With Ross’ Word, Who Needs Proof?

It’s time to come clean. I see that clearly now. Ross has shown me the way. Just say it! Doesn’t matter that there’s no proof.

Proof, who needs proof? And whose proof we talking about here? Friends, that’s what’s wrong with our country today. All these Washington insiders talking about proof, talkin’ right over the heads of the American people, if you ask me.

And you did ask me!

Somebody did, anyway. Once, I think, a long time ago. Maybe it was my mother.

Doesn’t matter now. That is not the point. Remember, I will not answer questions that do not directly relate to this column.

Now, I don’t want you to dwell on this, because it has nothing to do with this column. So, you hear this, you put it aside. You don’t think about it again. It’s history. Hasta la vista , baby.

Barbara Walters wants my job and Connie Chung wants my children.

Naturally, because I am a person of integrity--and let me just say that your vote of confidence means the world to me and my family--I cannot reveal all the sources of this information. People could get hurt.

But let me tell you this, I’ve had reports. I have seen flares go up, more than once. Fact is, I’ve seen way too many flares to go into them all now, but I think you, the American people, can appreciate that.

I will tell you that one of them was a big old thing, sort of lit up the sky, it did. And I said to myself right then, “Huh. Will you just look at that shooter!”

Made me proud, once again, to be an American. If there’s one thing that America can still show the rest of the world, it’s a sign of distress.

Now those of you who know me can vouch for the fact that I am not somebody who’ll go off half-cocked at the sight of a single flare. No sir, no ma’m, no way. I need much more than that. I’ve been around.

Why, I remember one time I was around in east Texas, I think it was, and pretty soon I noticed that the road signs, they were all looking the same. “Frontage Road,” the signs kept reading. And, you know, I got home, I looked into that.

Sure enough, my people discovered that the federal bureaucrats, up there in Washington, D.C., where they’re all heavy into that deep Beltway voodoo stuff, had intentionally given all those roads the same name.

And I asked myself why that might be, and that’s when I discovered, once again, what’s wrong with our country. It’s a lack of creativity, folks, that same old business-as-usual mentality.

That’s why when George Bush talks about this “vision thing” of his, I just got to chuckle. I mean, he’s a fine man, from a fine family, but you either see it or you don’t, am I right?

You either hit the target or you miss. And it’s not just skeet we’re shooting here, it’s our future, our families. This is what my vision of America is all about.

No more shooting spitballs on the ceiling. Or were those elves floating through the air? Doesn’t matter. You get the point. Nobody has to talk down to the American people.

So when I saw some other flares, in a location that I am not at liberty to disclose right now, I knew something was up. I mean, I saw them. Clear as a baby’s behind.

People who I trust, friends of mine for years, had given me reports, so I was there, to see these flares for myself.

Far as I’m concerned, you don’t see something yourself, you got to be a little suspicious. You never know when somebody’s trying to pull a fast one.

Sad to say, folks, but that’s the world we live in today. Things are getting out of hand. I’ll give you just one example.

You get an honest person, just trying to do what’s best for the country, and you got all these media people--far as I know, fine people, from fine families--who just want to prove their manhood by asking a lot of questions that nobody really cares about anyway.

What ever happened to questions about somebody’s favorite color or what kind of animal they’d like to be? Take those political reporter gals. They look like sweet ladies. Truth is, I feel a little sorry for them.

It’s Silly Putty, folks. Why can’t they just act nice, like Larry King?

I really wasn’t going to get into all that. I’ve named just a few names. I can’t prove that any of this happened, or was going to happen, but I’ve got the reports.

Like I said, when I saw the latest flares, at that location that I will not disclose even though the business-as-usual types would love it if I did, I knew.

They were in a circle, and once I got a closer look, I could see that they were actually outlining a saucer-like craft that was floating down from the sky. The thing didn’t make a sound.

And I put it all together. Connie Chung. Barbara Walters. Dirty tricks.

I’ve said enough. Now just put this all out of your mind. It has nothing to do with this column. End of story.