Tackling History With Larry, King of Cream Puffs

Larry King is on a roll this political season, having made headlines with controversial appearances on his CNN talk show by Ross Perot, President George Bush and Gov. Bill Clinton in the heat of the presidential race.

But his tendency to ask these guests frivolous questions--and his unwillingness to ask them tough ones or to challenge them when they make self-serving statements--raises questions about how King would have interrogated other notable figures, past and present, at times when they were especially controversial. We can only speculate:

Adolf Hitler:

* “So, tell me, Adolf, how did you move all that furniture up the mountain to the Wolf’s Lair?”

* “Eva--pretty good stuff, huh?”

* “Do you wax your mustache?”

Joseph Stalin:

* “Now do I have this right? Your bitter enemy, Leon Trotsky, wasn’t murdered on your orders but accidentally buried that hatchet in his head while chopping wood?”

* “And Siberia was really a ski resort? With really neat lodges and stuff?”

* “All that pipe smoking. Honestly, now, do you inhale?”

* “Hey, Joe, where can I get one of those overcoats like yours?”

Jack the Ripper:

* “Something I’ve always wondered: How do you see so well in the dark?”

* “Do you wear suspenders?”

Richard Nixon:

* “You’ve raised the question of Woodward and Bernstein being KGB agents, yet say you have no evidence. But let’s be fair, Dick, is there evidence that they’re not KGB agents?”

* “The 18-minute gap. Do you think that would have happened if the White House had better recording tape?”

Ted Kennedy:

* “Now, let’s get back to Chappaquiddick and some of those unanswered questions. The party with all those girls who worked on the campaign. Did you serve hors d’oeuvres?”

* “The car that went into the drink. Did it get good mileage?”

* “Didn’t it feel icky getting wet in all your clothes?”

Yitzhak Shamir:

* “You claim there was a heinous conspiracy among stone-throwing Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza Strip to block Israeli bullets with their bodies. Then my question to you, Yitzhak, is do you think that Israel will ever win the Davis Cup?”

* “Do you get turned on by Angie Dickinson like I do?”

Yasser Arafat:

* “It’s your contention, Yasser, that the heavily armed Arabs who came ashore at Israel in a raft in the middle of the night were not terrorists but fishermen who were carrying machine guns, grenades and missile launchers to protect themselves from sea monsters? Did they have a good catch?”

* “How often do you shave?”

Mike Tyson:

* “They say you hit that young woman and hit her hard. What about her chin, big Mike? Tell me truthfully, were you surprised that she could take a punch like that?”

* “Do you wear suspenders?”

John F. Kennedy:

* “The stories about you and Marilyn Monroe. What I want to know is how she looked without her makeup.”

* “When you authorized the Bay of Pigs debacle, were you having a good hair day?”

Marie Antoinette:

* “This statement of yours, ‘Let them eat cake.’ Was that chocolate?”

Woody Allen:

* “You’re a great filmmaker. But everyone is talking about your fixation with females who are young enough to be your daughter. Now level with us, Woody. How do you stand that heavy metal music?”

Al Capone:

* “There are new charges that you’re a vile thug who has personally ordered hits on scores of innocent victims. Yet you say that you’ve acted only in self-defense. Then, the obvious question to you, Al, is this: Given all of your public appearances in court, have you ever thought of getting cosmetic surgery on that scar?”