THE HUMAN CONDITION / Why We Flirt : When Eyes Meet Across That Crowded Room

Woman spots man. Man eyes woman. Woman smiles. Man looks away. Woman looks away. Man looks back.

It’s 1992. We’ve been through liberation, sensitivity training, communication seminars, psychotherapy. But some things haven’t changed.

We still flirt. In fact, for some of us it’s a primal urge.

Experts say there are many reasons why we do it: to be friendly, make connections, get attention, find a date, find a mate.

“Some people flirt who are gregarious, who enjoy a lot of small connections with people,” says John Fergus, who holds workshops on how to meet “relationship-minded people.”

“They like flirting, smiling and enjoy the feeling of having someone admire and look at them.”

Fergus insists that knowing how to flirt is important in attracting a potential mate but adds that some flirts can get carried away.

“Some crave a lot of attention,” says Fergus. “They need to be affirmed to be OK, and it goes beyond the enjoyment of being noticed.”

An official definition of a flirt? Websters explains it as follows: New Collegiate Dictionary defines a flirt as one who “behaves amorously without serious intent or shows superficial or casual interest or liking.”

Synonyms for flirt include vamp, gold digger, hussy, lady killer, wolf and philanderer. Although the very mention of the word conjures up images of manipulative women and womanizing men, flirting remains a staple of sexual communication in our culture.

“Flirting is . . . a sexual ritual and a kind of sport,” says Barrie Thorne, a professor of sociology and director of women’s studies at USC.

“Women, men and same-gender attractions tap into that,” says Thorne. “There is a consent and refusal, a playing with an interest but not quite giving it. The momentary focusing of attention on the other person is what’s titillating.

“People also flirt because they can back away from the consequences,” Thorne adds. “Being direct means putting yourself on the line for rejection.”

Ideally, an up-front “Hey, I think you’re really attractive” might be preferable to open-for-interpretation “come hither” looks and glances. But many find flirtation is a habit.

“When I meet a guy, my first inclination is to relate to him on a flirtatious level,” says Kathy Griffin, a 31-year-old actress. “If I see a guy, chances are I’ll try to win him over.

“Flirting is where I’m best,” she adds. “Once it comes to the relationship, I’m an emotional fetus. The secret of flirting is presenting an image of having no needs.”

Her flirtation techniques?

“The usual stuff,” says the single Santa Monica resident, who describes herself as a “subtle flirt.” “I do a lot of smiling, a lot of paying attention to him, touching his arm when I’m talking. But I try to be honest. Like if he’s not funny, I won’t laugh at his jokes.”

Says T McKinley, 30, a stand-up comedian who admits he constantly flirts but has not had a date since the first anniversary of the Gulf War in January: “I take the direct approach. Not direct sexually, but direct about whatever is going on at the time. I make remarks about where we are or what’s happening. Like if we’re waiting in line somewhere, I’ll comment on that.

“In order to flirt really well, you must know how the opposite sex thinks,” says McKinley. “The difference between a flirt and a masher is one comes on too strong and doesn’t read the woman. You have to put yourself in her shoes, so you can tell if she’s interested in being talked to or not.”

The question arises: Can a lounge lizard/tart/masher/hussy be trusted?

“You should be wary of the constant flirt,” advises Elaine Rosenson, an Encino therapist who works with singles and holds classes on “Meeting Mr. Right.” “That type of person is probably not wanting an intimate relationship but instead gets his or her identity from flirting.”

And although flirting might be fun in some instances, it is often not the best form of interaction, says Ann Hickey, a health educator at USC.

“The problem with flirting is that the intent and the receiver don’t usually match up,” Hickey says. “The message isn’t clear often, and it can be misconstrued. Anita Hill said, ‘You call it flirting; I call it sexual harassment.’ ”

Instead of flirting, Hickey advises straight communication. The best way to avoid uncomfortable situations, she says, is to be honest and direct.

“Flirting is a socially acceptable way of not being direct and of objectifying people,” Hickey says. “Flirting is also a verbal power struggle between men and women.”

Many experts agree that male flirting has sexual undertones whereas women may flirt just to be friendly or to make a connection.

“Flirting is often a form of foreplay for men,” Hickey says. “For women it can be a way of making a connection, while men are trying to get action.”

Says Fergus: “Men don’t think so much along the lines of flirting, they think, ‘There’s an opportunity, what am I going to do about it?’ For women, they might think, ‘There is someone I’d like to meet. How do I show him I’m attracted?’ ”

A 40-year-old composer from Malibu admits he usually has a sexual agenda when he flirts with a woman.

“I usually won’t flirt with a woman unless I’m attracted to her and hoping it will lead to something,” he says.

Suzy Jordan, a 25-year-old Temecula accounting clerk, describes herself as a failed flirt. But her husband flirts constantly. In the past, his behavior has enraged her.

“A man’s a man no matter what he says. Things go though his head, I’m sure, even if he says it’s nothing.”

Walter Williams, a professor of anthropology at USC, points out that the phenomenon of flirting is a distinctly Western behavior. “We can’t make the assumption that the way we do it in this society is the way it’s done everywhere.”

What’s more, the blatant flirting pervasive nowadays in this country wasn’t always the case. Flirting used to be much more--well--subtle.

Len, 61, who asked that his last name not be used, says he’s always been a flirt: He’s flattered, charmed, smiled and kidded with women. He says he’s shocked at how flirting has changed.

“Women are flirting now,” says the Los Angeles teacher, who was married three times and has been living with a woman for eight years. “And flirting when I was young wasn’t as obvious. Now it’s overt, and everything is a sexual innuendo.”

Williams agrees that flirting has come of age relatively recently. Before 1900, he says, men and women rarely mixed outside the home, and a love interest was frequently expressed through a third party. Meetings were arranged and communication was often through notes.

Over time flirting has become “democratized,” and people of all classes and backgrounds flirt.

And flirting is definitely a learned art, experts say, passed down from generation to generation, propagated by television and movies.

Children are often natural flirts, losing their ability as they get older, Fergus says. As they get negative messages from their families or peers, they learn to repress it.

“Kids go through middle school and elementary school flirting, and as people gossip about ‘who likes whom,’ they often stop,” he says.

But the need to touch and tease is ageless and does not lessen as wrinkles accumulate. Knowing winks and glances are prevalent among residents of the Country Villa West Retirement Residence in Culver City, says administrator Lynn Klein.

Everyone at Country Villa may be 65 and over, but “there are romances going on you wouldn’t believe,” Klein says.

“The flirting is subtle, there’s not a lot of eye contact,” she says. “They follow each other around, mostly women following men. They offer them their dessert or go to their rooms and visit.

“These people still see themselves internally as young. All the needs are still there,” Klein says. “The men allow themselves to be chased and love it. They’re not wearing that cologne, those shorts to show off those bony knees and opening doors for nothing. They need to feel beautiful, and flirting makes them feel like they’re still desirable.”