A Little More on Baseball

I hear that CBS lost so much money on baseball, next season the network intends to make us watch reruns.

Here is a final over-the-shoulder rundown of a baseball season that is best put behind us:

--I still think the Dodgers and Angels should take players from the expansion teams.

--Jose Offerman’s motto should be: “Life Is Hard. Play Short.”

--Kevin Kennedy’s being named to manage the Texas Rangers could lead to additional Kennedy conspiracy theories in Dallas.

--So what’s the mascot of the Colorado Rockies going to be? A kid in a mountain costume?

--Barry Bonds put his Pittsburgh place up for sale. It’s great during the summer, but gets cold every October.

--The amazing thing about Lonnie Smith’s grand slam is that he didn’t stop at third.

--Tom Werner is cutting so many costs in San Diego, I hear he wants to use eight players.

--Shouldn’t Kevin Bass, Steve Trout and Tim Salmon be with the Florida Marlins?

--A sportswriter I know covering the World Series saw an advertisement that said “Drink Canada Dry,” so he tried.

--Somehow, a musical called “Damn Blue Jays” just doesn’t have the same ring.

--Does Toronto’s team get an invitation to Buckingham Palace?

--Would you go to the White House if the President of the United States openly campaigned against you? (Why not? Clinton or Perot would.)

--The Atlanta Braves are so adept at finishing second, they should be in the American Football Conference.

--As First Runner-Up in the America’s Team pageant, Atlanta will be asked to represent baseball in case anything should happen to the actual America’s Team.

--Dave Winfield deliberately hit his World Series-winning double on the ground rather than in the air. This is known as the Winfield fly rule.

--Well, it’s almost November. Shouldn’t Jack Morris be moving on by now?

--Say, here’s an idea: The Angels drop every player on their roster and sign Kirby Puckett.

--Figures. Just when the Cleveland Indians are about to be good enough to fill their big stadium, they want to knock down their big stadium.

--If the Indians and Braves get into the next World Series, the protests outside the park should be more interesting than anything that happens inside the park.

--Jane Fonda wasn’t praying. She was showing Ted how to make a wigwam with your hands.

--Otis Nixon bunting with two out is like kicking a field goal with two seconds to play, down by four points.

--Oh, hell, I think most of us knew back in April that the World Series MVP would probably be Pat Borders.

--All Dodger requests for arbitration have been returned to the players, marked: “Very funny.”

--Somebody in baseball finally did something right. They did it in Denver and his name is Don Baylor.

--Each season in Colorado should be labeled: Rockie I, Rockie II, Rockie III. . . .

--The least thrilling play all season was that Phillie second baseman’s unassisted triple play.

--The most thrilling play all season would have been even more thrilling had that umpire mistakenly called Sid Bream out at home.

--Cito Gaston won 96 games, then beat Oakland and Atlanta in the playoffs. That makes him manager of the year where I come from.

--Watching Wade Boggs hit .260 is like watching Pavarotti play Vegas.

--If Anaheim does get pro hockey, will games be played at the Big Eh?

--Now let me get this straight. If the Oakland Athletics fail to sign Ruben Sierra and Jeff Russell, you mean to say they gave up Jose Canseco for Bobby Witt?

--I hear every baseball fan in Seattle has applied for free agency.

--I hear Chicago’s WGN has picked up its funniest sitcom for 162 more hilarious episodes.

--I hear someone told George Steinbrenner: “You can’t name him manager. He’s dead.”

--I hear Colorado’s pitching mound will be 60 feet 6 inches above home plate.