Anniversary a Reminder of ‘the Way Things Used to Be’
Today is my parents’ 48th anniversary, and they give every indication of playing this little matrimonial game of theirs all the way to the end. I don’t know exactly what the minister said to them in that Virginia chapel in 1944, but they obviously bought every bit of it. And while part of me thinks they’re just showing off now with this 48-year stuff, I must admit that with each passing anniversary my reverence for their wedding day increases exponentially--not as a one-day celebration but for the cumulative aspect of their feat.
It’s not lost on me that none of the seven marriages involving my parents and their respective siblings ended in divorce, but that their 13 married children accounted for several. And my parents and aunts and uncles only continued in their parents’ footsteps: Although my maternal grandmother was widowed early, my paternal grandparents were married for 68 years before Grandpa died.
So, I’ll confess to a certain wistfulness about “the way things used to be” while noting my parents’ anniversary. In today’s world of change and its seeming societal imperative of keeping your options open, there’s something comforting about stability and fidelity to purpose. I wish I, my siblings and cousins had learned the art of marital longevity.
Will those days ever be back again? Will anyone in the 21st Century celebrate a golden anniversary? Can’t anybody stay happily married anymore?
As always, I bring a ray of sunshine to the discussion.
Barbara Denny, a Tustin marriage and family counselor, said all is not gloomy on the marriage front. More and more people realize that marital success takes work, she said, and they’re asking for it before the marriage is doomed.
Denny estimated that of the people coming to her for marriage counseling, one-fourth come in before the wedding day--something she seldom saw even 10 years ago. “People used to think: ‘If we need counseling now (before marriage), maybe we shouldn’t be getting married at all.’ Now they’re more realistic and know it’s better to get counseling now, to resolve small problems, than to let them mushroom. I’d rather work with couples while they’re still workable. Sometimes you get a couple that’s been together for 25 to 30 years who have been pulling each other apart, and there’s so much anger built up at that point that it’s hard to do something with them.”
In previous generations, Denny said, extended families provided buffers for unsatisfactory marriages. As society became more mobile, individual family units broke off, leaving single families alone with themselves and making spouses “more dependent on each other and more reliant on each other. But frankly,” Denny said, “from what I recall of aunts and uncles and grandparents, I don’t think marriages were all that great then. A lot of women were in unsatisfactory marriages because they didn’t have that many options.”
Indeed. One of the mini-shocks of my life was talking to my grandmother several years ago and hearing her talk of nearly divorcing my grandfather in the 1920s.
Although I’ve never asked, I doubt my parents ever went to marriage counseling. It’s also hard for me to picture them sitting around the house saying to each other: “You know, we need to work on our relationship.”
Of course, that is typical of their generation. “People thought they got married and lived happily ever after,” Denny said. “There were so many supports around that gaps were not so obvious and expectations were different then. As long as the man brought home the paycheck, a lot of women could forgive a lot. And as long as the woman kept the house clean . . .”
Obviously, not so today. “We demand more of our relationships today,” Denny said. “They meet a lot more needs. (In previous generations), Dad went to work, Mom stayed home with the children. They didn’t lead the close lives that we do today. There was much more of an extended family, so the focus was not so much on their relationship. Now we demand our spouse to be our best friend, and the one we spend most of our time with.”
One advantage of the large number of failed marriages is that people try to do better the second time around. “I see a lot of people who are going into a second marriage who want to come in for premarital counseling to work out some things they want to resolve before going into marriage,” Denny said. “They’re aware that things are not perfect. So, they have more realistic expectations and are more aware that things don’t magically get better after they get married.”
In 1944, my parents would have laughed off any notions that they get premarital counseling. Now, 48 years down the pike, they’re both hip enough to know that, hey, maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad idea.
What I’m getting at is, as special as this day is to our family, I don’t find it necessary to glamorize my parents’ marriage. Hell, not even they do that.
Instead, I’ll let them bask in the well-deserved glow of celebrating, if not a perfect marriage, then at least a perfect ideal--the virtue of two people’s longstanding commitment to each other and to a family.
Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.
