithmetic section is a little tougher, involving as it does basic algebra and geometry, but still should not be beyond reach of those who earned degrees in liberal arts institutions.

If I managed to pass algebra and geometry in the days before calculators were packed to class, everybody can.

A sample question:

“Louise bought a jacket for $24.50 and a shirt for $19.50. If the sales tax rate was 6%, what was the total cost for both items?”

A knowledge of method is essential here. It isn’t important, for instance, that Louise probably shops sales, but that you know how to add and multiply in order to come up with the proper answer: $46.64.

The ritin section of the test requires one to have knowledge of the simple declarative sentence and to know a little about grammar and punctuation.

An assigned topic: “Describe one experience you had in college that made you a different person from the one you were when you entered.” Not the most imaginative concept for an essay response, but what the hell.

A failing example begins: “I had one experience, I remember, which changed me and made me a different person, it was when I just happened to take a class and the Psychology Professor talked with me about teaching school, said I would be a good one because of the way I think and get along with people.”

A teacher told me the same thing about how you got to write good and I remember he was smiling when he said it in order to communicate his, name was Mr. Otto and thats why I’m doing what I’m doing makes sense to me.

What also makes sense is throwing out that lawsuit. Upgrade the teachers. Our kids are stupid enough as it is.